Nervous little schoolboy

I just got on the bus for my first day of school. I arrived at the bus stop far earlier then I needed to and was feeling very unsure by the time the bus finally arrived. Stepping onto the bus I offered the driver $10. "I can't make change" he said. My heart started racing. "What should I do?" followed by another "I can't make change" had me worried. I was already going to be late for orientation. I told him it was my first time using a Boulder bus and I should be getting a bus pass tomorrow. A small fib on both accounts. I used a bus from Denver to Boulder to get here and although I would gladly buy a bus pass tomorrow when I have proof I am a student I don't have the money for it yet. I will have some money soon though. Merrin and Mom and Dad are each going to give me a few dollars. And I am saving all I am not spending on school. Jaz and I have and will continue to be couch surfing until we find a suitable place to camp or a room in exchange for work or whatever. We have been garbage, table and dumpster diving 95% of our food. The other 5% comes from foraging for acorns and free food from places like food not bombs or other events.

Bus two: After school.
I caught a ride home from school and will probably be carpooling from now on. Even so I have the feeling that I will be getting allot of productive work done waiting for and riding buses, especially throughout the winter. Jaz and I have packed our bags and are heading to our new temporary home. We will be staying in our own room for the first time since MA.

I arrived at school a little late just in time to start the getting to know you exercise. As I looked around the room I felt somewhat alone. I searched for eye contact and a warm smile and found none. It was a young, attractive, liberal minded looking group. There were over 30 altogether I think. It's not that I didn't like the group. I liked them fine. I just felt uncomfortable and I was looking for Beniot or Kristen. Someone I could be friends with even before we meet.

While going through the long and tedious orientation process I began to muse over the differences between ITM Thailand and BCMT. The first thing that struck me was that we were in chairs. Secondly was that we were in rows facing the teacher. As I was writing the list I became depressed. When they said no piercings I thought of the Spanish punks and how much I loved them... I am not going to BCMT to enjoy an ITM kind of social environment. I have to face the fact that this is the USA and people get offended at my jokes (at lunch) and need a day to go over attendance rules and dress codes. I am not going to school here to have fun. I am going to get the best education available. I think I will get an exceptional education. The staff seems very competent and the facilities although somewhat sterile have an air of academia about them. And I think I will have fun. It is a massage school after all. Once we start touching each other I am sure everyone will loosen up a little.

Ketchup

Thumb wars!

Yee Haw!

Goodwill

Uncle

Let's start where I left off in MA. Quickly mentioning the Breathwork seminar at the Wild Cat with Kieth and Susan Iellamo. It was a pretty incredible experience. The form or the practice involves a breather and a sitter, the sitter being there to support the breather along their journey. First I was the sitter for my partner. I was amazed how powerfully my partner was effected. I took a vow of confidentiality so unfortunately I can't describe my sitting experience in detail, but I can say that it was beautiful and moving. Breathing was pretty crazy. First I started laughing and as I enjoyed the new sensations then when I heard someone crying I felt the pain in their voice and began crying with them for a few minutes but soon I was laughing again. I had been reading a book on Buddhist philosophy talking about the depths and heights of fictitious being and thinking about karmic theories I became dissatisfied with my experience and realized that although I was feeling really high my experience was conditioned by karma and soon enough I would find myself upset and caught up in the suffering of the world. About that time I had to pee, and realized that I could not stand without help. My sitter helped me outside and down the stairs. I could hardly walk but I suddenly had the irresistible urge to run. Running was incredible, I moved with awkward jerks until I had a perceptual shift which allowed me to move freely for a minute or so before returning to spazness. While peeing I watched the trees morph and and shimmer. The rest of the event was pretty timeless. There was a moment when I think I stopped breathing, vaguely aware of my sitter calling for Kieth. A moment of nothingness, a flash. In the flash I freaked out, grasping for something I remembered my mantra repeating it seemed so mundane and I let it go. The nothingness I think was probably just a loss of consciousness, the flash was certainly some kind of one pointedness. Next thing I know I am aware that we were supposed to stop and close the session. Afterward my mind was very raw and childish. I was trying to eat some snacks and ended up getting food all over my face, hands and cloths. My 2 of my motherly friends helped wipe me up as I stood there grinning like a fool. During the closing circle I thanked Kieth and Susan for having me as their guests. Kieth asked me to say something about my experience, with the laughing and all so I briefly said something about the highs and lows of fictitious being.

That was certainly the highlight of my later MA experience.
Merrin was in PA for Crystal's wedding so she came to visit Carlos in North Hampton and pick me up and bring me to FL. We stopped in NJ to pick up Jaz and stopped in WV to see mom and Jack. The Florida highlight was visiting Plant City for the first time in many many years.

I don't have a camera anymore. My old camera destroyed all of my Laos pictures and allot of my Thailand pictures :( These pictures are complements of Jaz.

Car ride with Merrin and Jaz

Sad prince.

I found my princess!

My best man.

Damon

Life is suffering.

I would like to write a more detailed account of the highlights from the past few months soon but for now I will skip to the current state of my life. Bob and I are in Black Mountain NC visiting Merrin. The school bus is in less then perfect working order and sitting in her driveway. It is doubtful that we will be able to continue the trip to Boulder CO but as of yet undecided. Jaz has moved to a community near Asheville and may not be coming to Boulder with me either. I will visit her on Saturday or Sunday and we will decide on the apropriate course. My Stafford loans for school will not cover even my full tuition and I have been denied additional student loans. I am sure I can beg the tuition money from my family but living expences will have to be free. I am feeling confident that I can excel in the chalenges ahead.

That is the basic structure of my life. Living within that structure I have been studying Buddhisim and living a semi-charmed life. There is a basic truth in (Theravada) Buddhism that life is inherently Dukkha (suffering), that all of the emotions are dukkha, and that pleasure is pleasure, pain is pain, and freedom is freedom. I have thought about this and vaugly agreed with it for some time but more and more I am understanding it in a more fundemental way. Even with the recognition that happyness is fleeting and unsubstantial I have lived with happyness as my goal. I have not come up with a better goal yet but no emotion can be worthy for pursuit. I would like to say that "self awareness" or "mindfullness" could be a worthy goal but I worry about being one of those mindless atomitons who repeate what they read and hear without understanding. If awareness can be a goal as an object in and of itself I have not found either the object itself nor the method that seems to lead towards it. I will continue my meditation practice and studies but I can still only report uncertinty.

I hope you are all doing well.

:D

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We're off like a herd of turtles.

Our journey begins. Jaz, Bob, Bernard and I are finally off toward Boulder CO where I will be spending a year in massage school.



Jaz and I left MA almost a month ago for a week in sunny Florida. One of my oldest and dearest friends, John Russel was getting married and I was in the wedding party. The wedding was beautiful. It was held in Sarasota at the renowned Marie Selby Botanical Gardens. While in Sarasota we stayed with Tim. One fiasco followed the next, enough so that I would prefer not to recount my stupidities. Even so I was very happy to be have the time with Tim. When Merrin drove back up to Asheville for her job interview (she did get the job and is happy with it) we accompanied her to Gainesville to visit Holt (My brother) and drove back to stay with my dad for a few days. That was the plan. The plan was formed on a whim, as always, and had many revisions before it started taking shape, as always.
It all started when I stunk up the back seat of Tim's car. I put a broken watermellon in the back seat and by the end of a hot Florida afternoon the juice that had soaked into the seat was beginning to smell something fierce. I smeared the seat with a full box of baking soda and needed Bob's shop vac to clean it up. I didn't make it on time but that's another story altogether. I had about 45 minutes to clean the car and leave to get to the wedding rehearsal on time. Somehow in the course of catching up Bob offered to move to Boulder CO with us and he and the bus would be ready to leave in a week from then. Yeah right.
I spent many of the days waiting for Bob to get ready at Marty's. Dad and Marty are both doing really well. The also have a guest, Loralea. Loralea is a 40ish year old woman with the spirit of a teenager. She spends her days playing with toys, helping Marty start a new business and hanging out with my dad. She is a blessing for both of them.
For the amount of time that I spent in FL I am disapointed with the number of my friends I saw. In the past two years of having a cell phone I have become almost dependent upon it for my social life. With out the ability to call and arrange plans I sortof gave up on trying to meet up with people. On the up side of that I spent alot of time at Marty's hanging out with Dad.
I am very happy for the time spent in Tampa/Sarasota but I am also glad to be moving again. I am amazed at the reception the bus gets. People are so happy to see us and very glad to give us their veggie oil. I will keep a blog for this month, at least until we get to Boulder CO.
Check us out at Bernardthebus.com. Jaz and I will be Jazzing up the site in a few days.

Until next time. :D