I would like to write a more detailed account of the highlights from the past few months soon but for now I will skip to the current state of my life. Bob and I are in Black Mountain NC visiting Merrin. The school bus is in less then perfect working order and sitting in her driveway. It is doubtful that we will be able to continue the trip to Boulder CO but as of yet undecided. Jaz has moved to a community near Asheville and may not be coming to Boulder with me either. I will visit her on Saturday or Sunday and we will decide on the apropriate course. My Stafford loans for school will not cover even my full tuition and I have been denied additional student loans. I am sure I can beg the tuition money from my family but living expences will have to be free. I am feeling confident that I can excel in the chalenges ahead.
That is the basic structure of my life. Living within that structure I have been studying Buddhisim and living a semi-charmed life. There is a basic truth in (Theravada) Buddhism that life is inherently Dukkha (suffering), that all of the emotions are dukkha, and that pleasure is pleasure, pain is pain, and freedom is freedom. I have thought about this and vaugly agreed with it for some time but more and more I am understanding it in a more fundemental way. Even with the recognition that happyness is fleeting and unsubstantial I have lived with happyness as my goal. I have not come up with a better goal yet but no emotion can be worthy for pursuit. I would like to say that "self awareness" or "mindfullness" could be a worthy goal but I worry about being one of those mindless atomitons who repeate what they read and hear without understanding. If awareness can be a goal as an object in and of itself I have not found either the object itself nor the method that seems to lead towards it. I will continue my meditation practice and studies but I can still only report uncertinty.
I hope you are all doing well.
:D
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