All of the awful things you may have heard about Laos are completely unfounded...
Well, lets just say I like the place so far. The women are more beautiful then Thais, the western food is better (Bread!), the people speak English everywhere, and they tend to be friendlier... So far. Another thing, that I think would drive most of my friends nuts but is wonderful to me is the curfew. I don't know how it works exactly but at midnight you can stand on the street and hear... Quiet.
The feeling of Laos and Thailand are so distinctive that I have become very interested in the history of the area, much more so then from just experiencing Thailand. I went to a museum and as I walked through I read everything! Fascinating, to think how much I have missed by just browsing museums in the past. As I am not at all accustomed to standing and reading and looking, and walking and standing and... I got terribly tired by then end of 2 hours. Luckily as my interest was waning the hostess informed me they were closing for lunch.
So I didn't...
This just in! The woman sitting next to me just had a freak out!!! She was looking at some beautiful nature picture when all of a sudden the local picture folder opened only to be full of pornography... She was murmuring to herself so I looked over to see and was slightly amused, and looking intently... trying to figure out what was going on, of course. My first guess was that she was a professional photographer, then I looked at her... No. The Conservative dress and horrid look on her face quickly dispelled that idea! Just then she frantically started explaining, absolving herself of any responsibility for the images. I wonder if I was to nonchalant about the matter? Maybe I should have played along? I simply agreed with her guess that it was on the hard drive, at least I didn't make some allusion about hard drives... Anyway...
Yeah, Laos is nice. The shops here are a bit expensive, but the wood carvings and hill tribe art are some of the nicest I have ever seen. I was so close to buying one for Aunt Dee Dee, but it looked delicate, and the present I already got won't be broken upon return. I think I would like to go into the import/export business? I could get used to a life surrounded by the best "things" the world has to offer. A life mostly made of sitting around a shop talking with interesting people, interspersed occasionaly with traveling the world to find those things...
A little while ago I was with a friend wondering why she liked me. Sure, I am handsome and funny and intelligent and talented and... But so are so many other people, and some people much more then I, in some, or all of those areas. Then I remembered a poem. It's about a man who has nothing to offer, and sleeps to dream, and in his dream he became the most beloved consort. And the queen came to him, to love him for his dreams...
Dreaming for dreamers is like water for walkers,
A mirage suddenly appears,
when thirsty we are all asleep.
Like food at dinner
Sweet, sour, and bitter
dreams
we eat
and need them all.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Stupid stupid stupid.
Ok, everybody knows that I am the worst person in the world at planning. Lack of attention to details and lazyness being just a few of my weaknesses. I just sort of let things fall into place. Concerning my visa/passport things have not fallen into place very well. First I didn't get my educational visa, it was complicated to figure out, would have taken I don't know, maybe an hour. I just didn't have the time or patince. I waisted an entire day on a bus to find out when I got there something I could have known If I thought about it in the morning... my visa extentions are up. What does this mean you all must be wondering... maybe your thinking it means I have 3-7 days before they come find me, throw me in prison where I will get butt raped a few times before being exported out of the country for a large fee. Luckly it's not as bad as all that.
This is how it goes.
Ok week in review.
Lets quinten terintino this shit. (Dad: that means I will start at the end and work backwards)
I lay in bed a little drunk and and wondering why I went home alone?
Went to a small bar with good music and hot bartenders and fell in love with a lady boy. Hey, I am open minded, and I am in thailand after all... And if my friend didn't tell me I wouldn't have even known.
Compleatly trashed dancing on the back of a songthao with 8 of my friends watching and now understanding why I don't drink ;)
The ITM goodbye dinner was a night I will never forget and I am glad I didn't miss... I was late and I almost missed it. Rumors as to why flew about... One being I had a date with the King and I didn't want to disapoint him, I had to let him know in person, very gentely. Others were I did an astrological chart and before coming I had to appease the malaligned planets before hell rained upon the party. The truth may never be known.
In my room scrubing the inside of my head of all negitivity so that I could drink that night.
Graduation!
Retaking the written exam because they were going to fail me because the first time I wrote things like. Symptom of sen sumana blockage: "Life sucks".
I remember when Dad was doing a take home exam he wrote "cakes are square, Pie are round". Let this be a lesson. Bad example.
Pissed Off... I get upset maybe a few hours a year these days... This was it.
And for this I start at the beginning.
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool...
Well even before that...
And the lord said let there be light...
Too far back.
I have always been somewhat of a rebel, no? I have always had general distaste for the government, schools, religions, polite society. You know, "The world". Any hint of greed, dishonesty, or inequity and I want to burn the whole place to the ground. I have curbed this tendency tremendously as I have understood more about "the world". Still when it comes to my involvement in it I have always been distant. I have quit more then one job over moral disagreements because I have never been in need and have forced those who needed me to comply with my moral standards when I had the upper hand. Now I have nothing but desire, I want to be a masseur. First let me say how much I respect ITM and how thankful I am for the school and teachers. Now let me say that I have seen people get certificates for massage who were not at all qualified, my friend was offered lvl 2 certificate If he paid even though he did not attend but half of the course... This is not ITM, this is need and fear of need. Morality is a luxury because "the world" does not share our since of morality and it's sink or swim. I am a constant stream of jokes, why? I can live in the world as long as I don't give it legitimacy. If I always say, this is bullshit, not in a mean way but in a small funny way, it makes most people happy because some part of them remembers the truth in the delusion.
So, I was sitting, waiting... for my final review. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick, Bad Energy. That's ok, I am letting it pass, and it is getting stronger. By the time I go to see Kate I am ready to fight. Kate was surprised, she had never seen me serious, much less upset before. When she told me that I would fail if I didn't re due the exam, the exam that almost everyone cheated on, either by copying their neighbor or because the teachers would tell them the answers. I was pissed. I was being asked the most difficult thing I could imagine, in a fairly subtle form. To acknowledge that wanted a piece of paper, and that I would bow before the gods of society, not really because I needed to know the info. I could have used my books or anything to cheat the first time remember... I had to do it because those are the rules. Thinking about the stinky Russian guy with the personality of a log (he slept through almost every class for 2 weeks, that's if he stayed in class) that never helped a single student... Thinking that he got a level 5 teaching certificate. And I wouldn't get nothing after 3 months and allot of work! I was so close to telling Kate to shove her certificate up her ass! I thought about it all night. Studied for the exam so that my options were open and I wouldn't have to cheat if I decided to take it. Eventually I was day dreaming about Hindu mythology, mostly Shiva and destruction and anger and the self being separate... and the self being separate... Living as an ascetic apart from the world Shiva worships his wife, the creative force. Who is getting a certificate? Who is taking the test? What am I doing? I am worshiping the goddess. Wealth and truth have different forms but certainly they the same. The world that supports one of the most beautiful women I have met can not be bad if I worship beauty. Wow. I am still thinking in good and bad!?!?! Holy shit.
I apologised to Kate for my attitude, told her I was looking forward to taking the test, and tried to be super respectful for a couple of hours... How long could that really last though. Even my most profound respect shows like a clown at a funeral.
Now to the beginning of the week:
We had a one day meditation retreat, many of the students couldn't follow the basic guidelines. No talking (or at least whispering), no eating after noon, and a few others... Most of you know how little difficulty I would have with these things. It is quite fun that people here don't know me so I say things like "I can't shut up for 5 min, you expect me to be quite for a day!". Anyway, It was great, about 8 hours of meditation in 24 hours I have not been on a schedule like that for years! I will be going back for longer soon.
Long one huh? To long to edit me thinks. Sorry.
This is how it goes.
- Plane ticket to Vientien, the capital of Laos: $100.
- Late fee: $15.
- Lao Visa: $30
- Bus back: $30
- The privalige of staying in thailand up to 3 more months: Priceless.
Ok week in review.
Lets quinten terintino this shit. (Dad: that means I will start at the end and work backwards)
I lay in bed a little drunk and and wondering why I went home alone?
Went to a small bar with good music and hot bartenders and fell in love with a lady boy. Hey, I am open minded, and I am in thailand after all... And if my friend didn't tell me I wouldn't have even known.
Compleatly trashed dancing on the back of a songthao with 8 of my friends watching and now understanding why I don't drink ;)
The ITM goodbye dinner was a night I will never forget and I am glad I didn't miss... I was late and I almost missed it. Rumors as to why flew about... One being I had a date with the King and I didn't want to disapoint him, I had to let him know in person, very gentely. Others were I did an astrological chart and before coming I had to appease the malaligned planets before hell rained upon the party. The truth may never be known.
In my room scrubing the inside of my head of all negitivity so that I could drink that night.
Graduation!
Retaking the written exam because they were going to fail me because the first time I wrote things like. Symptom of sen sumana blockage: "Life sucks".
I remember when Dad was doing a take home exam he wrote "cakes are square, Pie are round". Let this be a lesson. Bad example.
Pissed Off... I get upset maybe a few hours a year these days... This was it.
And for this I start at the beginning.
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool...
Well even before that...
And the lord said let there be light...
Too far back.
I have always been somewhat of a rebel, no? I have always had general distaste for the government, schools, religions, polite society. You know, "The world". Any hint of greed, dishonesty, or inequity and I want to burn the whole place to the ground. I have curbed this tendency tremendously as I have understood more about "the world". Still when it comes to my involvement in it I have always been distant. I have quit more then one job over moral disagreements because I have never been in need and have forced those who needed me to comply with my moral standards when I had the upper hand. Now I have nothing but desire, I want to be a masseur. First let me say how much I respect ITM and how thankful I am for the school and teachers. Now let me say that I have seen people get certificates for massage who were not at all qualified, my friend was offered lvl 2 certificate If he paid even though he did not attend but half of the course... This is not ITM, this is need and fear of need. Morality is a luxury because "the world" does not share our since of morality and it's sink or swim. I am a constant stream of jokes, why? I can live in the world as long as I don't give it legitimacy. If I always say, this is bullshit, not in a mean way but in a small funny way, it makes most people happy because some part of them remembers the truth in the delusion.
So, I was sitting, waiting... for my final review. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick, Bad Energy. That's ok, I am letting it pass, and it is getting stronger. By the time I go to see Kate I am ready to fight. Kate was surprised, she had never seen me serious, much less upset before. When she told me that I would fail if I didn't re due the exam, the exam that almost everyone cheated on, either by copying their neighbor or because the teachers would tell them the answers. I was pissed. I was being asked the most difficult thing I could imagine, in a fairly subtle form. To acknowledge that wanted a piece of paper, and that I would bow before the gods of society, not really because I needed to know the info. I could have used my books or anything to cheat the first time remember... I had to do it because those are the rules. Thinking about the stinky Russian guy with the personality of a log (he slept through almost every class for 2 weeks, that's if he stayed in class) that never helped a single student... Thinking that he got a level 5 teaching certificate. And I wouldn't get nothing after 3 months and allot of work! I was so close to telling Kate to shove her certificate up her ass! I thought about it all night. Studied for the exam so that my options were open and I wouldn't have to cheat if I decided to take it. Eventually I was day dreaming about Hindu mythology, mostly Shiva and destruction and anger and the self being separate... and the self being separate... Living as an ascetic apart from the world Shiva worships his wife, the creative force. Who is getting a certificate? Who is taking the test? What am I doing? I am worshiping the goddess. Wealth and truth have different forms but certainly they the same. The world that supports one of the most beautiful women I have met can not be bad if I worship beauty. Wow. I am still thinking in good and bad!?!?! Holy shit.
I apologised to Kate for my attitude, told her I was looking forward to taking the test, and tried to be super respectful for a couple of hours... How long could that really last though. Even my most profound respect shows like a clown at a funeral.
Now to the beginning of the week:
We had a one day meditation retreat, many of the students couldn't follow the basic guidelines. No talking (or at least whispering), no eating after noon, and a few others... Most of you know how little difficulty I would have with these things. It is quite fun that people here don't know me so I say things like "I can't shut up for 5 min, you expect me to be quite for a day!". Anyway, It was great, about 8 hours of meditation in 24 hours I have not been on a schedule like that for years! I will be going back for longer soon.
Long one huh? To long to edit me thinks. Sorry.
Monday, March 24, 2008
1,2,3,4 Can I have a little more. 5,6,7,8910 I Love You
3 weeks ago I met a beautiful, sweet, innocent... girl. At the time I was super busy and I was disappointed I would not get to know her better. Long story short... She came back for lvl 2! She's a fundamentalist christian :( She is really cool! No sex before marriage :( She moved in with me! I hadn't slept with a girl I couldn't have sex with since high school... It was harder then I remembered. But it was a wonderful experience. Her story is one of the most interesting I think you could come up with. I have a terrible mind for details and for fear of having the wrong info in print I will be vague. Young life spent as a child of missionary's teaching Muslims. Kicked out of country by the secret police for being christian missionaries. Back to England, feeling totally out of place being the only professed christian in high school. Off to a mission in Africa. Developed an allergy to one of the immunizations. Spent 6 years in bed sick, paralyzed and blind for part. Full recovery. Come to Thailand! Fuckin Crazy...
My life has been totally overshadowed this week.
My life has been totally overshadowed this week.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Scarry
Today was the most frightening day of my course. Not only was it the first time ever giving massage to someone I did not know. I had to work with "the elderly". There was some question of who exactly was in the worst condition, An old man who hobbled in with a crutch on one arm and an assistant on the other, or an 88 y/o woman who looked at fist like she could die at any moment. I ended up with the old woman. I was terrified. I started at the feet as per usual, she was tight, and her toes were bent in ways I could not imagine possible unless I had seen it myself. Her thighs were thinner then my forearm and I could feel every bone distinctly. At first she was as afraid of me as I was of her I think. After about 15 min she started to relax and I stated to use a little more pressure... 30 min in she started talking. I freaked. I stopped. I called for a teacher. She was asking if I was single. This caused an uproar among the ITM'ers "Yes", "No", "6 I think"... I did not say anything. Afterwards I was totally comfortable. If she was trying to marry me off I certainly wasn't hurting her.
My next client was a 68 y/o woman who looked as healthy as a horse. I gave her med/strong pressure from the beginning and she was happy. She had some what high blood pressure so I couldn't do a few things, but I hope to be as healthy when I am 68! After the massage she gave me a 100B tip!
Tonight I love massage so much! It was a wonderful experience and I feel that the more I learn the more I will enjoy it!
My next client was a 68 y/o woman who looked as healthy as a horse. I gave her med/strong pressure from the beginning and she was happy. She had some what high blood pressure so I couldn't do a few things, but I hope to be as healthy when I am 68! After the massage she gave me a 100B tip!
Tonight I love massage so much! It was a wonderful experience and I feel that the more I learn the more I will enjoy it!
Monday, March 10, 2008
OMG WTF
It's been a while... in the last blog I don't know how I forgot to note the fire walking massage... It's an Old Lanna style massage where you dip your feet in oil, ketch them on fire and then give a massage with the hot oil. The demonstration was impressive. Two of us had the courage or whatever we needed to try it. I got a free leg hair removal treatment at the same time! There is a video I will post when I get a hold of it.
2 weeks ago was a week of not enough sleep. I remember it as a good week but I can not remember particulars. The weekend however was full of particulars! We went to a Lahu village to receive traditional massage and hang out together. The trip was a blast. I was listening to rap and emo on the ride there, a strange combo, but I was really into it and was dancing around and my friends thought I was drunk. Once we got to the village we had the option of walking to the complex we were staying at. I decided to run barefoot with my friend instead. I got fair cut on the bottom of my foot. I did not let it prevent me from hiking and playing though. I did let it prevent me from waking up to do yoga though :) The whole weekend was awesome. That night I had a half a beer and half a glass of wine, just enough alcohol to kill my already weak inhibitions. Instead of getting wild I sat at the campfire with my eyes closed. My friends who know me as a person who doesn't stop moving and joking around all had strong reactions. The responses varied from requests to teach meditation to concern. The concern varied of course depending on the issues of the concerned individual. One friend thinking that I was upset because a girl went off with another guy. I could not explain to him that not only did I not notice, but I did not care. It changes nothing in my life, I do not own my friends. Oh and of course the most common remedy to my state of peace and love was to drink more. I had set up my hammock away from the camp and was pleased to wake up in the morning with a friend who had crawled in while I was sleeping. The next morning I had an awesome massage and we went home after lunch.
The next week was the counter balance to the week before, no discipline. I hope I finally learned my lesson. I feel like a kid learning to drive a car. An attempt to merge into another lane becomes a crazy fishtail due to over steering. Partly due to my foot and partly for other reasons I did no yoga to speak of. On Thursday my friends drank the bar out of beer, I only had one bottle, but boy did I feel like shit for drinking, not sleeping AND not practicing. The next day was the Thai herb garden and cadaver lab! Wow. Dead bodies. A head hanging in 3 pieces connected only by scalp skin. The organs and muscles were interesting to be sure but it was the faces that intrigued me. The reminded something deep inside of me that I would die.
All last week I hung out with practically only one girl. I could write for hours about this as well but I will keep it short. She was an English girl, clever and beautiful. Even though I flirted with other girls I felt no sense of need and it was "all in fun". It was nice. She left this morning and this evening wrote an email that included "Missing you already!?! Well maybe not, but I did have a massage earlier and kinda of fell asleep woke up at a point where the lady was rocking back and forth and in my half awake state, I thought it was you!". It was nice to feel like I had a real relationship, even if it was only for a week. It is also nice to start a new week with no attachments.
Mike is now living in the next town over. It was so nice to have him to bring me back to my senses for the weekend. Debra asked "Mike is one of the biggest influences in your life?" Yeah, excepting family no one comes close to having the impact that Mike has had on my life. I think of being one with my experiences and those that I share experience with. Carrying both people and history with me not like luggage in a bag but like the food I eat. Seeing myself not only as a drop of a river collected from and flowing to the ocean, all one water. Seeing myself also as the plants and animals that grow and drink from the bank worn from the earth that is me. I can say the things but how can I talk about the action, the flowing the dance that I am? I have long ago realized the interconnection and oneness of nouns, but the oneness of verbs struck me. A continual loss of judgement and concurrent refinement of discrimination brings ever expanding acceptance of the human condition and awareness of myself. I could never do anything to repay the individuals in my life, maybe the best I can do is recognize the oneness of being and becoming. That is my worship of form and beauty. I have had some realization of emptiness, but it is gone, leaving a little peace in it's absence. How can the absence of an experience of a realization of absentness leave peace? Why is sleep refreshing? Goodnight.
2 weeks ago was a week of not enough sleep. I remember it as a good week but I can not remember particulars. The weekend however was full of particulars! We went to a Lahu village to receive traditional massage and hang out together. The trip was a blast. I was listening to rap and emo on the ride there, a strange combo, but I was really into it and was dancing around and my friends thought I was drunk. Once we got to the village we had the option of walking to the complex we were staying at. I decided to run barefoot with my friend instead. I got fair cut on the bottom of my foot. I did not let it prevent me from hiking and playing though. I did let it prevent me from waking up to do yoga though :) The whole weekend was awesome. That night I had a half a beer and half a glass of wine, just enough alcohol to kill my already weak inhibitions. Instead of getting wild I sat at the campfire with my eyes closed. My friends who know me as a person who doesn't stop moving and joking around all had strong reactions. The responses varied from requests to teach meditation to concern. The concern varied of course depending on the issues of the concerned individual. One friend thinking that I was upset because a girl went off with another guy. I could not explain to him that not only did I not notice, but I did not care. It changes nothing in my life, I do not own my friends. Oh and of course the most common remedy to my state of peace and love was to drink more. I had set up my hammock away from the camp and was pleased to wake up in the morning with a friend who had crawled in while I was sleeping. The next morning I had an awesome massage and we went home after lunch.
The next week was the counter balance to the week before, no discipline. I hope I finally learned my lesson. I feel like a kid learning to drive a car. An attempt to merge into another lane becomes a crazy fishtail due to over steering. Partly due to my foot and partly for other reasons I did no yoga to speak of. On Thursday my friends drank the bar out of beer, I only had one bottle, but boy did I feel like shit for drinking, not sleeping AND not practicing. The next day was the Thai herb garden and cadaver lab! Wow. Dead bodies. A head hanging in 3 pieces connected only by scalp skin. The organs and muscles were interesting to be sure but it was the faces that intrigued me. The reminded something deep inside of me that I would die.
All last week I hung out with practically only one girl. I could write for hours about this as well but I will keep it short. She was an English girl, clever and beautiful. Even though I flirted with other girls I felt no sense of need and it was "all in fun". It was nice. She left this morning and this evening wrote an email that included "Missing you already!?! Well maybe not, but I did have a massage earlier and kinda of fell asleep woke up at a point where the lady was rocking back and forth and in my half awake state, I thought it was you!". It was nice to feel like I had a real relationship, even if it was only for a week. It is also nice to start a new week with no attachments.
Mike is now living in the next town over. It was so nice to have him to bring me back to my senses for the weekend. Debra asked "Mike is one of the biggest influences in your life?" Yeah, excepting family no one comes close to having the impact that Mike has had on my life. I think of being one with my experiences and those that I share experience with. Carrying both people and history with me not like luggage in a bag but like the food I eat. Seeing myself not only as a drop of a river collected from and flowing to the ocean, all one water. Seeing myself also as the plants and animals that grow and drink from the bank worn from the earth that is me. I can say the things but how can I talk about the action, the flowing the dance that I am? I have long ago realized the interconnection and oneness of nouns, but the oneness of verbs struck me. A continual loss of judgement and concurrent refinement of discrimination brings ever expanding acceptance of the human condition and awareness of myself. I could never do anything to repay the individuals in my life, maybe the best I can do is recognize the oneness of being and becoming. That is my worship of form and beauty. I have had some realization of emptiness, but it is gone, leaving a little peace in it's absence. How can the absence of an experience of a realization of absentness leave peace? Why is sleep refreshing? Goodnight.
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