3 hours of sitting later my mind was still racing.
I found myself all of a sudden with a tremendous amount of free time. As is per usual when I have free time I turn towards either rampant escapism or yoga. Since my life was already feeling fucked enough I choose the later.
Sunday I went to the Shambhala Center to sit. After 3 hours I had no more peace of mind then I did from from before. In fact, I was feeling more tumultuous then ever. I could not bare to look at my mind any longer so I got up and went dancing.
Monday was markedly better. After 3 hours I was finally starting to calm down, the 2 hours after that were of a normal level of distraction and in the final 2 hours, which were sitting listening to a teacher I was very calm and present.
For the rest of the week I sat for about 4 hours a day. My schedule went something like this:
7.30 the center opens and I would sit for an hour with a "group". There was usually only me and the time keeper though because people are afraid of the cold. Then I would move to a different room and continue until either my stomach or my bladder told me to get up. After eating I would take a break and walk around town and make any phone calls I wanted to make. Then I would sit until I needed to do something or whatever. That is the "typical" schedule, and as we all know, life is never typical. Every day something came up, something spectacular happened, something awful happened. Before going on I would like to point out the fact that awful, according to Webster, means both 1 Inspiring awe, and 3 extremely disagreeable... The connection according to a yogi (Peter Marchand?) that I have read lies in definition 2 which points to the connection between fear and reverence... fear and wonder.
I am not going to go into each day in any detail. Sometimes the magic of life can only be seen in from a distance, like the broad strokes of Monet, or the splashes of light and clouds in God's famous work, the sky. Other times the wonder can only be seen if you dive in, if you stay still, it's not just the devil in the details... The major factors of each situation are:
1 my confusion about life and my place in the world.
2 Fear, that ever present miser, the over prudent dog in The writings of Gibran.
3 NVC; It is not only the general structure of society but also the very structure of our thoughts that cause the immense suffering that the weak enjoy. Observing my mind under the microscope of Marshal Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and meditation is horrific. On Monday night, after 7 hours of sitting and an hour of Dharma talks I was feeling good, within seconds of talking on the phone with Jaz I was pissed off. A day of stabilizing my mind was destroyed when she told me she was changing her plans. Luckily I could see it happening and see more clearly. A quick note here that I am not yet trying to write in NVC, I think that I may end up doing that but I don't know the system enough to even try now. Speaking with it is hard enough.
4 Love and Compassion, When I am not overwhelmed by fear and confusion, when I am happy, I am filled with so much love. I see beauty everywhere, humor everywhere. When my hands have become incapable of opening a door or operating my jacket zipper I have to admit that it's funny. And I can't even begin to explain how watching the weary worn souls at the Carriage House, making jokes about being untouchable, is beautiful. "Did you see Jacks sign? 'You can spit on me for a quarter.'" Karuna in the Indian theory of emotions means both sadness and compassion. I think that even if I become a millionaire I would like to eat at homeless shelters regularly. Like the song "All the madmen" "I'm quite content there all as sane as me".
Friday night, after about 6 hours of sitting I was getting hungry. There was a food not bombs dinner so I proceeded in that direction. When I arrived there was no food, only a pack of mean drunks. When I walked up one of the drunks tried to haze me, the mind and social skills of the drunken homeless are easily dealt with if one posses even an iota of self confidence and grace. The drunk backed down and tried to become my friend. Simultaneously I was being flanked by a drunk from the right. Ready for pretty much anything I turned to see a very emotional man coming towards me. As soon as I looked at him he began crying. "I see angels everywhere, you were sent by god to take me!" I was confused and afraid but after a moment of evaluating the situation I realized that he was more confused and afraid then I was. I tried out my NVC skills and attempted to connect with his feelings and needs. He was feeling afraid and needed to find a safe place to be. Well I could certainly empathize with that. I asked him if he had a place to go and he said that he needed my help to get there. There is, in this scene, so much could be gleaned into the workings of the social mind of men. Scraped bare by drugs and desperation you can see that we are completely interdependent. How could I say no? I spent the next hour talking with him and trying to find a place for him to be safe or at least break down in peace. The house that he led me to had only one girl there, who was very busy and had very little interest in a drunk off the street. She gave me the phone number of her roommate who had told Jay that she would help. The roommate was going to be away for a while but told me about another house to try. Jay told me his feelings about the other house, he was feeling ashamed and love for the people there. I could not get more out of him. Nobody was home anyway... I had asked him earlier when discussing the topic of friends if he had friends in AA. He did. So when Jay began talking about needing to find some "blood and body". I decided to knock on a random door to ask if they could use the Internet to find a meeting. The kids were a little if'ed out but seemed like really nice people. There was a meeting within walking distance. When we arrived I thanked them for being there and told them that I was the son of Alcoholics and that I am very thankful for AA. The 'topic' of the meeting was a quote from the big book about stopping drinking being only the first step. I felt an odd sense of homeliness in the meeting. I could relate to their experiences both second hand from seeing it my whole life and first hand from not drinking but still being afflicted with "the disease". I am convinced that we all suffer from "the disease" and that dis ease is duhka or a dysfunctional center. Anyway when I left Jay was in a ball on the floor surrounded by concerned people. One thing that I have noted a few times in my life is that the only place I know that I can go when I am in trouble, the only place where I am sure that I will find open hearted people who will put their lives aside for the lives of others any time of the day or night, is AA. I could not have brought Jay to just any church, ashram, or meditation hall. Maybe if every time we spoke we said "Hi, I'm Daniel, and I am not perfect" We might find more love in the world?
Anyway afterwards I called my dad and cried as I talked and looked through trash cans for dinner. I continued to cry and feel completely fucked up until I found a ton of Mexican food in one of the last cans on Pearl St. If your trying not to drink HALT! Don't let yourself feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I have been feeling allot of these things lately, luckily my escapes are not as bad as drinking.
Lets talk about my problems shall we? Going back to the previous Tuesday night when I told Jaz that we couldn't continue our relationship. In my relationship with Jaz there are basically three things that I have large difficulties with. The first is open communication. When Jaz experiences anything unpleasant she stops all forms of communication. Often she will busy herself with a task so that she doesn't even look at at me. I have told her that if she starts hitting me and yelling at me that will be preferable to completely shutting down. The second issue is cleanliness. I have asked her to clean her clothing and she has promised me that she would but has not. It's disgusting. I am not intending to just complain about Jaz here, I am setting the scene for talking about myself. Some of you who have known me for a few years know that I have gone through my stages of both nil communication and uncleanliness. You might think that being able to relate so completely with both issues I would have more understanding and patience for Jaz. Basically what happens is I try to coax her into talking and cleaning for some time and then I get fed up and tell her to leave. The problems here are my noncommittal nature, and coercive thinking. Threatening to break up with her as a means to cause change. I can see myself doing these things but the harmful actions begin on unconscious and subconscious levels. By the time I become aware of them I have already done some hurtful things and my self image is committed to follow in the same way for various reasons. I can also see that the same sort of process happened at times in school which was my end of the problems that happened there.
On Wednesday, I was at the Library reading about kenisiology and reflecting on my life when I asked myself what would I want from a partner that I am not offered from Jaz when she is clean and happy? I could not think of any reasonable answers. I decided to go have lunch at the Carriage House and then hitch to Eldora and catch Jaz before getting off work to go hiking in the mountains. I thought about the idea that every organism and every mindstate has conditions in which it thrives and conditions in which it has to struggle. I realized that I have been forcing myself into conditions which my talents do not thrive and so I have not been able live with ease. Based on the persistence of many people who love me and only want the best for me I tried to live in a way which is not fitting to me. Jaz has followed me into the same. I decided to follow her as she pursued her truth, and maybe I could learn from that as well. The day that followed was magical, wonderful, horrible and scary.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Bladder/Large Intestine
Once I had been convinced that I had an extreme wood excess I did what I always do, I set myself wholly to bringing myself into greater balance. Through allot of meditation practices that were aimed at developing awareness of the conditions within myself that uphold my elemental state of being, and a few practices to guide myself into new uncharted territory I shifted my awareness in a fairly drastic way. The first thing that happened was my fire flew through the roof, my body was burning up and I became very emotional, I like the word passionate. I asked Sarah, my teacher and she affirmed my shift. Next I set towards balancing the fire and a few days later I was not sure what was going on exactly. I knew that metal and water issues were becoming predominate but I was not familiar enough with anything to know more. Awareness of the mantra that I had been initiated into had sprung full force into my mind and I found myself doing fairly extreme hatha yoga for the first time in a long while. The stars, I think, were aligned to cause some mischief. Monday night I had an appointment with a wonderful shiatsu practitioner named Beck Stephens. We talked about my emotional and physical focuses and then she focused on my Bladder and Large Intestine lines. Large Intestine is all about Letting Go. As for Bladder, Going with the flow. That night I had a break down. It was awful. I had not been spending much time with Jaz and the time we had been spending together was stressed and subsequently our relationship was doing poorly. She spent the night at a friends house and did not call me to let me know or anything but I knew. I was tremendously jealous. It was not so much that I thought that she was going to have sex with this guy and if she was that was not the big problem... The problem was that she was enjoying herself with someone else while we were hardly able to smile at each other half the time. I was furious. I couldn't sleep. I layed in 'bed' on the windiest night yet here in Boulder listening to the gusts threaten to tear my shelter apart and spread it across the park. Finally, reflecting on the fact that my thoughts were like a poison that I was drinking in hopes of improving my conditions I set my mind to a cure. Another hour later after many distractions well after 3pm I finally fell asleep. What I had come to, which is no difficult conclusion, is that it was out of love and my need for love that I was suffering. It is common rhetoric and almost trite, but when I could lead my heart from fear and anger to love of both myself and Jaz I fell asleep almost immediately upon arrival. The next day I tried to break up with Jaz, again, focusing on needing to let go. My peaceful realizations of the night before had vanished almost immediately once I saw Jaz. I ended up late for class because I wanted to talk to her, not only was I late but I left early because I could not concentrate on anything. As I tried to leave my teacher Ann, who is a wonderful lady, tried to persuade me to stay. Not without a little drama did I get to leave the class (I explained later to Ann and she expressed that she was just concerned because I was acting out of character). I skipped my next class, EK, which was although I respect the teacher, one of largest wastes of time I have participated in since high school (That's another story though) and went to talk with Jaz. I felt resolved enough to go to A&P and afterwards the next big thing hit. Erik, one of the roommates had found out that I had had sex in his room. I didn't think it was that big a deal or first of all I would not have done it and secondly if I had he would have never found out about it... but the facts were that I did and he did. He was furious, and he told me that he didn't want me coming back to the house anymore. I was furious, not at him, that was his right, but at myself and Jaz, who in addition to all of this had made a mess in the kitchen while she was making candles. After cleaning up the mess and refusing console from Kelsey we took off to the shelter. At this point I was was incredibly emotionally confused and in regards to all things I decided to take Dad's advice; "When you don't know what to do, don't do anything". I laid around for a little trying to be noncommittal when Liam called and asked if I was coming over to tutor him in A&P and Anatomiken... I went mostly just to have something else to think about and it was great. After I vented to him for a while we studied and I forgot about all of my problems.
Since I had no place to cook breakfast any longer Kelsy and Brooke, two of the other roommates from the house I was cooking at brought food to me for school. I thanked them for their kindness's and assured them that I would be fine. For the next few days it seemed like life would be returning to normal and everything would be OK. Then I received an email from Sarah that I had not turned in a portion of an assignment and although I had A's or B's in everything else in the class I might fail if I didn't turn it in. I turned it in immediately. After the insanely stupid written exam which took almost 2 hours to complete I went to talk to her about my possibility of failing. While waiting I watched a friend of mine, who had come to school claiming disabilities and who had been promised she would receive help, crying. No, she was balling, begging for "another way to show" that she knows the material. I became so angry that I was worried that I might become violent. I could hardly speak. When my Friend left Sarah assured me that she didn't think that I would fail, that I knew the material and that she did not think that I needed to retake the class. I sat and listened until she stopped speaking and told her "It is what it is. If I fail I will just leave and go to India." Later, I realised that that came from a very habitual part of myself that runs from all of my problems. Shortly there after I was informed by telephone that I had failed the class and not to come back for the final practical exam. I talked to student council about what I should do who suggested that I talk to Susan Carol. Susan informed me that not only did I fail the written portion of the class I also failed the professionalism portion of the class. I was then more confused then ever. Susan told me that I needed to clear it up with Sarah and that it was the teachers discretion to not allow me back into class. I called Sarah to ask to speak with her and later received a phone message telling me that I "obviously didn't care" about the class and that I had cheated on the final assignment. I felt both concerned and relieved. Concerned because I was confused about how communication and perception became so warped that she thought that I had "fabricated the tracking sheets" of the assignment and relieved because I thought that if I showed that it was not my handwriting and that I did not fabricate the tracking sheets then clearing up the misunderstanding would raise both my professionalism and written grades. When I spoke with Sarah on the phone however all of my hopes we dashed. In the conversation she told me that although she thought that I had cheated she did not grade my assignment in that light and that I failed anyway. One thing was cleared up, I have difficulty turning out work that I think is useless and despite my efforts, which were great, I produced lousy work. I have always been pretty transparent, that is why when I asked about my professionalism grade and was told that I am passive aggressive I was shocked. Next I tried to plead, I begged that she had no idea to what lengths I have tried to succeed in class and how much I have grown in order to have done all that I have. She replied "And that's another thing, you always underestimate me. You don't know how much I can see." That is pretty much the end of the story because I felt a complete lack of motivation at that point. I felt utterly dead inside, no hope, no rage, no sadness, nothing. The only thing left was to ask for a list of actions which she thought were unprofessional and to point out that she never once approached me about my professional attitude or appearance. The only thing she noted was that I sat still in class and meditated instead of listening to her lectures. I tried to explain that the only way that I could sit in class without getting distracted was to be still and keep my eyes closed and that I was listening to her "how else would I have done so well on the tests", and "I thought that it demonstrated that I was listening when I opened my eyes and contributed to class conversations when I had something relevant to say". I guess not.
After the call several friends tried to persuade me not to drop out. "You have to suffer though the first two quarters before you get to the good classes", and "We need people like you here to have some diversity and lighten the mood, they will work with you like they work with Oliver." I am not into suffering for a massage education, and I am not interested in fighting through school so that I can get a fancy piece of paper that says that I can do what I am already good at doing. I was slightly persuaded however until I asked about my teacher for Sweetish. When my friend said "let's just say I have never heard anything good about her." I gave up.
That is the beginning of the most tumultuous time in my life since high school.
To be Continued...
Since I had no place to cook breakfast any longer Kelsy and Brooke, two of the other roommates from the house I was cooking at brought food to me for school. I thanked them for their kindness's and assured them that I would be fine. For the next few days it seemed like life would be returning to normal and everything would be OK. Then I received an email from Sarah that I had not turned in a portion of an assignment and although I had A's or B's in everything else in the class I might fail if I didn't turn it in. I turned it in immediately. After the insanely stupid written exam which took almost 2 hours to complete I went to talk to her about my possibility of failing. While waiting I watched a friend of mine, who had come to school claiming disabilities and who had been promised she would receive help, crying. No, she was balling, begging for "another way to show" that she knows the material. I became so angry that I was worried that I might become violent. I could hardly speak. When my Friend left Sarah assured me that she didn't think that I would fail, that I knew the material and that she did not think that I needed to retake the class. I sat and listened until she stopped speaking and told her "It is what it is. If I fail I will just leave and go to India." Later, I realised that that came from a very habitual part of myself that runs from all of my problems. Shortly there after I was informed by telephone that I had failed the class and not to come back for the final practical exam. I talked to student council about what I should do who suggested that I talk to Susan Carol. Susan informed me that not only did I fail the written portion of the class I also failed the professionalism portion of the class. I was then more confused then ever. Susan told me that I needed to clear it up with Sarah and that it was the teachers discretion to not allow me back into class. I called Sarah to ask to speak with her and later received a phone message telling me that I "obviously didn't care" about the class and that I had cheated on the final assignment. I felt both concerned and relieved. Concerned because I was confused about how communication and perception became so warped that she thought that I had "fabricated the tracking sheets" of the assignment and relieved because I thought that if I showed that it was not my handwriting and that I did not fabricate the tracking sheets then clearing up the misunderstanding would raise both my professionalism and written grades. When I spoke with Sarah on the phone however all of my hopes we dashed. In the conversation she told me that although she thought that I had cheated she did not grade my assignment in that light and that I failed anyway. One thing was cleared up, I have difficulty turning out work that I think is useless and despite my efforts, which were great, I produced lousy work. I have always been pretty transparent, that is why when I asked about my professionalism grade and was told that I am passive aggressive I was shocked. Next I tried to plead, I begged that she had no idea to what lengths I have tried to succeed in class and how much I have grown in order to have done all that I have. She replied "And that's another thing, you always underestimate me. You don't know how much I can see." That is pretty much the end of the story because I felt a complete lack of motivation at that point. I felt utterly dead inside, no hope, no rage, no sadness, nothing. The only thing left was to ask for a list of actions which she thought were unprofessional and to point out that she never once approached me about my professional attitude or appearance. The only thing she noted was that I sat still in class and meditated instead of listening to her lectures. I tried to explain that the only way that I could sit in class without getting distracted was to be still and keep my eyes closed and that I was listening to her "how else would I have done so well on the tests", and "I thought that it demonstrated that I was listening when I opened my eyes and contributed to class conversations when I had something relevant to say". I guess not.
After the call several friends tried to persuade me not to drop out. "You have to suffer though the first two quarters before you get to the good classes", and "We need people like you here to have some diversity and lighten the mood, they will work with you like they work with Oliver." I am not into suffering for a massage education, and I am not interested in fighting through school so that I can get a fancy piece of paper that says that I can do what I am already good at doing. I was slightly persuaded however until I asked about my teacher for Sweetish. When my friend said "let's just say I have never heard anything good about her." I gave up.
That is the beginning of the most tumultuous time in my life since high school.
To be Continued...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
BCMT is basically massage boot camp. I have learned a tremendous amount in a short period of time and even more than that I have been busier then I have ever been in my life. Just after the first round of tests I realized that straight A's is not worth the stress that comes with it. One of my favorite girls here is a fourth quarter who should be graduating with honors if she doesn't die of a heart attack first. Maybe it was the dizzying load of new information, projects, and paper or maybe it was the freaked out atmosphere, but after the initial realization it still took a little while before I began to relax. I am trying to learn the balance between doing everything 100% and blowing it all off. I spoke with many older massage/TCM veterans and they all said "nobody is ever going to ask what grade you made in A&P". So how do I learn everything that is important to me without freaking out? The answer came in Shiatsu class when I made my first B. I can stuff my head full of volumes worth of information in a few days but somethings only come with time, and I am going to be doing this for a long time. I have started to reexamine my time here more as an introduction then as an exhaustive study.
About the time I began to relax I took a look in the mirror and decided that I needed a haircut. I decided to go back to the Mohawk. I guess I was feeling a little angsty. Anyway, I went to class the next day and one of my teachers flipped out. She said if I didn't cut the mohawk I would not be allowed back in class. Then the administration told me that if I didn't cut it I wouldn't be allowed back to school. I was a little pissed off so I wrote them a letter. I gave a copy to all of the teachers who were involved, the dean, student council and passed a few around to my classmates and teachers. It was a fun day.
"My formal response to the events of 11/19 and 11/20/08.
To whom it may concern,
I will express my apology to anyone who was or will be offended by either my hair or this letter. Through diverse experience every person comes to their own understanding of and has their own reactions to the world, and every person is valid in that. I have no need to change anyone, upset anyone, or in any way harm anyone. I understand that you have strong beliefs and convictions and that they are most likely different then mine. I value every persons individuality and have a profound respect for the causal factors that shape the human mind. I hope only that we find peace and joy both together and within ourselves.
The first official response I received in regards to my new hairstyle on Wednesday was a very emotional Michelle saying "What exactly are you trying to say?". I could have made any number of responses that would have felt honest and smart, but with respect to Michelle and her institutional position I decided to keep it polite. She clarified that although there are no rules about mohawks there were rules about "professional appearance," and that if I didn't cut it I would not be allowed back in class. I tried to make a compromise which was not looking very hopeful. Later in a meeting with Carrol I found out that "many" teachers had come to her with their complaints and that I would have to cut my hair before coming back to school.
Before I make a statement of belief and conviction about my choice of hair styles I am going to critique the institution and it's members who are in charge of the the decision to make me cut my hair. This is not intended to cause change, it comes from my need to express myself in writing as I am forbidden to express myself in dress and conduct. The first argument I have is that of the completely subjective nature of the rule in question. In my mind if dreadlocks and tattoos are considered professional then a mohawk should be just fine. If it is based on a matter of cleanliness then a mohawk is almost definitely cleaner. If it's based on ideological statements then mohawks and dreads should be equally offensive or acceptable. I don't believe that there is any clear line or reason that could be given that would make this decision objectively rational. The second issue is the manner in which the situation has been handled. I want to express respect for Michelle for relating to me in person. The emotional nature of her wording, tone and demeanor was slightly offensive but such is life. I understand that the teachers who complained about me without ever talking with we are acting as impersonal cogs in the machine, I have no respect for that mind-state but also have no anger towards it either. As for the administration, Carrol was very respectful in her demeanor but I think an ultimatum of expulsion as a first response to such a benign offense is ridiculous. The whole thing seems to be blown way out of proportion. If someone had a nice calm talk to me about professional appearance and the schools collective views on mohawks and maybe "reminded" me that I am graded on professionalism I would have shaven my head without more then a little venting to my friends. The treatment I have received has offended me on a few levels most of all I do not think that I have been treated as a mature adult.
In response to Michelle and anyone who silently wondered what exactly I was trying to say. In Hinduism there is a story about the great teacher (true self), the truth and the establishment. As an instrument of creation the establishment had prospered and done many great things and was having a great party in honor of itself. Every aspect of reality was invited except for the great teacher and the truth. The cosmic trickster went to the truth and told her about it. When the truth showed up at the party she was ridiculed for marrying the great teacher and told to leave. She threw herself into the fire because she was the worldly daughter of the establishment and refused to stay in the world in that form. When the great teacher felt what happened he became very angry and created a great hero to destroy the party.
I have a strong and religious dislike and distrust of institutions. I understand their role in the world and have a tempered respect for all created things. Institutions naturally arise from the principle of order and they are a powerful and beautiful creative forces. At the same time they cause people to take themselves to seriously and can blind us to the beauty of the simple truth that lives free from the concerns of the world. I came to BCMT for a quality education and I am receiving all that I could have asked for. I did not come to adopt a forced and stressful way of life. When I became wrapped in the illusion of importance I needed a reminder of my values. I thought a mohawk would be a just right.
Daniel Clough"
I know you are all dying to take a look at my shelter... So here it is!
To get to the shelter you have to go off trail over a fallen down tree. It's totally Robin Hood.
...and there's Robin Hood!
He hasn't shit for days...
Is that toilet paper you have there? Yes?
I Love You.
About the time I began to relax I took a look in the mirror and decided that I needed a haircut. I decided to go back to the Mohawk. I guess I was feeling a little angsty. Anyway, I went to class the next day and one of my teachers flipped out. She said if I didn't cut the mohawk I would not be allowed back in class. Then the administration told me that if I didn't cut it I wouldn't be allowed back to school. I was a little pissed off so I wrote them a letter. I gave a copy to all of the teachers who were involved, the dean, student council and passed a few around to my classmates and teachers. It was a fun day.
"My formal response to the events of 11/19 and 11/20/08.
To whom it may concern,
I will express my apology to anyone who was or will be offended by either my hair or this letter. Through diverse experience every person comes to their own understanding of and has their own reactions to the world, and every person is valid in that. I have no need to change anyone, upset anyone, or in any way harm anyone. I understand that you have strong beliefs and convictions and that they are most likely different then mine. I value every persons individuality and have a profound respect for the causal factors that shape the human mind. I hope only that we find peace and joy both together and within ourselves.
The first official response I received in regards to my new hairstyle on Wednesday was a very emotional Michelle saying "What exactly are you trying to say?". I could have made any number of responses that would have felt honest and smart, but with respect to Michelle and her institutional position I decided to keep it polite. She clarified that although there are no rules about mohawks there were rules about "professional appearance," and that if I didn't cut it I would not be allowed back in class. I tried to make a compromise which was not looking very hopeful. Later in a meeting with Carrol I found out that "many" teachers had come to her with their complaints and that I would have to cut my hair before coming back to school.
Before I make a statement of belief and conviction about my choice of hair styles I am going to critique the institution and it's members who are in charge of the the decision to make me cut my hair. This is not intended to cause change, it comes from my need to express myself in writing as I am forbidden to express myself in dress and conduct. The first argument I have is that of the completely subjective nature of the rule in question. In my mind if dreadlocks and tattoos are considered professional then a mohawk should be just fine. If it is based on a matter of cleanliness then a mohawk is almost definitely cleaner. If it's based on ideological statements then mohawks and dreads should be equally offensive or acceptable. I don't believe that there is any clear line or reason that could be given that would make this decision objectively rational. The second issue is the manner in which the situation has been handled. I want to express respect for Michelle for relating to me in person. The emotional nature of her wording, tone and demeanor was slightly offensive but such is life. I understand that the teachers who complained about me without ever talking with we are acting as impersonal cogs in the machine, I have no respect for that mind-state but also have no anger towards it either. As for the administration, Carrol was very respectful in her demeanor but I think an ultimatum of expulsion as a first response to such a benign offense is ridiculous. The whole thing seems to be blown way out of proportion. If someone had a nice calm talk to me about professional appearance and the schools collective views on mohawks and maybe "reminded" me that I am graded on professionalism I would have shaven my head without more then a little venting to my friends. The treatment I have received has offended me on a few levels most of all I do not think that I have been treated as a mature adult.
In response to Michelle and anyone who silently wondered what exactly I was trying to say. In Hinduism there is a story about the great teacher (true self), the truth and the establishment. As an instrument of creation the establishment had prospered and done many great things and was having a great party in honor of itself. Every aspect of reality was invited except for the great teacher and the truth. The cosmic trickster went to the truth and told her about it. When the truth showed up at the party she was ridiculed for marrying the great teacher and told to leave. She threw herself into the fire because she was the worldly daughter of the establishment and refused to stay in the world in that form. When the great teacher felt what happened he became very angry and created a great hero to destroy the party.
I have a strong and religious dislike and distrust of institutions. I understand their role in the world and have a tempered respect for all created things. Institutions naturally arise from the principle of order and they are a powerful and beautiful creative forces. At the same time they cause people to take themselves to seriously and can blind us to the beauty of the simple truth that lives free from the concerns of the world. I came to BCMT for a quality education and I am receiving all that I could have asked for. I did not come to adopt a forced and stressful way of life. When I became wrapped in the illusion of importance I needed a reminder of my values. I thought a mohawk would be a just right.
Daniel Clough"
I know you are all dying to take a look at my shelter... So here it is!
To get to the shelter you have to go off trail over a fallen down tree. It's totally Robin Hood.
...and there's Robin Hood!
He hasn't shit for days...
Is that toilet paper you have there? Yes?
I Love You.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Time is relative
One of my least favorite quotes of all time is "Time is money.".
Time is life.
It has been a mere 12 days since my last post but it seems like it has been forever ago. Every day flies by so fast. One of my teachers said we were already on week 4 of the program! We are in testing times... as in we just had our A&P test last week and this week we have both Shiatsu and Anatomiken. I got 100% on my A&P test and plan to get the same on all of my tests. I am learning what I need to do to be happy and productive in school. Still loving all but one of my classes. My respect for my teachers here has done nothing but grown, and I have even found a niche in the student social order.
My role in social life is one of giving. It feels really good. My best friend here right now is a beautiful 6' tall free spirit. I go to her place every morning and cook for her (Kelsey) and her roommates. The 5 of us eat together and joke and listen to music and then we go to school. If I made extra I bring it and give it out at school. Our food is 90% dumpstered and they offer me the 10% since I cook and clean for B-fast and lunch. It works out well for everyone. Last week there was a young Dutch woman staying there and she gave me the greatest complement. "You could be European". Speaking of being, I still don't feel at home. Last night I went to a comedy show and since we got home late and Kelsey was away I decided to crash in her bed for the night. I didn't think of the eventuality of being woken up buy 4 half dressed fully drunken people. I thought it was pretty great at the time but it stirred some conflict in myself. I decided to go down and watch the party for a bit. When 2 friends ran off to have sex it was like watering my little seeds of discontent. I hung out with Jessy (a big attractive really drunk guy) and Sarah (a cute girl) while Jessy told me everything from the fact that he hated me asked me why I hated him, to the fact that I am a freak, to the fact that he respected me for how I handled my space and that he couldn't control me. The first statement I think has little significance and was accompanied by a fib about a gift I gave to him being a poor gift. The second statement highlights the fact that I don't really fit in. The third is part and parcel with the second. Anyway, after he passed out I asked Sarah if she wanted to cuddle with me, which she didn't, and I went off to bed. Leading to the discontent I was talking about. I feel alone on many levels. The persona I chose here is going to be great for getting work done but not one which will likely lead to sexual affairs. I choose this very intentionally so that I don't get distracted from school but it's difficult none the less. Other levels of intimacy are being quelled by calling family and friends more often.
Speaking of family. I just had a great conversation with Merrin. In the last part we talked about change. I have realized that although I have changed the superficial aspects of myself many times in many ways there are parts of myself that have hardly changed or not changed at all in my life. This is an important thought for me because change has always been a major focus of my life. We also spoke of priorities and the difference between "setting" priorities and observing priorities. I have previously mentioned that I am not really believing in a free will a such so much. In the A&P world apparently there is a big debate about what "controls" cells. It has been traditionally held that the nucleus controls the cell but now people are saying that the cell membrane controls the cell... Where is the self of the cell? Can I say that "I" am the self of the cell? Excepting mitochondria it is my DNA after all is it not? (did you know that the "power plant" of your cells is not even made of your DNA?) What's my point? I don't know.
Time is life.
It has been a mere 12 days since my last post but it seems like it has been forever ago. Every day flies by so fast. One of my teachers said we were already on week 4 of the program! We are in testing times... as in we just had our A&P test last week and this week we have both Shiatsu and Anatomiken. I got 100% on my A&P test and plan to get the same on all of my tests. I am learning what I need to do to be happy and productive in school. Still loving all but one of my classes. My respect for my teachers here has done nothing but grown, and I have even found a niche in the student social order.
My role in social life is one of giving. It feels really good. My best friend here right now is a beautiful 6' tall free spirit. I go to her place every morning and cook for her (Kelsey) and her roommates. The 5 of us eat together and joke and listen to music and then we go to school. If I made extra I bring it and give it out at school. Our food is 90% dumpstered and they offer me the 10% since I cook and clean for B-fast and lunch. It works out well for everyone. Last week there was a young Dutch woman staying there and she gave me the greatest complement. "You could be European". Speaking of being, I still don't feel at home. Last night I went to a comedy show and since we got home late and Kelsey was away I decided to crash in her bed for the night. I didn't think of the eventuality of being woken up buy 4 half dressed fully drunken people. I thought it was pretty great at the time but it stirred some conflict in myself. I decided to go down and watch the party for a bit. When 2 friends ran off to have sex it was like watering my little seeds of discontent. I hung out with Jessy (a big attractive really drunk guy) and Sarah (a cute girl) while Jessy told me everything from the fact that he hated me asked me why I hated him, to the fact that I am a freak, to the fact that he respected me for how I handled my space and that he couldn't control me. The first statement I think has little significance and was accompanied by a fib about a gift I gave to him being a poor gift. The second statement highlights the fact that I don't really fit in. The third is part and parcel with the second. Anyway, after he passed out I asked Sarah if she wanted to cuddle with me, which she didn't, and I went off to bed. Leading to the discontent I was talking about. I feel alone on many levels. The persona I chose here is going to be great for getting work done but not one which will likely lead to sexual affairs. I choose this very intentionally so that I don't get distracted from school but it's difficult none the less. Other levels of intimacy are being quelled by calling family and friends more often.
Speaking of family. I just had a great conversation with Merrin. In the last part we talked about change. I have realized that although I have changed the superficial aspects of myself many times in many ways there are parts of myself that have hardly changed or not changed at all in my life. This is an important thought for me because change has always been a major focus of my life. We also spoke of priorities and the difference between "setting" priorities and observing priorities. I have previously mentioned that I am not really believing in a free will a such so much. In the A&P world apparently there is a big debate about what "controls" cells. It has been traditionally held that the nucleus controls the cell but now people are saying that the cell membrane controls the cell... Where is the self of the cell? Can I say that "I" am the self of the cell? Excepting mitochondria it is my DNA after all is it not? (did you know that the "power plant" of your cells is not even made of your DNA?) What's my point? I don't know.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Peace and blessings manifest
Peace and blessings manifest with every lesson learned,
If your knowledge were your wealth then it will be well earned.
-Erykah Badu
What a day. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "what were the 8 functions of an organism?" Went through them in my head, and thought about some more A&P as I drifted back to sleep...
Woke again around 5.30 to cook and stretch and what not before leaving on my bike at 7.00 to make it to the social services dept. by 8.00. I took off like a bat out of hell with a feeling of being on top of the world. That was until I realized that I could not shift gears. Then in a panic I realized that my breaks were also frozen solid... That's where I put my foot down! I won't go into all the details but my breaks were terribly problematic the whole morning. I was starting to feel as if the whole world was against me when Erykah popped into my head my entire attitude shifted and immediately afterwards I met a nice epileptic man on the side of the road and had a nice chat about his son in WA and daughter in After many delays I made it to be the first in line for food stamps. I was very pleased to find that they had bad coffee waiting for me.
The woman that helped me was not a very happy woman, and she explained to me why I could not get food stamps but I insisted on going through with the process. Since then I have found out how I can get food stamps and I am happy I choose to do the whole process. "The process" as I am affectionately calling it ended up taking about 45 minutes which meant that if I didn't get a car ride to school I would be over 30 minutes late and be counted absent. Luckily Eileen gave me a ride making us both only 15 minutes late costing only 2% of my grade... With my bad timing I am wondering if that will be the sole reason I don't get A's? I apologized to my shiatsu teacher for being late and told her I would learn to be on time. Class was great. We started off playing with Chi, I haven't done much of that in years but my sensitivity came back immediately. Very fun. The rest of the school day was kinda whatever.
My after school chore was scouting a good place to squat. I think I found an awesome spot! More on that to come.
Lastly, I asked a guy for directions and ended up riding with him for a mile or so which led to a long conversation about practice and philosophy. I won't go into details but it was cool how it all happened.
If your knowledge were your wealth then it will be well earned.
-Erykah Badu
What a day. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "what were the 8 functions of an organism?" Went through them in my head, and thought about some more A&P as I drifted back to sleep...
Woke again around 5.30 to cook and stretch and what not before leaving on my bike at 7.00 to make it to the social services dept. by 8.00. I took off like a bat out of hell with a feeling of being on top of the world. That was until I realized that I could not shift gears. Then in a panic I realized that my breaks were also frozen solid... That's where I put my foot down! I won't go into all the details but my breaks were terribly problematic the whole morning. I was starting to feel as if the whole world was against me when Erykah popped into my head my entire attitude shifted and immediately afterwards I met a nice epileptic man on the side of the road and had a nice chat about his son in WA and daughter in After many delays I made it to be the first in line for food stamps. I was very pleased to find that they had bad coffee waiting for me.
The woman that helped me was not a very happy woman, and she explained to me why I could not get food stamps but I insisted on going through with the process. Since then I have found out how I can get food stamps and I am happy I choose to do the whole process. "The process" as I am affectionately calling it ended up taking about 45 minutes which meant that if I didn't get a car ride to school I would be over 30 minutes late and be counted absent. Luckily Eileen gave me a ride making us both only 15 minutes late costing only 2% of my grade... With my bad timing I am wondering if that will be the sole reason I don't get A's? I apologized to my shiatsu teacher for being late and told her I would learn to be on time. Class was great. We started off playing with Chi, I haven't done much of that in years but my sensitivity came back immediately. Very fun. The rest of the school day was kinda whatever.
My after school chore was scouting a good place to squat. I think I found an awesome spot! More on that to come.
Lastly, I asked a guy for directions and ended up riding with him for a mile or so which led to a long conversation about practice and philosophy. I won't go into details but it was cool how it all happened.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Fortunate Friday.
Everyday in shiatsu we have a "student of the day". Since people were reluctant to volunteer I put myself out there. Yesterday was my big day. In the morning I still didn't know what I was going to do, something to do with yoga... My first thought was to stand on my head for 5 minutes but in the days since I volunteered I have heard allot of ignorant talk about yoga that standing on my head might encourage. My next idea was to give a talk on what yoga is, but that seemed to boring. I asked Eileen and she suggested that I teach the sun salutations. Thinking that everyone must know the sun salutations I decided to do a round and talk about yoga in pose. I started out saying that yoga is not about the body and then into hatha or "forceful" yoga. I was nervous and thought I did a really poor job when Sarah F the teacher asked me if I would lead the class in a round. I did and still felt like I did a terrible job. Afterwards 3 people gave me high fives and several people thanked me. Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.
I am starting to feel comfortable working on the table and excited to learn a little Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)
Fridays are great, I only have one class!
After class I met one of the Kenyan Olympic team massage therapists. He was a very nice. I asked him if I could do an internship with the Kenyan team and he gave me his contact info both here and in Kenya. It sounds like I can do some volunteer work with them and figure it out from there. What a cool idea!
Our conversation was cut short because I had a massage. As a student I get $15 student massages! It's not quite as good as a professional massage but it's definitely good. There were also a few unexpected benefits. He talked to me about different muscles and helped me understand where they were, and his teacher came in and I got to listen to her sort of 1 on 1 lesson with him. Besides that she also worked on me a little, and helped me understand what's up with my back.
Due to yoga I have allot of mobility, which is good and much to the dismay of Jacob I can also take a tremendous amount of pressure. She said I need orthopedic massage to help my alignment. I felt awesome afterward!
My bike ride home was great! My posture was so different that I fell like I need to readjust my bike to fit the new posture!
Speaking of bikes... I am doing the Community Cycles "earn a bike program". I put in 10 hours and they will give me a frame and parts to work on! I should get my new frame today! I am bringing in some treats today as well so that I get extra help working on my bike! Thanks for the tip Dad, and you thought I never learned anything from you!
Next I went to Shambala to sit. I only had about 30 min but it I felt some nice emotional releases.
I am starting to feel comfortable working on the table and excited to learn a little Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)
Fridays are great, I only have one class!
After class I met one of the Kenyan Olympic team massage therapists. He was a very nice. I asked him if I could do an internship with the Kenyan team and he gave me his contact info both here and in Kenya. It sounds like I can do some volunteer work with them and figure it out from there. What a cool idea!
Our conversation was cut short because I had a massage. As a student I get $15 student massages! It's not quite as good as a professional massage but it's definitely good. There were also a few unexpected benefits. He talked to me about different muscles and helped me understand where they were, and his teacher came in and I got to listen to her sort of 1 on 1 lesson with him. Besides that she also worked on me a little, and helped me understand what's up with my back.
Due to yoga I have allot of mobility, which is good and much to the dismay of Jacob I can also take a tremendous amount of pressure. She said I need orthopedic massage to help my alignment. I felt awesome afterward!
My bike ride home was great! My posture was so different that I fell like I need to readjust my bike to fit the new posture!
Speaking of bikes... I am doing the Community Cycles "earn a bike program". I put in 10 hours and they will give me a frame and parts to work on! I should get my new frame today! I am bringing in some treats today as well so that I get extra help working on my bike! Thanks for the tip Dad, and you thought I never learned anything from you!
Next I went to Shambala to sit. I only had about 30 min but it I felt some nice emotional releases.
Bad Dream
I was just over sleeping a little and having a very strange dream with Mom and Merrin in it when Merrin called and said "I don't have any time to talk but I wanted to call and say I love you."
The dream was first that I was camping with two other people, the kind of dream morphous people that are sortof Bob but sortof Dad... I accidently left something at the camp site with a reporter from a forign land who didn't speak much english. We left without my knowing we were going too. I felt guilty both for leaving the thing and for leaving the guy without saying good bye, but I didn't stop us from leaving. Later we were stoped and they were looking for the thing, I went out side and they pulled off. I walked around the corner to the bookstore coffee shop they moved to when I saw a man harrasing people with swords in the parking lot on the other side of a fence. I got his attention and he tried to threaten me. I wasn't afraid so he asked me if I was afraid of him. I told him I knew who he was and he tried to threaten me one more time before breaking into dance. I danced with him and everyone started to dance. I danced into the bookstore, into the cafe where I stopped. The casheir asked if I wanted something and I said someing to excuse myself from buying anything. Dad/Bob and merrin were there.
Next thing I know I am on a road with a little girl/Merrin and another Crazy guy. The crazy walks into the road and stops that lane stops at first and then they go around him. He is mad at the road. He starts yelling at a walker about it and they tell him that it was his Idea to "do the 2 lane road" and he said "Oh, yeah" and calmed down. I didn't know what they were talking about, we were on a three lane road so it must have been something else influensing that road. We climbed up a hill and found Mom. Details get fuzzy but we are at an airport disscusing how Merrin and I can get there easily in the futrure. Mom starts dangeling herself on the pipe that hangs over a ~30 foot drop. If I was doing it, which I would as a child but not any more I would feel safe but I thought about how odd it was for Mom and felt unsafe. Then a little girl touched her shirt and she started to wobble and got sacred. I freaked out. I grabed a hold of her legs with a hug. I wondered if I should be doing that for 2 reasons. 1 I would be more safe without help and 2 it makes getting off more complicated. That's when Merrin called.
The dream was first that I was camping with two other people, the kind of dream morphous people that are sortof Bob but sortof Dad... I accidently left something at the camp site with a reporter from a forign land who didn't speak much english. We left without my knowing we were going too. I felt guilty both for leaving the thing and for leaving the guy without saying good bye, but I didn't stop us from leaving. Later we were stoped and they were looking for the thing, I went out side and they pulled off. I walked around the corner to the bookstore coffee shop they moved to when I saw a man harrasing people with swords in the parking lot on the other side of a fence. I got his attention and he tried to threaten me. I wasn't afraid so he asked me if I was afraid of him. I told him I knew who he was and he tried to threaten me one more time before breaking into dance. I danced with him and everyone started to dance. I danced into the bookstore, into the cafe where I stopped. The casheir asked if I wanted something and I said someing to excuse myself from buying anything. Dad/Bob and merrin were there.
Next thing I know I am on a road with a little girl/Merrin and another Crazy guy. The crazy walks into the road and stops that lane stops at first and then they go around him. He is mad at the road. He starts yelling at a walker about it and they tell him that it was his Idea to "do the 2 lane road" and he said "Oh, yeah" and calmed down. I didn't know what they were talking about, we were on a three lane road so it must have been something else influensing that road. We climbed up a hill and found Mom. Details get fuzzy but we are at an airport disscusing how Merrin and I can get there easily in the futrure. Mom starts dangeling herself on the pipe that hangs over a ~30 foot drop. If I was doing it, which I would as a child but not any more I would feel safe but I thought about how odd it was for Mom and felt unsafe. Then a little girl touched her shirt and she started to wobble and got sacred. I freaked out. I grabed a hold of her legs with a hug. I wondered if I should be doing that for 2 reasons. 1 I would be more safe without help and 2 it makes getting off more complicated. That's when Merrin called.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Today's classes were good. Zen Shiatsu in the morning and Anatomiken in the afternoon. I am afraid of Anatomiken. We will be learning anatomy by building it out of clay. I'm not much of the artsy craftsy type... The teacher also scares me a little. She is not particularly friendly but she seems to know the material well and explaines things clearly. Today they had an an "intersting side note" about the zygomatic arch... Aparently the it is etimologicly related the the sanskrit root yuga from which we get yoga... I tried to tell her that yuga is not the sanskrit root for but a mesurement of time. She was not pleased with my input and obviously had no intention of changing her material. I think I will be sticking with anatomy in that class from now on. We started the class by handing out bones and figuring out what they were! The class will be chalanging no doubt, many people fail, but it will be really fun as well!
I am riding a bike to school, about 9 miles. Well, probably longer since I got lost this morning and was almost late for class. My cardio system is not in the best shape but I love the ride.
I am riding a bike to school, about 9 miles. Well, probably longer since I got lost this morning and was almost late for class. My cardio system is not in the best shape but I love the ride.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Life is precious. Handle with care.
I had an older German friend at the Himalayan Institute who was among other things a photographer. Just before I left she gave her friends there a CD of her pictures and on it it said "Life is precious. Handle with care."
I realized that everything in this world is impermanent when I was pretty young. It helped shield me from some of the harsh realities of life that I also saw at a fairly young age. I thought to myself that only I could shelter myself. I think that both of these things are fundamental truths in some sense but I didn't understand all of their implications at the time. I didn't understand how interconnected everything is.
Jaz never really settled into life here in Boulder. She was growing more and more unhappy almost daily. She was always happier in the woods then in the city. I told her 2 days ago that I thought that she should go to visit her parents so that when Halloween rolls around and she is flown in and out of NYC for a documentary she will be able to go anywhere already having fulfilled family obligations. Then I walked to the Shambala Center to listen to a Lama give a talk on love. It was very difficult to tell her to leave. By the time I got home she had bought a plane ticket. I was sad, she was sad. She was ignoring me. I couldn't concentrate on my studies, wasn't yet sleepy, to cold to stand out side and talk for long (I called Merrin) and had nothing else to do... So I sat in the room and watched her, and my mind. At what seemed to be the most appropriate time I finally spoke. I didn't want her to leave upset with me, and I needed to say a few things myself. After a few minutes we had agreed that her leaving was the best thing and she might come back if we are both able to resolve a few issues.
I am at school now. I am loving the classes today. We had movement and kinesiology and anatomy and physiology comes next. The kids are starting to loosen up a bit. I am forming a few friendships.
After class before bed: I feel a kind of stress I have never felt before... I am feeling behind with everything, just slightly behind. I am not worried about it. After a week or two I am sure I will settle into a new rhythm. One blessing is Theo. She has a science brain, we will be studying together allot I hope.
No time to write. Sleepy time.
If I can remember how precious this passing stressful moment is then I will be very pleased with myself.
I realized that everything in this world is impermanent when I was pretty young. It helped shield me from some of the harsh realities of life that I also saw at a fairly young age. I thought to myself that only I could shelter myself. I think that both of these things are fundamental truths in some sense but I didn't understand all of their implications at the time. I didn't understand how interconnected everything is.
Jaz never really settled into life here in Boulder. She was growing more and more unhappy almost daily. She was always happier in the woods then in the city. I told her 2 days ago that I thought that she should go to visit her parents so that when Halloween rolls around and she is flown in and out of NYC for a documentary she will be able to go anywhere already having fulfilled family obligations. Then I walked to the Shambala Center to listen to a Lama give a talk on love. It was very difficult to tell her to leave. By the time I got home she had bought a plane ticket. I was sad, she was sad. She was ignoring me. I couldn't concentrate on my studies, wasn't yet sleepy, to cold to stand out side and talk for long (I called Merrin) and had nothing else to do... So I sat in the room and watched her, and my mind. At what seemed to be the most appropriate time I finally spoke. I didn't want her to leave upset with me, and I needed to say a few things myself. After a few minutes we had agreed that her leaving was the best thing and she might come back if we are both able to resolve a few issues.
I am at school now. I am loving the classes today. We had movement and kinesiology and anatomy and physiology comes next. The kids are starting to loosen up a bit. I am forming a few friendships.
After class before bed: I feel a kind of stress I have never felt before... I am feeling behind with everything, just slightly behind. I am not worried about it. After a week or two I am sure I will settle into a new rhythm. One blessing is Theo. She has a science brain, we will be studying together allot I hope.
No time to write. Sleepy time.
If I can remember how precious this passing stressful moment is then I will be very pleased with myself.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I'm a mess
When it comes to things and keeping track of things, I suck. When I was young I was always loosing my shoes or what ever.
On a side note. There are 30 or so of these cute rodent looking critters in the field across from where I am sitting. One just sat up on it's hind legs and cried out.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I suck. Some time ago, for the second time this year I lost my credit card. I may have lost it up to a month ago since that was the last time I actually used it. The out come of all this is that I didn't have the money I so desperately begged for at the time I needed it. I Called Wachovia and they air mailed another card to me, a waste of $16. Today I had to ride to BCMT to pay my bill. I got on the bus and found out that it was a special bus. Not the kind I rode in elementary school, the $3.00 kind. I only had 1.25 which I was told was the cost of the bus. The driver was very nice and she took me for free, but while talking with her my phone fell out of my pocket. I'm wearing these darned (did I tell you Jaz made me stop using profanity?) Thai pants. They only hold things in the pockets in Thailand. Magic I guess. I think a Button is in order.
So I was waiting across from the vermin field to see if the driver would come back around on the same route. She didn't. The man who came instead gave me a bus slip with transfers because it had the Boulder Bus number on it. I was able to use this pass to run all of my chores for the day. In total I used 5 buses for zero dollars and zero cents. This doesn't in itself make up for, in either the emotional or monetary senses, for what I deal with because of my ineptness with things, but it makes me think. I was thinking about it as I walked towards the salvation army to buy the sheets I need for school. As I sat in front of a Panera Bread eating from their garbage I looked toward the mountains and contemplated my existence. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I thought about types of things and specific things. Take food for example. Food breaks down simply into a few types. Starch foods, protein foods, green foods, fruit foods, dairy foods, and junk foods. All of these fit also into the categories of my food, not my food, and waste food. The waste food is like no mans land. By throwing it away one is saying it's not theirs, but the stigma of digging it out of the garbage clearly says that it is not mine. Speaking of social mores, I don't care much about them. Years of not fitting in has desensitized me. Jaz is very uncomfortable pulling garbage in front of people. It doesn't bother me one bit. I guess it comes from perspective. I could also classify people broadly as people that matter and people that don't. The people that "don't matter" do matter in that they matter to themselves and I wouldn't want to hurt them, and of course they effect me indirectly but most people don't matter. If they see me eating out of a garbage can it wont change anything. Sometimes they will turn into someone who will matter but odds are they won't be able to see past my clothing. I wear my hippy cloths when I don't want anyone to see me. Most of the people who matter won't care anyway. Back to the stuff stuff. It floats in and out of my life without care. I get stuff for free or super cheap and then it disappears or I give it away. Most things in the world are pretty interchangeable. If I eat one kind of green food or another it's pretty much the same, one shirt or another, etc. In our world you need to have particular things. I don't do well with particulars. I will need to get better at that.
On a side note. There are 30 or so of these cute rodent looking critters in the field across from where I am sitting. One just sat up on it's hind legs and cried out.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I suck. Some time ago, for the second time this year I lost my credit card. I may have lost it up to a month ago since that was the last time I actually used it. The out come of all this is that I didn't have the money I so desperately begged for at the time I needed it. I Called Wachovia and they air mailed another card to me, a waste of $16. Today I had to ride to BCMT to pay my bill. I got on the bus and found out that it was a special bus. Not the kind I rode in elementary school, the $3.00 kind. I only had 1.25 which I was told was the cost of the bus. The driver was very nice and she took me for free, but while talking with her my phone fell out of my pocket. I'm wearing these darned (did I tell you Jaz made me stop using profanity?) Thai pants. They only hold things in the pockets in Thailand. Magic I guess. I think a Button is in order.
So I was waiting across from the vermin field to see if the driver would come back around on the same route. She didn't. The man who came instead gave me a bus slip with transfers because it had the Boulder Bus number on it. I was able to use this pass to run all of my chores for the day. In total I used 5 buses for zero dollars and zero cents. This doesn't in itself make up for, in either the emotional or monetary senses, for what I deal with because of my ineptness with things, but it makes me think. I was thinking about it as I walked towards the salvation army to buy the sheets I need for school. As I sat in front of a Panera Bread eating from their garbage I looked toward the mountains and contemplated my existence. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I thought about types of things and specific things. Take food for example. Food breaks down simply into a few types. Starch foods, protein foods, green foods, fruit foods, dairy foods, and junk foods. All of these fit also into the categories of my food, not my food, and waste food. The waste food is like no mans land. By throwing it away one is saying it's not theirs, but the stigma of digging it out of the garbage clearly says that it is not mine. Speaking of social mores, I don't care much about them. Years of not fitting in has desensitized me. Jaz is very uncomfortable pulling garbage in front of people. It doesn't bother me one bit. I guess it comes from perspective. I could also classify people broadly as people that matter and people that don't. The people that "don't matter" do matter in that they matter to themselves and I wouldn't want to hurt them, and of course they effect me indirectly but most people don't matter. If they see me eating out of a garbage can it wont change anything. Sometimes they will turn into someone who will matter but odds are they won't be able to see past my clothing. I wear my hippy cloths when I don't want anyone to see me. Most of the people who matter won't care anyway. Back to the stuff stuff. It floats in and out of my life without care. I get stuff for free or super cheap and then it disappears or I give it away. Most things in the world are pretty interchangeable. If I eat one kind of green food or another it's pretty much the same, one shirt or another, etc. In our world you need to have particular things. I don't do well with particulars. I will need to get better at that.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Nervous little schoolboy
I just got on the bus for my first day of school. I arrived at the bus stop far earlier then I needed to and was feeling very unsure by the time the bus finally arrived. Stepping onto the bus I offered the driver $10. "I can't make change" he said. My heart started racing. "What should I do?" followed by another "I can't make change" had me worried. I was already going to be late for orientation. I told him it was my first time using a Boulder bus and I should be getting a bus pass tomorrow. A small fib on both accounts. I used a bus from Denver to Boulder to get here and although I would gladly buy a bus pass tomorrow when I have proof I am a student I don't have the money for it yet. I will have some money soon though. Merrin and Mom and Dad are each going to give me a few dollars. And I am saving all I am not spending on school. Jaz and I have and will continue to be couch surfing until we find a suitable place to camp or a room in exchange for work or whatever. We have been garbage, table and dumpster diving 95% of our food. The other 5% comes from foraging for acorns and free food from places like food not bombs or other events.
Bus two: After school.
I caught a ride home from school and will probably be carpooling from now on. Even so I have the feeling that I will be getting allot of productive work done waiting for and riding buses, especially throughout the winter. Jaz and I have packed our bags and are heading to our new temporary home. We will be staying in our own room for the first time since MA.
I arrived at school a little late just in time to start the getting to know you exercise. As I looked around the room I felt somewhat alone. I searched for eye contact and a warm smile and found none. It was a young, attractive, liberal minded looking group. There were over 30 altogether I think. It's not that I didn't like the group. I liked them fine. I just felt uncomfortable and I was looking for Beniot or Kristen. Someone I could be friends with even before we meet.
While going through the long and tedious orientation process I began to muse over the differences between ITM Thailand and BCMT. The first thing that struck me was that we were in chairs. Secondly was that we were in rows facing the teacher. As I was writing the list I became depressed. When they said no piercings I thought of the Spanish punks and how much I loved them... I am not going to BCMT to enjoy an ITM kind of social environment. I have to face the fact that this is the USA and people get offended at my jokes (at lunch) and need a day to go over attendance rules and dress codes. I am not going to school here to have fun. I am going to get the best education available. I think I will get an exceptional education. The staff seems very competent and the facilities although somewhat sterile have an air of academia about them. And I think I will have fun. It is a massage school after all. Once we start touching each other I am sure everyone will loosen up a little.
Bus two: After school.
I caught a ride home from school and will probably be carpooling from now on. Even so I have the feeling that I will be getting allot of productive work done waiting for and riding buses, especially throughout the winter. Jaz and I have packed our bags and are heading to our new temporary home. We will be staying in our own room for the first time since MA.
I arrived at school a little late just in time to start the getting to know you exercise. As I looked around the room I felt somewhat alone. I searched for eye contact and a warm smile and found none. It was a young, attractive, liberal minded looking group. There were over 30 altogether I think. It's not that I didn't like the group. I liked them fine. I just felt uncomfortable and I was looking for Beniot or Kristen. Someone I could be friends with even before we meet.
While going through the long and tedious orientation process I began to muse over the differences between ITM Thailand and BCMT. The first thing that struck me was that we were in chairs. Secondly was that we were in rows facing the teacher. As I was writing the list I became depressed. When they said no piercings I thought of the Spanish punks and how much I loved them... I am not going to BCMT to enjoy an ITM kind of social environment. I have to face the fact that this is the USA and people get offended at my jokes (at lunch) and need a day to go over attendance rules and dress codes. I am not going to school here to have fun. I am going to get the best education available. I think I will get an exceptional education. The staff seems very competent and the facilities although somewhat sterile have an air of academia about them. And I think I will have fun. It is a massage school after all. Once we start touching each other I am sure everyone will loosen up a little.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Ketchup
Thumb wars!
Yee Haw!
Goodwill
UncleLet's start where I left off in MA. Quickly mentioning the Breathwork seminar at the Wild Cat with Kieth and Susan Iellamo. It was a pretty incredible experience. The form or the practice involves a breather and a sitter, the sitter being there to support the breather along their journey. First I was the sitter for my partner. I was amazed how powerfully my partner was effected. I took a vow of confidentiality so unfortunately I can't describe my sitting experience in detail, but I can say that it was beautiful and moving. Breathing was pretty crazy. First I started laughing and as I enjoyed the new sensations then when I heard someone crying I felt the pain in their voice and began crying with them for a few minutes but soon I was laughing again. I had been reading a book on Buddhist philosophy talking about the depths and heights of fictitious being and thinking about karmic theories I became dissatisfied with my experience and realized that although I was feeling really high my experience was conditioned by karma and soon enough I would find myself upset and caught up in the suffering of the world. About that time I had to pee, and realized that I could not stand without help. My sitter helped me outside and down the stairs. I could hardly walk but I suddenly had the irresistible urge to run. Running was incredible, I moved with awkward jerks until I had a perceptual shift which allowed me to move freely for a minute or so before returning to spazness. While peeing I watched the trees morph and and shimmer. The rest of the event was pretty timeless. There was a moment when I think I stopped breathing, vaguely aware of my sitter calling for Kieth. A moment of nothingness, a flash. In the flash I freaked out, grasping for something I remembered my mantra repeating it seemed so mundane and I let it go. The nothingness I think was probably just a loss of consciousness, the flash was certainly some kind of one pointedness. Next thing I know I am aware that we were supposed to stop and close the session. Afterward my mind was very raw and childish. I was trying to eat some snacks and ended up getting food all over my face, hands and cloths. My 2 of my motherly friends helped wipe me up as I stood there grinning like a fool. During the closing circle I thanked Kieth and Susan for having me as their guests. Kieth asked me to say something about my experience, with the laughing and all so I briefly said something about the highs and lows of fictitious being.
That was certainly the highlight of my later MA experience.
Merrin was in PA for Crystal's wedding so she came to visit Carlos in North Hampton and pick me up and bring me to FL. We stopped in NJ to pick up Jaz and stopped in WV to see mom and Jack. The Florida highlight was visiting Plant City for the first time in many many years.
I don't have a camera anymore. My old camera destroyed all of my Laos pictures and allot of my Thailand pictures :( These pictures are complements of Jaz.
Car ride with Merrin and Jaz
Sad prince.
I found my princess!
My best man.
Damon
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Life is suffering.
I would like to write a more detailed account of the highlights from the past few months soon but for now I will skip to the current state of my life. Bob and I are in Black Mountain NC visiting Merrin. The school bus is in less then perfect working order and sitting in her driveway. It is doubtful that we will be able to continue the trip to Boulder CO but as of yet undecided. Jaz has moved to a community near Asheville and may not be coming to Boulder with me either. I will visit her on Saturday or Sunday and we will decide on the apropriate course. My Stafford loans for school will not cover even my full tuition and I have been denied additional student loans. I am sure I can beg the tuition money from my family but living expences will have to be free. I am feeling confident that I can excel in the chalenges ahead.
That is the basic structure of my life. Living within that structure I have been studying Buddhisim and living a semi-charmed life. There is a basic truth in (Theravada) Buddhism that life is inherently Dukkha (suffering), that all of the emotions are dukkha, and that pleasure is pleasure, pain is pain, and freedom is freedom. I have thought about this and vaugly agreed with it for some time but more and more I am understanding it in a more fundemental way. Even with the recognition that happyness is fleeting and unsubstantial I have lived with happyness as my goal. I have not come up with a better goal yet but no emotion can be worthy for pursuit. I would like to say that "self awareness" or "mindfullness" could be a worthy goal but I worry about being one of those mindless atomitons who repeate what they read and hear without understanding. If awareness can be a goal as an object in and of itself I have not found either the object itself nor the method that seems to lead towards it. I will continue my meditation practice and studies but I can still only report uncertinty.
I hope you are all doing well.
:D
That is the basic structure of my life. Living within that structure I have been studying Buddhisim and living a semi-charmed life. There is a basic truth in (Theravada) Buddhism that life is inherently Dukkha (suffering), that all of the emotions are dukkha, and that pleasure is pleasure, pain is pain, and freedom is freedom. I have thought about this and vaugly agreed with it for some time but more and more I am understanding it in a more fundemental way. Even with the recognition that happyness is fleeting and unsubstantial I have lived with happyness as my goal. I have not come up with a better goal yet but no emotion can be worthy for pursuit. I would like to say that "self awareness" or "mindfullness" could be a worthy goal but I worry about being one of those mindless atomitons who repeate what they read and hear without understanding. If awareness can be a goal as an object in and of itself I have not found either the object itself nor the method that seems to lead towards it. I will continue my meditation practice and studies but I can still only report uncertinty.
I hope you are all doing well.
:D
Sunday, September 7, 2008
We're off like a herd of turtles.
Our journey begins. Jaz, Bob, Bernard and I are finally off toward Boulder CO where I will be spending a year in massage school.
Jaz and I left MA almost a month ago for a week in sunny Florida. One of my oldest and dearest friends, John Russel was getting married and I was in the wedding party. The wedding was beautiful. It was held in Sarasota at the renowned Marie Selby Botanical Gardens. While in Sarasota we stayed with Tim. One fiasco followed the next, enough so that I would prefer not to recount my stupidities. Even so I was very happy to be have the time with Tim. When Merrin drove back up to Asheville for her job interview (she did get the job and is happy with it) we accompanied her to Gainesville to visit Holt (My brother) and drove back to stay with my dad for a few days. That was the plan. The plan was formed on a whim, as always, and had many revisions before it started taking shape, as always.
It all started when I stunk up the back seat of Tim's car. I put a broken watermellon in the back seat and by the end of a hot Florida afternoon the juice that had soaked into the seat was beginning to smell something fierce. I smeared the seat with a full box of baking soda and needed Bob's shop vac to clean it up. I didn't make it on time but that's another story altogether. I had about 45 minutes to clean the car and leave to get to the wedding rehearsal on time. Somehow in the course of catching up Bob offered to move to Boulder CO with us and he and the bus would be ready to leave in a week from then. Yeah right.
I spent many of the days waiting for Bob to get ready at Marty's. Dad and Marty are both doing really well. The also have a guest, Loralea. Loralea is a 40ish year old woman with the spirit of a teenager. She spends her days playing with toys, helping Marty start a new business and hanging out with my dad. She is a blessing for both of them.
For the amount of time that I spent in FL I am disapointed with the number of my friends I saw. In the past two years of having a cell phone I have become almost dependent upon it for my social life. With out the ability to call and arrange plans I sortof gave up on trying to meet up with people. On the up side of that I spent alot of time at Marty's hanging out with Dad.
I am very happy for the time spent in Tampa/Sarasota but I am also glad to be moving again. I am amazed at the reception the bus gets. People are so happy to see us and very glad to give us their veggie oil. I will keep a blog for this month, at least until we get to Boulder CO.
Check us out at Bernardthebus.com. Jaz and I will be Jazzing up the site in a few days.
Until next time. :D
Jaz and I left MA almost a month ago for a week in sunny Florida. One of my oldest and dearest friends, John Russel was getting married and I was in the wedding party. The wedding was beautiful. It was held in Sarasota at the renowned Marie Selby Botanical Gardens. While in Sarasota we stayed with Tim. One fiasco followed the next, enough so that I would prefer not to recount my stupidities. Even so I was very happy to be have the time with Tim. When Merrin drove back up to Asheville for her job interview (she did get the job and is happy with it) we accompanied her to Gainesville to visit Holt (My brother) and drove back to stay with my dad for a few days. That was the plan. The plan was formed on a whim, as always, and had many revisions before it started taking shape, as always.
It all started when I stunk up the back seat of Tim's car. I put a broken watermellon in the back seat and by the end of a hot Florida afternoon the juice that had soaked into the seat was beginning to smell something fierce. I smeared the seat with a full box of baking soda and needed Bob's shop vac to clean it up. I didn't make it on time but that's another story altogether. I had about 45 minutes to clean the car and leave to get to the wedding rehearsal on time. Somehow in the course of catching up Bob offered to move to Boulder CO with us and he and the bus would be ready to leave in a week from then. Yeah right.
I spent many of the days waiting for Bob to get ready at Marty's. Dad and Marty are both doing really well. The also have a guest, Loralea. Loralea is a 40ish year old woman with the spirit of a teenager. She spends her days playing with toys, helping Marty start a new business and hanging out with my dad. She is a blessing for both of them.
For the amount of time that I spent in FL I am disapointed with the number of my friends I saw. In the past two years of having a cell phone I have become almost dependent upon it for my social life. With out the ability to call and arrange plans I sortof gave up on trying to meet up with people. On the up side of that I spent alot of time at Marty's hanging out with Dad.
I am very happy for the time spent in Tampa/Sarasota but I am also glad to be moving again. I am amazed at the reception the bus gets. People are so happy to see us and very glad to give us their veggie oil. I will keep a blog for this month, at least until we get to Boulder CO.
Check us out at Bernardthebus.com. Jaz and I will be Jazzing up the site in a few days.
Until next time. :D
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Jaz and I just got back from The Abode today after almost a week stay. It was awesome. I love the community there! I love sufis. When I first met Shahabuddin maybe 5 years ago I almost became a sufi initiate. I really liked him both as a person and as a teacher. I never felt a strong connection with or really even a much of a liking for Panditj at the Himalayan Institute. Don't get me wrong, I have allot of respect for him, but that's it. I have been known to be prone to hasty decisions, flightiness, lack of commitment etc. For jobs or living arrangements, yes, but that has never been much of a problem when it comes to dedication to my practices what ever those may be. There is a saying about practice being like digging a well. If you flit around you dig alot of holes but you never hit water. With that in mind I thought seriously about Sufism, read about it, went to classes, and then decided to go to the Abode and live there for a few months. After all that I came to the conclusion that although I really love sufis, I am not a sufi.
I went back to the Abode to see Tim. I had forgotten how much I loved the other sufis. Yogis on the other hand I usually find kinda boring. The HI for example has so little vibrancy in the community. That doesn't mean that I couldn't find things to complain about at the Abode or that I don't like the HI. After all I spent 3 months at the Abode and a year and 3 months at the HI. I guess I like the sufi approach to life and yoga's approach to philosophy and practice.
Anyway, I had a blast.
I went back to the Abode to see Tim. I had forgotten how much I loved the other sufis. Yogis on the other hand I usually find kinda boring. The HI for example has so little vibrancy in the community. That doesn't mean that I couldn't find things to complain about at the Abode or that I don't like the HI. After all I spent 3 months at the Abode and a year and 3 months at the HI. I guess I like the sufi approach to life and yoga's approach to philosophy and practice.
Anyway, I had a blast.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Birthday
Twenty Six years ago today, counting on the Gregorian calendar, a baby came out of a woman. The child was named Daniel (judged by god) after it's grand father, Abraham in hopes that the child would leave his home and go to the land that god would show him, and Clough to designate his fathers family. I don't remember that day.
My first memory always seemed pretty insignificant. I didn't know why I remembered it, but maybe it was the beginning of the recognition that I was pretending. I was pretending that a plastic banana was a banana, then I was taking that banana and pretending it was a gun. And then I noticed that the plastic blocks in the corner were blue. In my memory they were almost glowing. I still don't know why I remember that part, but that was always the focus of the memory.
The second memory was probably some years later. I was at a friends house playing on his Nintendo. Actually it was his turn and I was waiting for mine. I wondered why time seemed to go so fast when I was playing and was slow while I was waiting. How did time work? Could I effect that in any way? I think I was 3.
I I I. You could read a hundred very complicated papers about me. I mean I. You know, Myself, or The Self. So "I" will not be going into philosophy here. But it is interesting, and it has some relevance to my everyday life, right?
I woke up this morning with a day planned. All I really wanted to do was brush my teeth and have sex but there was a schedule and I had to make my favorite meal before people came so that we could leave by 10 to get to the guys house and use the orbatron and then I would be meeting a friend for lunch and Courtney hasn't called and Ryan is still sleeping and will be late and... Whoa...
So this is my new writing style, eh?
On writing and the nature of self: This is not me...
Everyday I make some comment about bullshit. I was silent for 6 months, everybody asked me what I learned... Have I told you the story about Nasaruddin? When someone asks him what the truth is? "nothing I have ever said, nor ever will."
It's like, yeah, I'm an air head.
That's why I make fun of people, and myself... I'm an air head. I am empty. I am potential. When I write, even more then when I speak, I am worried about confusing that with the truth. The past six months I have written allot about what I have done and experienced. I could have written the whole thing from a totally different perspective that would have seemed like a totally different life. I think Mom said I was 14 the first time I told her I wanted to leave the world behind and be a renounciate. I still think about that regularly, but I don't think that it will bring me freedom and happiness I seek.
I remember at some point getting angry and kicking the very nice antique couch that we got with our house. While I was doing it I was watching myself do it, afterwards I thought that it was a bad Idea and wondered why I did it. It was as if I was not in control of myself. Later I realized that I was in control of myself. It was as if I was a puppet master pulling the strings. I was not myself but I could influence myself by exerting intention. I was on depression pills at the time that made me feel dead so that I didn't do anything destructive. If I didn't take the pills I would get horribly sick and puke my guts out and go into emotional fits. One time, in middle school, I freaked out in math class. I couldn't breath, much less speak to say that I needed my drugs. I hated life.
My first day on the orbatron is allot like a new birth. It is like a new body. The same way a baby stretches and looks at it's hands I tried to understand how my new body worked. In the same way I am still trying to become one with my mind. If I lean this way I rotate that way, if I shift my hips like this I do that. How do you talk about the mind? I can get angry at will. I can become calm. I can be light hearted and silly. Sometimes I am so focused that though my eyes are open I do not see.
I feel at ends. I eat out of a dumpster and read about philosophy. What am I doing with my life? Massage school. I like massage. Why is the leg like that? It's not supposed to be like that. What happens if I stretch that and press here? It's the same thing as the orbatron, it's the same thing as the baby stretching it's hand.
So if I experience your body and my body the same way that I experience my mind and the orbatron can I say that your body is me? I can effect it, when I have contact with it do I become it? Maybe I have it backwards, maybe because I am usually in contact with my body I think that it is me when in fact it is not? I really can't control it any way. Maybe more then you can but not really. And my mind, I don't think I had any control of that until I was around 14. Maybe self and control have nothing to do with each other.
I feel strange. There doesn't seem to be much connection between how I feel right now and how I did 8 years ago. That's about when I started yoga. I was doing allot of drugs at the time. I had gotten kicked out of school and was working as a laborer. Digging mostly. My back hurt. I sat down in a bookstore and read about the 8 limbs and thought "Wow, these people have a system for doing what I have been trying to do my whole life." I don't know how long I read but when I stood up I didn't realize that my foot was asleep and I fell over. After learning how to walk on my leg that was completely numb from the thigh down I walked around and thought about how interesting it was until the pins and needles came. I kept walking and it seemed like the whole of my being was pins and needles.
Tomorrow Jaz and I are going on a 10-12 day trip. I am so busy. What am I doing?
My first memory always seemed pretty insignificant. I didn't know why I remembered it, but maybe it was the beginning of the recognition that I was pretending. I was pretending that a plastic banana was a banana, then I was taking that banana and pretending it was a gun. And then I noticed that the plastic blocks in the corner were blue. In my memory they were almost glowing. I still don't know why I remember that part, but that was always the focus of the memory.
The second memory was probably some years later. I was at a friends house playing on his Nintendo. Actually it was his turn and I was waiting for mine. I wondered why time seemed to go so fast when I was playing and was slow while I was waiting. How did time work? Could I effect that in any way? I think I was 3.
I I I. You could read a hundred very complicated papers about me. I mean I. You know, Myself, or The Self. So "I" will not be going into philosophy here. But it is interesting, and it has some relevance to my everyday life, right?
I woke up this morning with a day planned. All I really wanted to do was brush my teeth and have sex but there was a schedule and I had to make my favorite meal before people came so that we could leave by 10 to get to the guys house and use the orbatron and then I would be meeting a friend for lunch and Courtney hasn't called and Ryan is still sleeping and will be late and... Whoa...
So this is my new writing style, eh?
On writing and the nature of self: This is not me...
Everyday I make some comment about bullshit. I was silent for 6 months, everybody asked me what I learned... Have I told you the story about Nasaruddin? When someone asks him what the truth is? "nothing I have ever said, nor ever will."
It's like, yeah, I'm an air head.
That's why I make fun of people, and myself... I'm an air head. I am empty. I am potential. When I write, even more then when I speak, I am worried about confusing that with the truth. The past six months I have written allot about what I have done and experienced. I could have written the whole thing from a totally different perspective that would have seemed like a totally different life. I think Mom said I was 14 the first time I told her I wanted to leave the world behind and be a renounciate. I still think about that regularly, but I don't think that it will bring me freedom and happiness I seek.
I remember at some point getting angry and kicking the very nice antique couch that we got with our house. While I was doing it I was watching myself do it, afterwards I thought that it was a bad Idea and wondered why I did it. It was as if I was not in control of myself. Later I realized that I was in control of myself. It was as if I was a puppet master pulling the strings. I was not myself but I could influence myself by exerting intention. I was on depression pills at the time that made me feel dead so that I didn't do anything destructive. If I didn't take the pills I would get horribly sick and puke my guts out and go into emotional fits. One time, in middle school, I freaked out in math class. I couldn't breath, much less speak to say that I needed my drugs. I hated life.
My first day on the orbatron is allot like a new birth. It is like a new body. The same way a baby stretches and looks at it's hands I tried to understand how my new body worked. In the same way I am still trying to become one with my mind. If I lean this way I rotate that way, if I shift my hips like this I do that. How do you talk about the mind? I can get angry at will. I can become calm. I can be light hearted and silly. Sometimes I am so focused that though my eyes are open I do not see.
I feel at ends. I eat out of a dumpster and read about philosophy. What am I doing with my life? Massage school. I like massage. Why is the leg like that? It's not supposed to be like that. What happens if I stretch that and press here? It's the same thing as the orbatron, it's the same thing as the baby stretching it's hand.
So if I experience your body and my body the same way that I experience my mind and the orbatron can I say that your body is me? I can effect it, when I have contact with it do I become it? Maybe I have it backwards, maybe because I am usually in contact with my body I think that it is me when in fact it is not? I really can't control it any way. Maybe more then you can but not really. And my mind, I don't think I had any control of that until I was around 14. Maybe self and control have nothing to do with each other.
I feel strange. There doesn't seem to be much connection between how I feel right now and how I did 8 years ago. That's about when I started yoga. I was doing allot of drugs at the time. I had gotten kicked out of school and was working as a laborer. Digging mostly. My back hurt. I sat down in a bookstore and read about the 8 limbs and thought "Wow, these people have a system for doing what I have been trying to do my whole life." I don't know how long I read but when I stood up I didn't realize that my foot was asleep and I fell over. After learning how to walk on my leg that was completely numb from the thigh down I walked around and thought about how interesting it was until the pins and needles came. I kept walking and it seemed like the whole of my being was pins and needles.
Tomorrow Jaz and I are going on a 10-12 day trip. I am so busy. What am I doing?
Pratītyasamutpāda Look it up.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I arranged to hangout with Jaz all day on Wendesday. First we went to her farm, Wild Cat Garden, to get a tour. The crew was composed of Carlos, Ryan, Jaz and myself. Carlos and Ryan wandered off giving Jaz and I alone time. She asked what I had learned in Capoeria on tuesday so I showed her some partner stretches. At this point I slightly regreted my choice of clothing. Thai pants with no underwear does nothing to hide an erection and I had to use all the force of my will to avoid getting one. Next we walked to her tree house and tent. The treehouse was poorly made and I told her she needed to fix it before someone got hurt. I felt a little out of place in that but I didn't feel 100% comfortable with my saftey and didn't like the Idea of her being up in that thing every night. When we got to her tent I was so happy! It is practicly the same tent that I lived in for many months. The only difference is the poles(fiberglass not aluminum) and the color(blue not orange). We crawled inside and I told her about my old tent. Ryan had to leave soon so we caught up with the boys at the creek and splashed around for a bit. Carlos and I did a full submersion in the florida boy freeing water. It was actually kind of nice but I couldn't admit it.
As we droped Ryan off at his place so that he could get ready to meet his girlfriends grandmother Jaz and I decided to get into trouble. We climbed out a window to try to find Ryan's apartment from the outside. Two chastisements later we made it there the conventional way, through the building. Ryan has a big apartment in downtown Northampton. He offered me the use of the space for a birthday party. I think I will take him up on it, right now I don't really have enough friends in town to have a party but in 2 weeks I may be able to throw something together.
Carlos has a good friend who was cooking at Sirius that night so we went early in order to hang out before dinner.
OK. It's been a while and It's time for the abridged version. The rest was from before.
Sirius is great, I met cool people and ended up in a cuddle pile by the end of the night. Thanks to Mirah who pulled me out the meditation I got into when everybody else was doing music.
Jumping ahead to tonight thinking about music. Capoeria is actually getting me excited about making music. It's neat because the music and movement are not only related but some times part of the same process.
Last weekend Jaz and I did a Journalism workshop with Keith Harmon Snow. It was really good. It was at the Wild Cat Garden.
I need to start doing soemthing diferent with the blog... I am getting bored with this. I would go into it now but Jaz just got home so I am getting off the computer.
Life is good.
Hope you are all well.
As we droped Ryan off at his place so that he could get ready to meet his girlfriends grandmother Jaz and I decided to get into trouble. We climbed out a window to try to find Ryan's apartment from the outside. Two chastisements later we made it there the conventional way, through the building. Ryan has a big apartment in downtown Northampton. He offered me the use of the space for a birthday party. I think I will take him up on it, right now I don't really have enough friends in town to have a party but in 2 weeks I may be able to throw something together.
Carlos has a good friend who was cooking at Sirius that night so we went early in order to hang out before dinner.
OK. It's been a while and It's time for the abridged version. The rest was from before.
Sirius is great, I met cool people and ended up in a cuddle pile by the end of the night. Thanks to Mirah who pulled me out the meditation I got into when everybody else was doing music.
Jumping ahead to tonight thinking about music. Capoeria is actually getting me excited about making music. It's neat because the music and movement are not only related but some times part of the same process.
Last weekend Jaz and I did a Journalism workshop with Keith Harmon Snow. It was really good. It was at the Wild Cat Garden.
I need to start doing soemthing diferent with the blog... I am getting bored with this. I would go into it now but Jaz just got home so I am getting off the computer.
Life is good.
Hope you are all well.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Great potluck.
Monday night I went to a pot luck at the Pedal People house. For the Sarasotians reading this think 47th street house on bike steroids. Carlos and I get there 15 min late because my soup took to long to cook. We walked into an empty house and met Ruthie and Alex. Ruthie has a beard and it took me a moment to figure out that she was a woman. At this point I am slightly concerned that I was going to have an awkward night with the bike freaks. That was not the case however. After some pleasant conversation I no longer noticed the facial hair and people started arriving. There were 4 people of significant for the story so I will talk about them but everyone at the party was great, but I couldn't get to know them all of course.
There was a log that guests could sign so that the pedal people had a record of who and how many people were at the potluck sitting in front of me so I decided to take it upon myself to direct everybody who came in to the log and get an introduction at the same time. Add a little humor and it was a great way to meet everyone who came in. Among the first wave of people was Andrea. In the course of the night I found out that she was going to New College next year, but we are getting ahead of ourselves here. "So you didn't puke yesterday?" Carlos was surprised enough that he asked about it the next day. I was feeling the resent loss of George Carlin and was keeping his spirit alive by being as abrasively funny as I could manage. It kick started a friendly banter that allowed for occasional input from the rest of the party. When cookies arrived I hid one under my bole so that Andrea would get one later. and later when she wanted her cookie I told her she would have to find it. She knew right where it was of course but I had arranged for a scavenger hunt in search of the cookie. The party had grown to about 12 by this point so I used the kitchen group of 6 to create and hide the hints. She was delighted. Right about now Jaz walks into the door. Andrea and Carlos where talking about dill being the devil and I hear someone say "Speak of the devil" and look up at Jaz. I fell in love. I had to engage her in conversation as quickly as possible so I said "Hey Dill!". She was a short, cute, Chinese American with scars all over her face and arm. She excused herself from the conversation quickly. My attention floated back to the hunt which was being combined with a house tour. Carlos came to tell me it was time to go. Shit! I told him I had to get 2 numbers before we left. Unfortunately I was not ready to get either number. Andrea would be easy enough at this point, at least we had flirted a little. I discreetly asked for her number. It was slightly awkward due to poor timing. I still had not had a conversation with Jaz. This seems like it would be a problem but she was very friendly and I figured I could easily get it just as a friendly contact. Carlos had gotten involved with some music so I led Andrea into the living room to listen. She walked ahead of me and landed about 3 steps away from Jaz. Standing next to Andrea would have put me facing away from Jaz and due to furniture position there would only have been intimate space for Andrea. I kept impersonal distance landing me halfway between both girls. I began talking with Jaz so Andrea moved to a more central spot in the room giving me space. A short conversation later I was standing next to a bookshelf alone. Damn it. Jaz told me she would be back but I knew she could easily get lost in the party. I couldn't follow her and I needed to be separate from the party so that she could join me again. I felt slightly at ends. Luckily Andrea had noticed that I was alone and came to talk. Jaz, Andrea and I talked about random stuff until I mentioned boku-maru, I found out another day that Cat's Cradle was one of Andrea's favorite books but for the time I was only interested in getting Jaz to sit down with me so that our souls could touch. Andrea left as Jaz and I started to get know each other. Actually we bonded immediately at this point. We began to stretch and chat on the floor of the party, mostly oblivious to our surroundings. I told her I had to leave but I would like see her again. As she looked for paper and a pen I rubbed Andrea's shoulders. Having accomplished all my goals for the night I was ready to go. Carlos wasn't. He had met some musicians and was sufficiently distracted. One of these was a woman named Dhyana, when we saw each other we tried to remember where we had met before to no avail but the next day I discovered that we had met at the Himalayan Institute while she was visiting with her sister. While waiting for Carlos I met David. He looked slightly morose so I introduced myself so that I could understand why he was the only one not smiling and laughing and carrying on. His father had recently died, and as a Jew he was obligated to observe certain customs. One of these was to not listen to music. I asked him about Jewish customs. I was interested in the customs themselves but also I wanted to bring him out a little. If my dad had died I would want to talk about it, but I wouldn't necessarily want to talk about my father himself.
Carlos and I drove home and I called and emailed Jaz. I knew that she wouldn't get the phone message until the next day and the email until the night. Carlos made fun of me for being excited about meeting her and then we sat for our nightly meditation.
There was a log that guests could sign so that the pedal people had a record of who and how many people were at the potluck sitting in front of me so I decided to take it upon myself to direct everybody who came in to the log and get an introduction at the same time. Add a little humor and it was a great way to meet everyone who came in. Among the first wave of people was Andrea. In the course of the night I found out that she was going to New College next year, but we are getting ahead of ourselves here. "So you didn't puke yesterday?" Carlos was surprised enough that he asked about it the next day. I was feeling the resent loss of George Carlin and was keeping his spirit alive by being as abrasively funny as I could manage. It kick started a friendly banter that allowed for occasional input from the rest of the party. When cookies arrived I hid one under my bole so that Andrea would get one later. and later when she wanted her cookie I told her she would have to find it. She knew right where it was of course but I had arranged for a scavenger hunt in search of the cookie. The party had grown to about 12 by this point so I used the kitchen group of 6 to create and hide the hints. She was delighted. Right about now Jaz walks into the door. Andrea and Carlos where talking about dill being the devil and I hear someone say "Speak of the devil" and look up at Jaz. I fell in love. I had to engage her in conversation as quickly as possible so I said "Hey Dill!". She was a short, cute, Chinese American with scars all over her face and arm. She excused herself from the conversation quickly. My attention floated back to the hunt which was being combined with a house tour. Carlos came to tell me it was time to go. Shit! I told him I had to get 2 numbers before we left. Unfortunately I was not ready to get either number. Andrea would be easy enough at this point, at least we had flirted a little. I discreetly asked for her number. It was slightly awkward due to poor timing. I still had not had a conversation with Jaz. This seems like it would be a problem but she was very friendly and I figured I could easily get it just as a friendly contact. Carlos had gotten involved with some music so I led Andrea into the living room to listen. She walked ahead of me and landed about 3 steps away from Jaz. Standing next to Andrea would have put me facing away from Jaz and due to furniture position there would only have been intimate space for Andrea. I kept impersonal distance landing me halfway between both girls. I began talking with Jaz so Andrea moved to a more central spot in the room giving me space. A short conversation later I was standing next to a bookshelf alone. Damn it. Jaz told me she would be back but I knew she could easily get lost in the party. I couldn't follow her and I needed to be separate from the party so that she could join me again. I felt slightly at ends. Luckily Andrea had noticed that I was alone and came to talk. Jaz, Andrea and I talked about random stuff until I mentioned boku-maru, I found out another day that Cat's Cradle was one of Andrea's favorite books but for the time I was only interested in getting Jaz to sit down with me so that our souls could touch. Andrea left as Jaz and I started to get know each other. Actually we bonded immediately at this point. We began to stretch and chat on the floor of the party, mostly oblivious to our surroundings. I told her I had to leave but I would like see her again. As she looked for paper and a pen I rubbed Andrea's shoulders. Having accomplished all my goals for the night I was ready to go. Carlos wasn't. He had met some musicians and was sufficiently distracted. One of these was a woman named Dhyana, when we saw each other we tried to remember where we had met before to no avail but the next day I discovered that we had met at the Himalayan Institute while she was visiting with her sister. While waiting for Carlos I met David. He looked slightly morose so I introduced myself so that I could understand why he was the only one not smiling and laughing and carrying on. His father had recently died, and as a Jew he was obligated to observe certain customs. One of these was to not listen to music. I asked him about Jewish customs. I was interested in the customs themselves but also I wanted to bring him out a little. If my dad had died I would want to talk about it, but I wouldn't necessarily want to talk about my father himself.
Carlos and I drove home and I called and emailed Jaz. I knew that she wouldn't get the phone message until the next day and the email until the night. Carlos made fun of me for being excited about meeting her and then we sat for our nightly meditation.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Music scenes
Friday night Carlos and I drove to the local eco-village for a dinner and open mic. I did my proformance during dinner while noone was expecting it. We sat with Ted and Megan and ate a great veggitrian meal with homegrown salad and homebaked cookies! I engaged Megan in bantar and almost killed her with humor. One of my faviorate things about new people is that they don't know if I am joking or not untill I lead them into a whole world of half truths and fantasies.
The open mic follewed the dinner. Tony sat upon a stool to introduse his novel idea to a crowed of 10-15 young men and women. Most open mics are set to be an atomsphere for unpolished preformers to gain experience being on stage, ussualy showcasing there best finnished pieces. In contrast to that Tony wanted to create a space where artists could come with unfinished and experimental works to get feedback from their comunity. He offed a song as an example. It sounded like it could have been finished. The song told a story of love lost. His voice and gitar playing were profesional quality. Afterwards he critiqued the song and asked for feedback. Tony agreed that the song could bennifit from a naritive and emotional climax and sung a 30 second blurb he was thinking about including. I was intreged by the idea that he has probably spent days revising and editing the song. Several more people made comments and sugestions and he thanked them and introduced the next artist.
Art for artists sake was not ment just for singing or even prefoming arts. He incoraged all artists to come if they were interested in feedback. When asked by a craftsman what kind of art he would like he replied "woodcarving".
Tim was interested in the court favorite, Jesting and Joking. Starting with a bad joke while juggeling to set the tone and incorage low standards he had us all laughing by the second joke. Bringing out his crystal ball and turning on some trance he contact juggled while techno dancing. Another guy, Mathew, did a sort of buddhist who's on first. Comicly trying to find the self throgh a conversation between me, I and Manthew.
Carlos did an impromtu play of sorts. Asking for two volenteers and passing the skit out amongst the audience he lead us through a journey of healing and adventure. I was impressed at how well it came together. Everyone in the audience was partisipating exept for me and the volenteers who had individual parts sounded particularly good. Everyone loved the Idea and Carlos had an oppertunity to test out his revolutionary idea. On the way home we talked what happened compared to what he expected and where he could go with the idea.
Saturday night Carlos brought me over to Ryan's house to see Dan and Ben preform. As we walk in I hear Dan declare "this is a hitchhiking song". I felt at home immediately. My faviorate song of the night was Saint Patrick's Battalion. It is an unlikely but touching true story about a group of Irishman who joined the Mexicans against the USA.. I stared out the window as I listened and thought about the powerful transending nature of music and tried to reach across the distance of time and space and identify with a man I could never have known.
Near the end of the first act 2 people walked in and sat down in the back. I glanced back and though I couldn't see them well I commented to Carlos about the boy having great energy. Durring the intermission several people came to introduce themselfs to me. "Are you the fabled Daniel?" I was asked... I should have said that "I would be prefered to be known as infamous". Disapointed with the choice of words I lamely responded with "maybe." At least half of the crowd was already standing around me which is a situation I could appriciate. When the two I had noticed earlier came by I was happy to ignore the rest and talk about indian music with my new sitar playing friend. Unfortunatly Mike is going to India soon and we will not get to know eachother.
After the consert there was a nice conversation about politics and global issues followed by getting to know you time with our host Ryan, Carlos and I.
So far I am really enjoying Northampton MA.
The open mic follewed the dinner. Tony sat upon a stool to introduse his novel idea to a crowed of 10-15 young men and women. Most open mics are set to be an atomsphere for unpolished preformers to gain experience being on stage, ussualy showcasing there best finnished pieces. In contrast to that Tony wanted to create a space where artists could come with unfinished and experimental works to get feedback from their comunity. He offed a song as an example. It sounded like it could have been finished. The song told a story of love lost. His voice and gitar playing were profesional quality. Afterwards he critiqued the song and asked for feedback. Tony agreed that the song could bennifit from a naritive and emotional climax and sung a 30 second blurb he was thinking about including. I was intreged by the idea that he has probably spent days revising and editing the song. Several more people made comments and sugestions and he thanked them and introduced the next artist.
Art for artists sake was not ment just for singing or even prefoming arts. He incoraged all artists to come if they were interested in feedback. When asked by a craftsman what kind of art he would like he replied "woodcarving".
Tim was interested in the court favorite, Jesting and Joking. Starting with a bad joke while juggeling to set the tone and incorage low standards he had us all laughing by the second joke. Bringing out his crystal ball and turning on some trance he contact juggled while techno dancing. Another guy, Mathew, did a sort of buddhist who's on first. Comicly trying to find the self throgh a conversation between me, I and Manthew.
Carlos did an impromtu play of sorts. Asking for two volenteers and passing the skit out amongst the audience he lead us through a journey of healing and adventure. I was impressed at how well it came together. Everyone in the audience was partisipating exept for me and the volenteers who had individual parts sounded particularly good. Everyone loved the Idea and Carlos had an oppertunity to test out his revolutionary idea. On the way home we talked what happened compared to what he expected and where he could go with the idea.
Saturday night Carlos brought me over to Ryan's house to see Dan and Ben preform. As we walk in I hear Dan declare "this is a hitchhiking song". I felt at home immediately. My faviorate song of the night was Saint Patrick's Battalion. It is an unlikely but touching true story about a group of Irishman who joined the Mexicans against the USA.. I stared out the window as I listened and thought about the powerful transending nature of music and tried to reach across the distance of time and space and identify with a man I could never have known.
Near the end of the first act 2 people walked in and sat down in the back. I glanced back and though I couldn't see them well I commented to Carlos about the boy having great energy. Durring the intermission several people came to introduce themselfs to me. "Are you the fabled Daniel?" I was asked... I should have said that "I would be prefered to be known as infamous". Disapointed with the choice of words I lamely responded with "maybe." At least half of the crowd was already standing around me which is a situation I could appriciate. When the two I had noticed earlier came by I was happy to ignore the rest and talk about indian music with my new sitar playing friend. Unfortunatly Mike is going to India soon and we will not get to know eachother.
After the consert there was a nice conversation about politics and global issues followed by getting to know you time with our host Ryan, Carlos and I.
So far I am really enjoying Northampton MA.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Himalayan Institute
The plan for Friday was to go to Queens for a rehearsal and then to be dropped off in Albany NY in order to catch a ride to The Abode of the Message. Things didn't quite work out that way.
When we got to Queens we met with Bisc1 and had some coffee. The rehearsal was great fun. As Bisc and Broke shouted to an invisible crowd of Canadians I smiled gleefully and played along with their hooks. "When I say ___, you say ___." They ran through the set twice which allowed me to see both how much planing goes into a hip hop show and how much spontaneity. Then we hopped in the car headed towards Toronto. After about an hour I decided to plan ahead. I looked at the map to see exactly where they were going to drop me off and when we would get there so a friend could pick me up. The only thing was that we were not going through Albany as planned. The route took us through Scranton PA instead. I could deal with that. They dropped me off at a closed bagel shop in Dixon City. I called up Jon and Maureen and asked if I could stay at their place. I didn't get an answer but I figured that I might as well head that direction. I got my barrings and started walking towards Honesdale. I got about 8 miles when someone yelled at me from out their big truck. "You want a cookie?" They were going to fast for me to actually understand them. Shortly there after I came across The Jamaican Junction. "Sweet, Rastas. I can hang with them for a minute." I thought. When I walked in I didn't see any Jamaicans, only 3 dudes and a dudeette. The guys where all giants and where very openly attracted to the smaller fit younger woman who was working the shop. They were surprised to see me. "You want a cookie!" they started laughing. We sat around and smoked from the hookah and bullshit for a while. When they were ready to go they offered a ride. "But you have to lay down in the back, and when we switch trucks their is a topper." I was slightly disappointed they were not leaving me with the girl, but I wasn't going to turn down a ride. We turned down a dirt road and started up the mountain. They were trying to scare me. They were a playful bunch. When we switched trucks I squeezed into a half full 3/4 bed with a flat topper. First thing I did was to figure out how to escape in case the exhaust started to asphyxiate me. I relaxed into the situation and we hummed down the road. When we arrived they told me to "Jump out of the truck". All of their friends were on the porch and got a big kick out of it. "Don't you know your not supposed to pick up hitch hikers! What if he is a serial killer!" Said James' wife. There was allot of discussion among the girls their about me and how it was bad that I was their. Meanwhile James was fixing me a burger with BBQ sauce and mayo. Two burgers and 2 cookies later Jon came to pick me up. I had made it to only about 15 min away from the Himalayan Institute. James gave me all kinds of fatherly advice when I left like "at least get some tennis shoes so you can run if you need to." His neighbor came out of his house when we were saying our good byes and looked at us real mean. James said it was because he was Puerto Rican. What do you expect in small town PA?
I woke up early the next morning to meditate. Right now the Himalayan Institute is doing a year long meditation vigil. For 16 hours each day there are always 2 people sitting and concentrating on the mahamritunjaya mantra. Jon and I went in at 8 to take the place of Dr. Carrie who was out of town. It was nice. I had not sat for an hour in months and the time went by faster then I expected. My concentration was weak to put it mildly. I have never been very good at concentration exercises and spend most of my meditations doing vipasasna which comes very naturally.
I spent most of my time at the Institute playing with Jon and Maureen's baby girl Tulsi. For pictures of her you can go to their blog. David H and I were the first guests to come to see Tulsi when she was born and I spent allot of time with her in her first months. She is now two years old didn't remember me. She has maybe the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. There really isn't much else to say. I also spent allot of time with Carrie and Mark's two boys Mathew and Jason. They are 11 and 9 now. Crystal who most of you know is my ex girlfriend and the only girl I can honestly say I was in love with is going to get married soon. Zach. the man she will be marrying seems to be a great guy. I didn't get to know him but he had a nice feel and look about him. Crystal and I didn't make time to really catch up but she seemed like she was doing really well. Almost everyone seemed to be doing really well. After living so closely with all of these people for a year I got to know many of them very closely and I had a renewed faith in the tradition and hope for the future when I saw all of my friends steadying their minds and working hard to make themselves and the world a better place.
On fathers day I walked out to "the sound of music hill" and called my dad. We talked for a while and on my way in I tried to describe the scene. I am not going to take the time to do so again right now but one day I want to be able to write a description of a scene that conveys the beauty and the majesty that I see and feel.
The next day after lunch Madhavi Sharma the famous Indian Actress and I began talking about Thai Yoga Therapy. She had never done it and was interested. I offered to show her some stuff and we set an appointment. This, for me, was the first step into my new career working with the rich and famous. In the year that I was working in the kitchen at the Himalayan Institute I had thought many times that it was silly how we treated Madhavi so lavishly. Always making special meals and deserts and things. When preparing for the session I had to think about how I was going to think about what I was doing. To work with someone who commands so many resources both socially and materially is a great opportunity for me. There is a trap here. If I want to live well traveling the world studying things that interest me and raise a family at the same time I need to have money. Going into the session with that in mind would distract me from my work and prevent me from helping to my full potential. The profession is all about being selfless in a way for a short period of time. If I am to work with the rich and famous it will be because I am talented and useful. I acknowledged all of this and cleared my mind of attachment and striving. I approached her as if she was anybody else, as if I had nothing I could gain from the arrangement. We talked together for many hours through the session and had dinner together afterwards. She was surprisingly cool and interesting. I guess you don't become famous unless you have some personality. I had never thought about whether she was a yogi or not. I guess I unconsciously assumed that she was not. When she asked for a moment to concentrate and brought her mind to peace to deal with the pain of deep work I was surprised. The quality of her muscles changed instantly and she had no pain response. The next time she did it I decided to test her. I was working on her leg when we paused about 3 seconds for her to concentrate and again the muscle changed quality. What I did next I can not say I am proud of but I can admit that it is typical of myself. I pressed on her leg much harder then I needed to. To the point that she should have been screaming. There was no response, neither in her face nor in the leg. We traded contact info and stories. I wish I could go into the stories but I think it would be an invasion of privacy.
I spent that night at Carrie and Mark's with the kids. I woke up just before Carrie gave Jason permission to jump on me. We had a nice morning and drive to I-84 where they left me to continue on to an amusement park.
I sat at the gas station for a while and read before walking down to the entrance ramp. I fell asleep by the side of the road because there was so little traffic or noise. The air was cool and the clouds covered the sun. It was the perfect day for hitch hiking. After I ate lunch I decided that I was more likely to catch a ride walking down the interstate. I walked for about 2 hours when a big white cargo van pulled over. I ran up to it, getting close enough to notice two bumper stickers. "Free Tibet" and "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty". When I through my stuff in the side door and climbed up front, smiling. John asked where I was going. "Connecticut" "Oh, well I am going to Massachusetts" he said. "Actually" I said "I am going to Massachusetts too!" I could not have hoped to get a ride straight to Mass but John was going to a town about 15 miles North of Northampton! He was going to do a 10 day vipasana retreat. We talked the whole time until he dropped me off 5 minutes from my new apartment. Carlos picked me up at the exit and took me home. We talked for a bit and then went to a Capoeira class. The instructor, Joe, is a really cool guy and offered a trade. I will be training with him in exchange for TYT! I like the feel of Northampton so far. I haven't explored much yet. I have been settling into my room and organizing my mind. Now that I am caught up to date I am going to have lunch and go walk the town!
When we got to Queens we met with Bisc1 and had some coffee. The rehearsal was great fun. As Bisc and Broke shouted to an invisible crowd of Canadians I smiled gleefully and played along with their hooks. "When I say ___, you say ___." They ran through the set twice which allowed me to see both how much planing goes into a hip hop show and how much spontaneity. Then we hopped in the car headed towards Toronto. After about an hour I decided to plan ahead. I looked at the map to see exactly where they were going to drop me off and when we would get there so a friend could pick me up. The only thing was that we were not going through Albany as planned. The route took us through Scranton PA instead. I could deal with that. They dropped me off at a closed bagel shop in Dixon City. I called up Jon and Maureen and asked if I could stay at their place. I didn't get an answer but I figured that I might as well head that direction. I got my barrings and started walking towards Honesdale. I got about 8 miles when someone yelled at me from out their big truck. "You want a cookie?" They were going to fast for me to actually understand them. Shortly there after I came across The Jamaican Junction. "Sweet, Rastas. I can hang with them for a minute." I thought. When I walked in I didn't see any Jamaicans, only 3 dudes and a dudeette. The guys where all giants and where very openly attracted to the smaller fit younger woman who was working the shop. They were surprised to see me. "You want a cookie!" they started laughing. We sat around and smoked from the hookah and bullshit for a while. When they were ready to go they offered a ride. "But you have to lay down in the back, and when we switch trucks their is a topper." I was slightly disappointed they were not leaving me with the girl, but I wasn't going to turn down a ride. We turned down a dirt road and started up the mountain. They were trying to scare me. They were a playful bunch. When we switched trucks I squeezed into a half full 3/4 bed with a flat topper. First thing I did was to figure out how to escape in case the exhaust started to asphyxiate me. I relaxed into the situation and we hummed down the road. When we arrived they told me to "Jump out of the truck". All of their friends were on the porch and got a big kick out of it. "Don't you know your not supposed to pick up hitch hikers! What if he is a serial killer!" Said James' wife. There was allot of discussion among the girls their about me and how it was bad that I was their. Meanwhile James was fixing me a burger with BBQ sauce and mayo. Two burgers and 2 cookies later Jon came to pick me up. I had made it to only about 15 min away from the Himalayan Institute. James gave me all kinds of fatherly advice when I left like "at least get some tennis shoes so you can run if you need to." His neighbor came out of his house when we were saying our good byes and looked at us real mean. James said it was because he was Puerto Rican. What do you expect in small town PA?
I woke up early the next morning to meditate. Right now the Himalayan Institute is doing a year long meditation vigil. For 16 hours each day there are always 2 people sitting and concentrating on the mahamritunjaya mantra. Jon and I went in at 8 to take the place of Dr. Carrie who was out of town. It was nice. I had not sat for an hour in months and the time went by faster then I expected. My concentration was weak to put it mildly. I have never been very good at concentration exercises and spend most of my meditations doing vipasasna which comes very naturally.
I spent most of my time at the Institute playing with Jon and Maureen's baby girl Tulsi. For pictures of her you can go to their blog. David H and I were the first guests to come to see Tulsi when she was born and I spent allot of time with her in her first months. She is now two years old didn't remember me. She has maybe the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. There really isn't much else to say. I also spent allot of time with Carrie and Mark's two boys Mathew and Jason. They are 11 and 9 now. Crystal who most of you know is my ex girlfriend and the only girl I can honestly say I was in love with is going to get married soon. Zach. the man she will be marrying seems to be a great guy. I didn't get to know him but he had a nice feel and look about him. Crystal and I didn't make time to really catch up but she seemed like she was doing really well. Almost everyone seemed to be doing really well. After living so closely with all of these people for a year I got to know many of them very closely and I had a renewed faith in the tradition and hope for the future when I saw all of my friends steadying their minds and working hard to make themselves and the world a better place.
On fathers day I walked out to "the sound of music hill" and called my dad. We talked for a while and on my way in I tried to describe the scene. I am not going to take the time to do so again right now but one day I want to be able to write a description of a scene that conveys the beauty and the majesty that I see and feel.
The next day after lunch Madhavi Sharma the famous Indian Actress and I began talking about Thai Yoga Therapy. She had never done it and was interested. I offered to show her some stuff and we set an appointment. This, for me, was the first step into my new career working with the rich and famous. In the year that I was working in the kitchen at the Himalayan Institute I had thought many times that it was silly how we treated Madhavi so lavishly. Always making special meals and deserts and things. When preparing for the session I had to think about how I was going to think about what I was doing. To work with someone who commands so many resources both socially and materially is a great opportunity for me. There is a trap here. If I want to live well traveling the world studying things that interest me and raise a family at the same time I need to have money. Going into the session with that in mind would distract me from my work and prevent me from helping to my full potential. The profession is all about being selfless in a way for a short period of time. If I am to work with the rich and famous it will be because I am talented and useful. I acknowledged all of this and cleared my mind of attachment and striving. I approached her as if she was anybody else, as if I had nothing I could gain from the arrangement. We talked together for many hours through the session and had dinner together afterwards. She was surprisingly cool and interesting. I guess you don't become famous unless you have some personality. I had never thought about whether she was a yogi or not. I guess I unconsciously assumed that she was not. When she asked for a moment to concentrate and brought her mind to peace to deal with the pain of deep work I was surprised. The quality of her muscles changed instantly and she had no pain response. The next time she did it I decided to test her. I was working on her leg when we paused about 3 seconds for her to concentrate and again the muscle changed quality. What I did next I can not say I am proud of but I can admit that it is typical of myself. I pressed on her leg much harder then I needed to. To the point that she should have been screaming. There was no response, neither in her face nor in the leg. We traded contact info and stories. I wish I could go into the stories but I think it would be an invasion of privacy.
I spent that night at Carrie and Mark's with the kids. I woke up just before Carrie gave Jason permission to jump on me. We had a nice morning and drive to I-84 where they left me to continue on to an amusement park.
I sat at the gas station for a while and read before walking down to the entrance ramp. I fell asleep by the side of the road because there was so little traffic or noise. The air was cool and the clouds covered the sun. It was the perfect day for hitch hiking. After I ate lunch I decided that I was more likely to catch a ride walking down the interstate. I walked for about 2 hours when a big white cargo van pulled over. I ran up to it, getting close enough to notice two bumper stickers. "Free Tibet" and "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty". When I through my stuff in the side door and climbed up front, smiling. John asked where I was going. "Connecticut" "Oh, well I am going to Massachusetts" he said. "Actually" I said "I am going to Massachusetts too!" I could not have hoped to get a ride straight to Mass but John was going to a town about 15 miles North of Northampton! He was going to do a 10 day vipasana retreat. We talked the whole time until he dropped me off 5 minutes from my new apartment. Carlos picked me up at the exit and took me home. We talked for a bit and then went to a Capoeira class. The instructor, Joe, is a really cool guy and offered a trade. I will be training with him in exchange for TYT! I like the feel of Northampton so far. I haven't explored much yet. I have been settling into my room and organizing my mind. Now that I am caught up to date I am going to have lunch and go walk the town!
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