Life is magical, wonderful, horible, and scary.

3 hours of sitting later my mind was still racing.

I found myself all of a sudden with a tremendous amount of free time. As is per usual when I have free time I turn towards either rampant escapism or yoga. Since my life was already feeling fucked enough I choose the later.
Sunday I went to the Shambhala Center to sit. After 3 hours I had no more peace of mind then I did from from before. In fact, I was feeling more tumultuous then ever. I could not bare to look at my mind any longer so I got up and went dancing.
Monday was markedly better. After 3 hours I was finally starting to calm down, the 2 hours after that were of a normal level of distraction and in the final 2 hours, which were sitting listening to a teacher I was very calm and present.
For the rest of the week I sat for about 4 hours a day. My schedule went something like this:
7.30 the center opens and I would sit for an hour with a "group". There was usually only me and the time keeper though because people are afraid of the cold. Then I would move to a different room and continue until either my stomach or my bladder told me to get up. After eating I would take a break and walk around town and make any phone calls I wanted to make. Then I would sit until I needed to do something or whatever. That is the "typical" schedule, and as we all know, life is never typical. Every day something came up, something spectacular happened, something awful happened. Before going on I would like to point out the fact that awful, according to Webster, means both 1 Inspiring awe, and 3 extremely disagreeable... The connection according to a yogi (Peter Marchand?) that I have read lies in definition 2 which points to the connection between fear and reverence... fear and wonder.
I am not going to go into each day in any detail. Sometimes the magic of life can only be seen in from a distance, like the broad strokes of Monet, or the splashes of light and clouds in God's famous work, the sky. Other times the wonder can only be seen if you dive in, if you stay still, it's not just the devil in the details... The major factors of each situation are:
1 my confusion about life and my place in the world.
2 Fear, that ever present miser, the over prudent dog in The writings of Gibran.
3 NVC; It is not only the general structure of society but also the very structure of our thoughts that cause the immense suffering that the weak enjoy. Observing my mind under the microscope of Marshal Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and meditation is horrific. On Monday night, after 7 hours of sitting and an hour of Dharma talks I was feeling good, within seconds of talking on the phone with Jaz I was pissed off. A day of stabilizing my mind was destroyed when she told me she was changing her plans. Luckily I could see it happening and see more clearly. A quick note here that I am not yet trying to write in NVC, I think that I may end up doing that but I don't know the system enough to even try now. Speaking with it is hard enough.
4 Love and Compassion, When I am not overwhelmed by fear and confusion, when I am happy, I am filled with so much love. I see beauty everywhere, humor everywhere. When my hands have become incapable of opening a door or operating my jacket zipper I have to admit that it's funny. And I can't even begin to explain how watching the weary worn souls at the Carriage House, making jokes about being untouchable, is beautiful. "Did you see Jacks sign? 'You can spit on me for a quarter.'" Karuna in the Indian theory of emotions means both sadness and compassion. I think that even if I become a millionaire I would like to eat at homeless shelters regularly. Like the song "All the madmen" "I'm quite content there all as sane as me".
Friday night, after about 6 hours of sitting I was getting hungry. There was a food not bombs dinner so I proceeded in that direction. When I arrived there was no food, only a pack of mean drunks. When I walked up one of the drunks tried to haze me, the mind and social skills of the drunken homeless are easily dealt with if one posses even an iota of self confidence and grace. The drunk backed down and tried to become my friend. Simultaneously I was being flanked by a drunk from the right. Ready for pretty much anything I turned to see a very emotional man coming towards me. As soon as I looked at him he began crying. "I see angels everywhere, you were sent by god to take me!" I was confused and afraid but after a moment of evaluating the situation I realized that he was more confused and afraid then I was. I tried out my NVC skills and attempted to connect with his feelings and needs. He was feeling afraid and needed to find a safe place to be. Well I could certainly empathize with that. I asked him if he had a place to go and he said that he needed my help to get there. There is, in this scene, so much could be gleaned into the workings of the social mind of men. Scraped bare by drugs and desperation you can see that we are completely interdependent. How could I say no? I spent the next hour talking with him and trying to find a place for him to be safe or at least break down in peace. The house that he led me to had only one girl there, who was very busy and had very little interest in a drunk off the street. She gave me the phone number of her roommate who had told Jay that she would help. The roommate was going to be away for a while but told me about another house to try. Jay told me his feelings about the other house, he was feeling ashamed and love for the people there. I could not get more out of him. Nobody was home anyway... I had asked him earlier when discussing the topic of friends if he had friends in AA. He did. So when Jay began talking about needing to find some "blood and body". I decided to knock on a random door to ask if they could use the Internet to find a meeting. The kids were a little if'ed out but seemed like really nice people. There was a meeting within walking distance. When we arrived I thanked them for being there and told them that I was the son of Alcoholics and that I am very thankful for AA. The 'topic' of the meeting was a quote from the big book about stopping drinking being only the first step. I felt an odd sense of homeliness in the meeting. I could relate to their experiences both second hand from seeing it my whole life and first hand from not drinking but still being afflicted with "the disease". I am convinced that we all suffer from "the disease" and that dis ease is duhka or a dysfunctional center. Anyway when I left Jay was in a ball on the floor surrounded by concerned people. One thing that I have noted a few times in my life is that the only place I know that I can go when I am in trouble, the only place where I am sure that I will find open hearted people who will put their lives aside for the lives of others any time of the day or night, is AA. I could not have brought Jay to just any church, ashram, or meditation hall. Maybe if every time we spoke we said "Hi, I'm Daniel, and I am not perfect" We might find more love in the world?
Anyway afterwards I called my dad and cried as I talked and looked through trash cans for dinner. I continued to cry and feel completely fucked up until I found a ton of Mexican food in one of the last cans on Pearl St. If your trying not to drink HALT! Don't let yourself feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I have been feeling allot of these things lately, luckily my escapes are not as bad as drinking.
Lets talk about my problems shall we? Going back to the previous Tuesday night when I told Jaz that we couldn't continue our relationship. In my relationship with Jaz there are basically three things that I have large difficulties with. The first is open communication. When Jaz experiences anything unpleasant she stops all forms of communication. Often she will busy herself with a task so that she doesn't even look at at me. I have told her that if she starts hitting me and yelling at me that will be preferable to completely shutting down. The second issue is cleanliness. I have asked her to clean her clothing and she has promised me that she would but has not. It's disgusting. I am not intending to just complain about Jaz here, I am setting the scene for talking about myself. Some of you who have known me for a few years know that I have gone through my stages of both nil communication and uncleanliness. You might think that being able to relate so completely with both issues I would have more understanding and patience for Jaz. Basically what happens is I try to coax her into talking and cleaning for some time and then I get fed up and tell her to leave. The problems here are my noncommittal nature, and coercive thinking. Threatening to break up with her as a means to cause change. I can see myself doing these things but the harmful actions begin on unconscious and subconscious levels. By the time I become aware of them I have already done some hurtful things and my self image is committed to follow in the same way for various reasons. I can also see that the same sort of process happened at times in school which was my end of the problems that happened there.
On Wednesday, I was at the Library reading about kenisiology and reflecting on my life when I asked myself what would I want from a partner that I am not offered from Jaz when she is clean and happy? I could not think of any reasonable answers. I decided to go have lunch at the Carriage House and then hitch to Eldora and catch Jaz before getting off work to go hiking in the mountains. I thought about the idea that every organism and every mindstate has conditions in which it thrives and conditions in which it has to struggle. I realized that I have been forcing myself into conditions which my talents do not thrive and so I have not been able live with ease. Based on the persistence of many people who love me and only want the best for me I tried to live in a way which is not fitting to me. Jaz has followed me into the same. I decided to follow her as she pursued her truth, and maybe I could learn from that as well. The day that followed was magical, wonderful, horrible and scary.