Bladder/Large Intestine

Once I had been convinced that I had an extreme wood excess I did what I always do, I set myself wholly to bringing myself into greater balance. Through allot of meditation practices that were aimed at developing awareness of the conditions within myself that uphold my elemental state of being, and a few practices to guide myself into new uncharted territory I shifted my awareness in a fairly drastic way. The first thing that happened was my fire flew through the roof, my body was burning up and I became very emotional, I like the word passionate. I asked Sarah, my teacher and she affirmed my shift. Next I set towards balancing the fire and a few days later I was not sure what was going on exactly. I knew that metal and water issues were becoming predominate but I was not familiar enough with anything to know more. Awareness of the mantra that I had been initiated into had sprung full force into my mind and I found myself doing fairly extreme hatha yoga for the first time in a long while. The stars, I think, were aligned to cause some mischief. Monday night I had an appointment with a wonderful shiatsu practitioner named Beck Stephens. We talked about my emotional and physical focuses and then she focused on my Bladder and Large Intestine lines. Large Intestine is all about Letting Go. As for Bladder, Going with the flow. That night I had a break down. It was awful. I had not been spending much time with Jaz and the time we had been spending together was stressed and subsequently our relationship was doing poorly. She spent the night at a friends house and did not call me to let me know or anything but I knew. I was tremendously jealous. It was not so much that I thought that she was going to have sex with this guy and if she was that was not the big problem... The problem was that she was enjoying herself with someone else while we were hardly able to smile at each other half the time. I was furious. I couldn't sleep. I layed in 'bed' on the windiest night yet here in Boulder listening to the gusts threaten to tear my shelter apart and spread it across the park. Finally, reflecting on the fact that my thoughts were like a poison that I was drinking in hopes of improving my conditions I set my mind to a cure. Another hour later after many distractions well after 3pm I finally fell asleep. What I had come to, which is no difficult conclusion, is that it was out of love and my need for love that I was suffering. It is common rhetoric and almost trite, but when I could lead my heart from fear and anger to love of both myself and Jaz I fell asleep almost immediately upon arrival. The next day I tried to break up with Jaz, again, focusing on needing to let go. My peaceful realizations of the night before had vanished almost immediately once I saw Jaz. I ended up late for class because I wanted to talk to her, not only was I late but I left early because I could not concentrate on anything. As I tried to leave my teacher Ann, who is a wonderful lady, tried to persuade me to stay. Not without a little drama did I get to leave the class (I explained later to Ann and she expressed that she was just concerned because I was acting out of character). I skipped my next class, EK, which was although I respect the teacher, one of largest wastes of time I have participated in since high school (That's another story though) and went to talk with Jaz. I felt resolved enough to go to A&P and afterwards the next big thing hit. Erik, one of the roommates had found out that I had had sex in his room. I didn't think it was that big a deal or first of all I would not have done it and secondly if I had he would have never found out about it... but the facts were that I did and he did. He was furious, and he told me that he didn't want me coming back to the house anymore. I was furious, not at him, that was his right, but at myself and Jaz, who in addition to all of this had made a mess in the kitchen while she was making candles. After cleaning up the mess and refusing console from Kelsey we took off to the shelter. At this point I was was incredibly emotionally confused and in regards to all things I decided to take Dad's advice; "When you don't know what to do, don't do anything". I laid around for a little trying to be noncommittal when Liam called and asked if I was coming over to tutor him in A&P and Anatomiken... I went mostly just to have something else to think about and it was great. After I vented to him for a while we studied and I forgot about all of my problems.
Since I had no place to cook breakfast any longer Kelsy and Brooke, two of the other roommates from the house I was cooking at brought food to me for school. I thanked them for their kindness's and assured them that I would be fine. For the next few days it seemed like life would be returning to normal and everything would be OK. Then I received an email from Sarah that I had not turned in a portion of an assignment and although I had A's or B's in everything else in the class I might fail if I didn't turn it in. I turned it in immediately. After the insanely stupid written exam which took almost 2 hours to complete I went to talk to her about my possibility of failing. While waiting I watched a friend of mine, who had come to school claiming disabilities and who had been promised she would receive help, crying. No, she was balling, begging for "another way to show" that she knows the material. I became so angry that I was worried that I might become violent. I could hardly speak. When my Friend left Sarah assured me that she didn't think that I would fail, that I knew the material and that she did not think that I needed to retake the class. I sat and listened until she stopped speaking and told her "It is what it is. If I fail I will just leave and go to India." Later, I realised that that came from a very habitual part of myself that runs from all of my problems. Shortly there after I was informed by telephone that I had failed the class and not to come back for the final practical exam. I talked to student council about what I should do who suggested that I talk to Susan Carol. Susan informed me that not only did I fail the written portion of the class I also failed the professionalism portion of the class. I was then more confused then ever. Susan told me that I needed to clear it up with Sarah and that it was the teachers discretion to not allow me back into class. I called Sarah to ask to speak with her and later received a phone message telling me that I "obviously didn't care" about the class and that I had cheated on the final assignment. I felt both concerned and relieved. Concerned because I was confused about how communication and perception became so warped that she thought that I had "fabricated the tracking sheets" of the assignment and relieved because I thought that if I showed that it was not my handwriting and that I did not fabricate the tracking sheets then clearing up the misunderstanding would raise both my professionalism and written grades. When I spoke with Sarah on the phone however all of my hopes we dashed. In the conversation she told me that although she thought that I had cheated she did not grade my assignment in that light and that I failed anyway. One thing was cleared up, I have difficulty turning out work that I think is useless and despite my efforts, which were great, I produced lousy work. I have always been pretty transparent, that is why when I asked about my professionalism grade and was told that I am passive aggressive I was shocked. Next I tried to plead, I begged that she had no idea to what lengths I have tried to succeed in class and how much I have grown in order to have done all that I have. She replied "And that's another thing, you always underestimate me. You don't know how much I can see." That is pretty much the end of the story because I felt a complete lack of motivation at that point. I felt utterly dead inside, no hope, no rage, no sadness, nothing. The only thing left was to ask for a list of actions which she thought were unprofessional and to point out that she never once approached me about my professional attitude or appearance. The only thing she noted was that I sat still in class and meditated instead of listening to her lectures. I tried to explain that the only way that I could sit in class without getting distracted was to be still and keep my eyes closed and that I was listening to her "how else would I have done so well on the tests", and "I thought that it demonstrated that I was listening when I opened my eyes and contributed to class conversations when I had something relevant to say". I guess not.
After the call several friends tried to persuade me not to drop out. "You have to suffer though the first two quarters before you get to the good classes", and "We need people like you here to have some diversity and lighten the mood, they will work with you like they work with Oliver." I am not into suffering for a massage education, and I am not interested in fighting through school so that I can get a fancy piece of paper that says that I can do what I am already good at doing. I was slightly persuaded however until I asked about my teacher for Sweetish. When my friend said "let's just say I have never heard anything good about her." I gave up.

That is the beginning of the most tumultuous time in my life since high school.
To be Continued...