3 hours of sitting later my mind was still racing.
I found myself all of a sudden with a tremendous amount of free time. As is per usual when I have free time I turn towards either rampant escapism or yoga. Since my life was already feeling fucked enough I choose the later.
Sunday I went to the Shambhala Center to sit. After 3 hours I had no more peace of mind then I did from from before. In fact, I was feeling more tumultuous then ever. I could not bare to look at my mind any longer so I got up and went dancing.
Monday was markedly better. After 3 hours I was finally starting to calm down, the 2 hours after that were of a normal level of distraction and in the final 2 hours, which were sitting listening to a teacher I was very calm and present.
For the rest of the week I sat for about 4 hours a day. My schedule went something like this:
7.30 the center opens and I would sit for an hour with a "group". There was usually only me and the time keeper though because people are afraid of the cold. Then I would move to a different room and continue until either my stomach or my bladder told me to get up. After eating I would take a break and walk around town and make any phone calls I wanted to make. Then I would sit until I needed to do something or whatever. That is the "typical" schedule, and as we all know, life is never typical. Every day something came up, something spectacular happened, something awful happened. Before going on I would like to point out the fact that awful, according to Webster, means both 1 Inspiring awe, and 3 extremely disagreeable... The connection according to a yogi (Peter Marchand?) that I have read lies in definition 2 which points to the connection between fear and reverence... fear and wonder.
I am not going to go into each day in any detail. Sometimes the magic of life can only be seen in from a distance, like the broad strokes of Monet, or the splashes of light and clouds in God's famous work, the sky. Other times the wonder can only be seen if you dive in, if you stay still, it's not just the devil in the details... The major factors of each situation are:
1 my confusion about life and my place in the world.
2 Fear, that ever present miser, the over prudent dog in The writings of Gibran.
3 NVC; It is not only the general structure of society but also the very structure of our thoughts that cause the immense suffering that the weak enjoy. Observing my mind under the microscope of Marshal Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication and meditation is horrific. On Monday night, after 7 hours of sitting and an hour of Dharma talks I was feeling good, within seconds of talking on the phone with Jaz I was pissed off. A day of stabilizing my mind was destroyed when she told me she was changing her plans. Luckily I could see it happening and see more clearly. A quick note here that I am not yet trying to write in NVC, I think that I may end up doing that but I don't know the system enough to even try now. Speaking with it is hard enough.
4 Love and Compassion, When I am not overwhelmed by fear and confusion, when I am happy, I am filled with so much love. I see beauty everywhere, humor everywhere. When my hands have become incapable of opening a door or operating my jacket zipper I have to admit that it's funny. And I can't even begin to explain how watching the weary worn souls at the Carriage House, making jokes about being untouchable, is beautiful. "Did you see Jacks sign? 'You can spit on me for a quarter.'" Karuna in the Indian theory of emotions means both sadness and compassion. I think that even if I become a millionaire I would like to eat at homeless shelters regularly. Like the song "All the madmen" "I'm quite content there all as sane as me".
Friday night, after about 6 hours of sitting I was getting hungry. There was a food not bombs dinner so I proceeded in that direction. When I arrived there was no food, only a pack of mean drunks. When I walked up one of the drunks tried to haze me, the mind and social skills of the drunken homeless are easily dealt with if one posses even an iota of self confidence and grace. The drunk backed down and tried to become my friend. Simultaneously I was being flanked by a drunk from the right. Ready for pretty much anything I turned to see a very emotional man coming towards me. As soon as I looked at him he began crying. "I see angels everywhere, you were sent by god to take me!" I was confused and afraid but after a moment of evaluating the situation I realized that he was more confused and afraid then I was. I tried out my NVC skills and attempted to connect with his feelings and needs. He was feeling afraid and needed to find a safe place to be. Well I could certainly empathize with that. I asked him if he had a place to go and he said that he needed my help to get there. There is, in this scene, so much could be gleaned into the workings of the social mind of men. Scraped bare by drugs and desperation you can see that we are completely interdependent. How could I say no? I spent the next hour talking with him and trying to find a place for him to be safe or at least break down in peace. The house that he led me to had only one girl there, who was very busy and had very little interest in a drunk off the street. She gave me the phone number of her roommate who had told Jay that she would help. The roommate was going to be away for a while but told me about another house to try. Jay told me his feelings about the other house, he was feeling ashamed and love for the people there. I could not get more out of him. Nobody was home anyway... I had asked him earlier when discussing the topic of friends if he had friends in AA. He did. So when Jay began talking about needing to find some "blood and body". I decided to knock on a random door to ask if they could use the Internet to find a meeting. The kids were a little if'ed out but seemed like really nice people. There was a meeting within walking distance. When we arrived I thanked them for being there and told them that I was the son of Alcoholics and that I am very thankful for AA. The 'topic' of the meeting was a quote from the big book about stopping drinking being only the first step. I felt an odd sense of homeliness in the meeting. I could relate to their experiences both second hand from seeing it my whole life and first hand from not drinking but still being afflicted with "the disease". I am convinced that we all suffer from "the disease" and that dis ease is duhka or a dysfunctional center. Anyway when I left Jay was in a ball on the floor surrounded by concerned people. One thing that I have noted a few times in my life is that the only place I know that I can go when I am in trouble, the only place where I am sure that I will find open hearted people who will put their lives aside for the lives of others any time of the day or night, is AA. I could not have brought Jay to just any church, ashram, or meditation hall. Maybe if every time we spoke we said "Hi, I'm Daniel, and I am not perfect" We might find more love in the world?
Anyway afterwards I called my dad and cried as I talked and looked through trash cans for dinner. I continued to cry and feel completely fucked up until I found a ton of Mexican food in one of the last cans on Pearl St. If your trying not to drink HALT! Don't let yourself feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I have been feeling allot of these things lately, luckily my escapes are not as bad as drinking.
Lets talk about my problems shall we? Going back to the previous Tuesday night when I told Jaz that we couldn't continue our relationship. In my relationship with Jaz there are basically three things that I have large difficulties with. The first is open communication. When Jaz experiences anything unpleasant she stops all forms of communication. Often she will busy herself with a task so that she doesn't even look at at me. I have told her that if she starts hitting me and yelling at me that will be preferable to completely shutting down. The second issue is cleanliness. I have asked her to clean her clothing and she has promised me that she would but has not. It's disgusting. I am not intending to just complain about Jaz here, I am setting the scene for talking about myself. Some of you who have known me for a few years know that I have gone through my stages of both nil communication and uncleanliness. You might think that being able to relate so completely with both issues I would have more understanding and patience for Jaz. Basically what happens is I try to coax her into talking and cleaning for some time and then I get fed up and tell her to leave. The problems here are my noncommittal nature, and coercive thinking. Threatening to break up with her as a means to cause change. I can see myself doing these things but the harmful actions begin on unconscious and subconscious levels. By the time I become aware of them I have already done some hurtful things and my self image is committed to follow in the same way for various reasons. I can also see that the same sort of process happened at times in school which was my end of the problems that happened there.
On Wednesday, I was at the Library reading about kenisiology and reflecting on my life when I asked myself what would I want from a partner that I am not offered from Jaz when she is clean and happy? I could not think of any reasonable answers. I decided to go have lunch at the Carriage House and then hitch to Eldora and catch Jaz before getting off work to go hiking in the mountains. I thought about the idea that every organism and every mindstate has conditions in which it thrives and conditions in which it has to struggle. I realized that I have been forcing myself into conditions which my talents do not thrive and so I have not been able live with ease. Based on the persistence of many people who love me and only want the best for me I tried to live in a way which is not fitting to me. Jaz has followed me into the same. I decided to follow her as she pursued her truth, and maybe I could learn from that as well. The day that followed was magical, wonderful, horrible and scary.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Bladder/Large Intestine
Once I had been convinced that I had an extreme wood excess I did what I always do, I set myself wholly to bringing myself into greater balance. Through allot of meditation practices that were aimed at developing awareness of the conditions within myself that uphold my elemental state of being, and a few practices to guide myself into new uncharted territory I shifted my awareness in a fairly drastic way. The first thing that happened was my fire flew through the roof, my body was burning up and I became very emotional, I like the word passionate. I asked Sarah, my teacher and she affirmed my shift. Next I set towards balancing the fire and a few days later I was not sure what was going on exactly. I knew that metal and water issues were becoming predominate but I was not familiar enough with anything to know more. Awareness of the mantra that I had been initiated into had sprung full force into my mind and I found myself doing fairly extreme hatha yoga for the first time in a long while. The stars, I think, were aligned to cause some mischief. Monday night I had an appointment with a wonderful shiatsu practitioner named Beck Stephens. We talked about my emotional and physical focuses and then she focused on my Bladder and Large Intestine lines. Large Intestine is all about Letting Go. As for Bladder, Going with the flow. That night I had a break down. It was awful. I had not been spending much time with Jaz and the time we had been spending together was stressed and subsequently our relationship was doing poorly. She spent the night at a friends house and did not call me to let me know or anything but I knew. I was tremendously jealous. It was not so much that I thought that she was going to have sex with this guy and if she was that was not the big problem... The problem was that she was enjoying herself with someone else while we were hardly able to smile at each other half the time. I was furious. I couldn't sleep. I layed in 'bed' on the windiest night yet here in Boulder listening to the gusts threaten to tear my shelter apart and spread it across the park. Finally, reflecting on the fact that my thoughts were like a poison that I was drinking in hopes of improving my conditions I set my mind to a cure. Another hour later after many distractions well after 3pm I finally fell asleep. What I had come to, which is no difficult conclusion, is that it was out of love and my need for love that I was suffering. It is common rhetoric and almost trite, but when I could lead my heart from fear and anger to love of both myself and Jaz I fell asleep almost immediately upon arrival. The next day I tried to break up with Jaz, again, focusing on needing to let go. My peaceful realizations of the night before had vanished almost immediately once I saw Jaz. I ended up late for class because I wanted to talk to her, not only was I late but I left early because I could not concentrate on anything. As I tried to leave my teacher Ann, who is a wonderful lady, tried to persuade me to stay. Not without a little drama did I get to leave the class (I explained later to Ann and she expressed that she was just concerned because I was acting out of character). I skipped my next class, EK, which was although I respect the teacher, one of largest wastes of time I have participated in since high school (That's another story though) and went to talk with Jaz. I felt resolved enough to go to A&P and afterwards the next big thing hit. Erik, one of the roommates had found out that I had had sex in his room. I didn't think it was that big a deal or first of all I would not have done it and secondly if I had he would have never found out about it... but the facts were that I did and he did. He was furious, and he told me that he didn't want me coming back to the house anymore. I was furious, not at him, that was his right, but at myself and Jaz, who in addition to all of this had made a mess in the kitchen while she was making candles. After cleaning up the mess and refusing console from Kelsey we took off to the shelter. At this point I was was incredibly emotionally confused and in regards to all things I decided to take Dad's advice; "When you don't know what to do, don't do anything". I laid around for a little trying to be noncommittal when Liam called and asked if I was coming over to tutor him in A&P and Anatomiken... I went mostly just to have something else to think about and it was great. After I vented to him for a while we studied and I forgot about all of my problems.
Since I had no place to cook breakfast any longer Kelsy and Brooke, two of the other roommates from the house I was cooking at brought food to me for school. I thanked them for their kindness's and assured them that I would be fine. For the next few days it seemed like life would be returning to normal and everything would be OK. Then I received an email from Sarah that I had not turned in a portion of an assignment and although I had A's or B's in everything else in the class I might fail if I didn't turn it in. I turned it in immediately. After the insanely stupid written exam which took almost 2 hours to complete I went to talk to her about my possibility of failing. While waiting I watched a friend of mine, who had come to school claiming disabilities and who had been promised she would receive help, crying. No, she was balling, begging for "another way to show" that she knows the material. I became so angry that I was worried that I might become violent. I could hardly speak. When my Friend left Sarah assured me that she didn't think that I would fail, that I knew the material and that she did not think that I needed to retake the class. I sat and listened until she stopped speaking and told her "It is what it is. If I fail I will just leave and go to India." Later, I realised that that came from a very habitual part of myself that runs from all of my problems. Shortly there after I was informed by telephone that I had failed the class and not to come back for the final practical exam. I talked to student council about what I should do who suggested that I talk to Susan Carol. Susan informed me that not only did I fail the written portion of the class I also failed the professionalism portion of the class. I was then more confused then ever. Susan told me that I needed to clear it up with Sarah and that it was the teachers discretion to not allow me back into class. I called Sarah to ask to speak with her and later received a phone message telling me that I "obviously didn't care" about the class and that I had cheated on the final assignment. I felt both concerned and relieved. Concerned because I was confused about how communication and perception became so warped that she thought that I had "fabricated the tracking sheets" of the assignment and relieved because I thought that if I showed that it was not my handwriting and that I did not fabricate the tracking sheets then clearing up the misunderstanding would raise both my professionalism and written grades. When I spoke with Sarah on the phone however all of my hopes we dashed. In the conversation she told me that although she thought that I had cheated she did not grade my assignment in that light and that I failed anyway. One thing was cleared up, I have difficulty turning out work that I think is useless and despite my efforts, which were great, I produced lousy work. I have always been pretty transparent, that is why when I asked about my professionalism grade and was told that I am passive aggressive I was shocked. Next I tried to plead, I begged that she had no idea to what lengths I have tried to succeed in class and how much I have grown in order to have done all that I have. She replied "And that's another thing, you always underestimate me. You don't know how much I can see." That is pretty much the end of the story because I felt a complete lack of motivation at that point. I felt utterly dead inside, no hope, no rage, no sadness, nothing. The only thing left was to ask for a list of actions which she thought were unprofessional and to point out that she never once approached me about my professional attitude or appearance. The only thing she noted was that I sat still in class and meditated instead of listening to her lectures. I tried to explain that the only way that I could sit in class without getting distracted was to be still and keep my eyes closed and that I was listening to her "how else would I have done so well on the tests", and "I thought that it demonstrated that I was listening when I opened my eyes and contributed to class conversations when I had something relevant to say". I guess not.
After the call several friends tried to persuade me not to drop out. "You have to suffer though the first two quarters before you get to the good classes", and "We need people like you here to have some diversity and lighten the mood, they will work with you like they work with Oliver." I am not into suffering for a massage education, and I am not interested in fighting through school so that I can get a fancy piece of paper that says that I can do what I am already good at doing. I was slightly persuaded however until I asked about my teacher for Sweetish. When my friend said "let's just say I have never heard anything good about her." I gave up.
That is the beginning of the most tumultuous time in my life since high school.
To be Continued...
Since I had no place to cook breakfast any longer Kelsy and Brooke, two of the other roommates from the house I was cooking at brought food to me for school. I thanked them for their kindness's and assured them that I would be fine. For the next few days it seemed like life would be returning to normal and everything would be OK. Then I received an email from Sarah that I had not turned in a portion of an assignment and although I had A's or B's in everything else in the class I might fail if I didn't turn it in. I turned it in immediately. After the insanely stupid written exam which took almost 2 hours to complete I went to talk to her about my possibility of failing. While waiting I watched a friend of mine, who had come to school claiming disabilities and who had been promised she would receive help, crying. No, she was balling, begging for "another way to show" that she knows the material. I became so angry that I was worried that I might become violent. I could hardly speak. When my Friend left Sarah assured me that she didn't think that I would fail, that I knew the material and that she did not think that I needed to retake the class. I sat and listened until she stopped speaking and told her "It is what it is. If I fail I will just leave and go to India." Later, I realised that that came from a very habitual part of myself that runs from all of my problems. Shortly there after I was informed by telephone that I had failed the class and not to come back for the final practical exam. I talked to student council about what I should do who suggested that I talk to Susan Carol. Susan informed me that not only did I fail the written portion of the class I also failed the professionalism portion of the class. I was then more confused then ever. Susan told me that I needed to clear it up with Sarah and that it was the teachers discretion to not allow me back into class. I called Sarah to ask to speak with her and later received a phone message telling me that I "obviously didn't care" about the class and that I had cheated on the final assignment. I felt both concerned and relieved. Concerned because I was confused about how communication and perception became so warped that she thought that I had "fabricated the tracking sheets" of the assignment and relieved because I thought that if I showed that it was not my handwriting and that I did not fabricate the tracking sheets then clearing up the misunderstanding would raise both my professionalism and written grades. When I spoke with Sarah on the phone however all of my hopes we dashed. In the conversation she told me that although she thought that I had cheated she did not grade my assignment in that light and that I failed anyway. One thing was cleared up, I have difficulty turning out work that I think is useless and despite my efforts, which were great, I produced lousy work. I have always been pretty transparent, that is why when I asked about my professionalism grade and was told that I am passive aggressive I was shocked. Next I tried to plead, I begged that she had no idea to what lengths I have tried to succeed in class and how much I have grown in order to have done all that I have. She replied "And that's another thing, you always underestimate me. You don't know how much I can see." That is pretty much the end of the story because I felt a complete lack of motivation at that point. I felt utterly dead inside, no hope, no rage, no sadness, nothing. The only thing left was to ask for a list of actions which she thought were unprofessional and to point out that she never once approached me about my professional attitude or appearance. The only thing she noted was that I sat still in class and meditated instead of listening to her lectures. I tried to explain that the only way that I could sit in class without getting distracted was to be still and keep my eyes closed and that I was listening to her "how else would I have done so well on the tests", and "I thought that it demonstrated that I was listening when I opened my eyes and contributed to class conversations when I had something relevant to say". I guess not.
After the call several friends tried to persuade me not to drop out. "You have to suffer though the first two quarters before you get to the good classes", and "We need people like you here to have some diversity and lighten the mood, they will work with you like they work with Oliver." I am not into suffering for a massage education, and I am not interested in fighting through school so that I can get a fancy piece of paper that says that I can do what I am already good at doing. I was slightly persuaded however until I asked about my teacher for Sweetish. When my friend said "let's just say I have never heard anything good about her." I gave up.
That is the beginning of the most tumultuous time in my life since high school.
To be Continued...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
BCMT is basically massage boot camp. I have learned a tremendous amount in a short period of time and even more than that I have been busier then I have ever been in my life. Just after the first round of tests I realized that straight A's is not worth the stress that comes with it. One of my favorite girls here is a fourth quarter who should be graduating with honors if she doesn't die of a heart attack first. Maybe it was the dizzying load of new information, projects, and paper or maybe it was the freaked out atmosphere, but after the initial realization it still took a little while before I began to relax. I am trying to learn the balance between doing everything 100% and blowing it all off. I spoke with many older massage/TCM veterans and they all said "nobody is ever going to ask what grade you made in A&P". So how do I learn everything that is important to me without freaking out? The answer came in Shiatsu class when I made my first B. I can stuff my head full of volumes worth of information in a few days but somethings only come with time, and I am going to be doing this for a long time. I have started to reexamine my time here more as an introduction then as an exhaustive study.
About the time I began to relax I took a look in the mirror and decided that I needed a haircut. I decided to go back to the Mohawk. I guess I was feeling a little angsty. Anyway, I went to class the next day and one of my teachers flipped out. She said if I didn't cut the mohawk I would not be allowed back in class. Then the administration told me that if I didn't cut it I wouldn't be allowed back to school. I was a little pissed off so I wrote them a letter. I gave a copy to all of the teachers who were involved, the dean, student council and passed a few around to my classmates and teachers. It was a fun day.
"My formal response to the events of 11/19 and 11/20/08.
To whom it may concern,
I will express my apology to anyone who was or will be offended by either my hair or this letter. Through diverse experience every person comes to their own understanding of and has their own reactions to the world, and every person is valid in that. I have no need to change anyone, upset anyone, or in any way harm anyone. I understand that you have strong beliefs and convictions and that they are most likely different then mine. I value every persons individuality and have a profound respect for the causal factors that shape the human mind. I hope only that we find peace and joy both together and within ourselves.
The first official response I received in regards to my new hairstyle on Wednesday was a very emotional Michelle saying "What exactly are you trying to say?". I could have made any number of responses that would have felt honest and smart, but with respect to Michelle and her institutional position I decided to keep it polite. She clarified that although there are no rules about mohawks there were rules about "professional appearance," and that if I didn't cut it I would not be allowed back in class. I tried to make a compromise which was not looking very hopeful. Later in a meeting with Carrol I found out that "many" teachers had come to her with their complaints and that I would have to cut my hair before coming back to school.
Before I make a statement of belief and conviction about my choice of hair styles I am going to critique the institution and it's members who are in charge of the the decision to make me cut my hair. This is not intended to cause change, it comes from my need to express myself in writing as I am forbidden to express myself in dress and conduct. The first argument I have is that of the completely subjective nature of the rule in question. In my mind if dreadlocks and tattoos are considered professional then a mohawk should be just fine. If it is based on a matter of cleanliness then a mohawk is almost definitely cleaner. If it's based on ideological statements then mohawks and dreads should be equally offensive or acceptable. I don't believe that there is any clear line or reason that could be given that would make this decision objectively rational. The second issue is the manner in which the situation has been handled. I want to express respect for Michelle for relating to me in person. The emotional nature of her wording, tone and demeanor was slightly offensive but such is life. I understand that the teachers who complained about me without ever talking with we are acting as impersonal cogs in the machine, I have no respect for that mind-state but also have no anger towards it either. As for the administration, Carrol was very respectful in her demeanor but I think an ultimatum of expulsion as a first response to such a benign offense is ridiculous. The whole thing seems to be blown way out of proportion. If someone had a nice calm talk to me about professional appearance and the schools collective views on mohawks and maybe "reminded" me that I am graded on professionalism I would have shaven my head without more then a little venting to my friends. The treatment I have received has offended me on a few levels most of all I do not think that I have been treated as a mature adult.
In response to Michelle and anyone who silently wondered what exactly I was trying to say. In Hinduism there is a story about the great teacher (true self), the truth and the establishment. As an instrument of creation the establishment had prospered and done many great things and was having a great party in honor of itself. Every aspect of reality was invited except for the great teacher and the truth. The cosmic trickster went to the truth and told her about it. When the truth showed up at the party she was ridiculed for marrying the great teacher and told to leave. She threw herself into the fire because she was the worldly daughter of the establishment and refused to stay in the world in that form. When the great teacher felt what happened he became very angry and created a great hero to destroy the party.
I have a strong and religious dislike and distrust of institutions. I understand their role in the world and have a tempered respect for all created things. Institutions naturally arise from the principle of order and they are a powerful and beautiful creative forces. At the same time they cause people to take themselves to seriously and can blind us to the beauty of the simple truth that lives free from the concerns of the world. I came to BCMT for a quality education and I am receiving all that I could have asked for. I did not come to adopt a forced and stressful way of life. When I became wrapped in the illusion of importance I needed a reminder of my values. I thought a mohawk would be a just right.
Daniel Clough"
I know you are all dying to take a look at my shelter... So here it is!
To get to the shelter you have to go off trail over a fallen down tree. It's totally Robin Hood.
...and there's Robin Hood!
He hasn't shit for days...
Is that toilet paper you have there? Yes?
I Love You.
About the time I began to relax I took a look in the mirror and decided that I needed a haircut. I decided to go back to the Mohawk. I guess I was feeling a little angsty. Anyway, I went to class the next day and one of my teachers flipped out. She said if I didn't cut the mohawk I would not be allowed back in class. Then the administration told me that if I didn't cut it I wouldn't be allowed back to school. I was a little pissed off so I wrote them a letter. I gave a copy to all of the teachers who were involved, the dean, student council and passed a few around to my classmates and teachers. It was a fun day.
"My formal response to the events of 11/19 and 11/20/08.
To whom it may concern,
I will express my apology to anyone who was or will be offended by either my hair or this letter. Through diverse experience every person comes to their own understanding of and has their own reactions to the world, and every person is valid in that. I have no need to change anyone, upset anyone, or in any way harm anyone. I understand that you have strong beliefs and convictions and that they are most likely different then mine. I value every persons individuality and have a profound respect for the causal factors that shape the human mind. I hope only that we find peace and joy both together and within ourselves.
The first official response I received in regards to my new hairstyle on Wednesday was a very emotional Michelle saying "What exactly are you trying to say?". I could have made any number of responses that would have felt honest and smart, but with respect to Michelle and her institutional position I decided to keep it polite. She clarified that although there are no rules about mohawks there were rules about "professional appearance," and that if I didn't cut it I would not be allowed back in class. I tried to make a compromise which was not looking very hopeful. Later in a meeting with Carrol I found out that "many" teachers had come to her with their complaints and that I would have to cut my hair before coming back to school.
Before I make a statement of belief and conviction about my choice of hair styles I am going to critique the institution and it's members who are in charge of the the decision to make me cut my hair. This is not intended to cause change, it comes from my need to express myself in writing as I am forbidden to express myself in dress and conduct. The first argument I have is that of the completely subjective nature of the rule in question. In my mind if dreadlocks and tattoos are considered professional then a mohawk should be just fine. If it is based on a matter of cleanliness then a mohawk is almost definitely cleaner. If it's based on ideological statements then mohawks and dreads should be equally offensive or acceptable. I don't believe that there is any clear line or reason that could be given that would make this decision objectively rational. The second issue is the manner in which the situation has been handled. I want to express respect for Michelle for relating to me in person. The emotional nature of her wording, tone and demeanor was slightly offensive but such is life. I understand that the teachers who complained about me without ever talking with we are acting as impersonal cogs in the machine, I have no respect for that mind-state but also have no anger towards it either. As for the administration, Carrol was very respectful in her demeanor but I think an ultimatum of expulsion as a first response to such a benign offense is ridiculous. The whole thing seems to be blown way out of proportion. If someone had a nice calm talk to me about professional appearance and the schools collective views on mohawks and maybe "reminded" me that I am graded on professionalism I would have shaven my head without more then a little venting to my friends. The treatment I have received has offended me on a few levels most of all I do not think that I have been treated as a mature adult.
In response to Michelle and anyone who silently wondered what exactly I was trying to say. In Hinduism there is a story about the great teacher (true self), the truth and the establishment. As an instrument of creation the establishment had prospered and done many great things and was having a great party in honor of itself. Every aspect of reality was invited except for the great teacher and the truth. The cosmic trickster went to the truth and told her about it. When the truth showed up at the party she was ridiculed for marrying the great teacher and told to leave. She threw herself into the fire because she was the worldly daughter of the establishment and refused to stay in the world in that form. When the great teacher felt what happened he became very angry and created a great hero to destroy the party.
I have a strong and religious dislike and distrust of institutions. I understand their role in the world and have a tempered respect for all created things. Institutions naturally arise from the principle of order and they are a powerful and beautiful creative forces. At the same time they cause people to take themselves to seriously and can blind us to the beauty of the simple truth that lives free from the concerns of the world. I came to BCMT for a quality education and I am receiving all that I could have asked for. I did not come to adopt a forced and stressful way of life. When I became wrapped in the illusion of importance I needed a reminder of my values. I thought a mohawk would be a just right.
Daniel Clough"
I know you are all dying to take a look at my shelter... So here it is!
To get to the shelter you have to go off trail over a fallen down tree. It's totally Robin Hood.
...and there's Robin Hood!
He hasn't shit for days...
Is that toilet paper you have there? Yes?
I Love You.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Time is relative
One of my least favorite quotes of all time is "Time is money.".
Time is life.
It has been a mere 12 days since my last post but it seems like it has been forever ago. Every day flies by so fast. One of my teachers said we were already on week 4 of the program! We are in testing times... as in we just had our A&P test last week and this week we have both Shiatsu and Anatomiken. I got 100% on my A&P test and plan to get the same on all of my tests. I am learning what I need to do to be happy and productive in school. Still loving all but one of my classes. My respect for my teachers here has done nothing but grown, and I have even found a niche in the student social order.
My role in social life is one of giving. It feels really good. My best friend here right now is a beautiful 6' tall free spirit. I go to her place every morning and cook for her (Kelsey) and her roommates. The 5 of us eat together and joke and listen to music and then we go to school. If I made extra I bring it and give it out at school. Our food is 90% dumpstered and they offer me the 10% since I cook and clean for B-fast and lunch. It works out well for everyone. Last week there was a young Dutch woman staying there and she gave me the greatest complement. "You could be European". Speaking of being, I still don't feel at home. Last night I went to a comedy show and since we got home late and Kelsey was away I decided to crash in her bed for the night. I didn't think of the eventuality of being woken up buy 4 half dressed fully drunken people. I thought it was pretty great at the time but it stirred some conflict in myself. I decided to go down and watch the party for a bit. When 2 friends ran off to have sex it was like watering my little seeds of discontent. I hung out with Jessy (a big attractive really drunk guy) and Sarah (a cute girl) while Jessy told me everything from the fact that he hated me asked me why I hated him, to the fact that I am a freak, to the fact that he respected me for how I handled my space and that he couldn't control me. The first statement I think has little significance and was accompanied by a fib about a gift I gave to him being a poor gift. The second statement highlights the fact that I don't really fit in. The third is part and parcel with the second. Anyway, after he passed out I asked Sarah if she wanted to cuddle with me, which she didn't, and I went off to bed. Leading to the discontent I was talking about. I feel alone on many levels. The persona I chose here is going to be great for getting work done but not one which will likely lead to sexual affairs. I choose this very intentionally so that I don't get distracted from school but it's difficult none the less. Other levels of intimacy are being quelled by calling family and friends more often.
Speaking of family. I just had a great conversation with Merrin. In the last part we talked about change. I have realized that although I have changed the superficial aspects of myself many times in many ways there are parts of myself that have hardly changed or not changed at all in my life. This is an important thought for me because change has always been a major focus of my life. We also spoke of priorities and the difference between "setting" priorities and observing priorities. I have previously mentioned that I am not really believing in a free will a such so much. In the A&P world apparently there is a big debate about what "controls" cells. It has been traditionally held that the nucleus controls the cell but now people are saying that the cell membrane controls the cell... Where is the self of the cell? Can I say that "I" am the self of the cell? Excepting mitochondria it is my DNA after all is it not? (did you know that the "power plant" of your cells is not even made of your DNA?) What's my point? I don't know.
Time is life.
It has been a mere 12 days since my last post but it seems like it has been forever ago. Every day flies by so fast. One of my teachers said we were already on week 4 of the program! We are in testing times... as in we just had our A&P test last week and this week we have both Shiatsu and Anatomiken. I got 100% on my A&P test and plan to get the same on all of my tests. I am learning what I need to do to be happy and productive in school. Still loving all but one of my classes. My respect for my teachers here has done nothing but grown, and I have even found a niche in the student social order.
My role in social life is one of giving. It feels really good. My best friend here right now is a beautiful 6' tall free spirit. I go to her place every morning and cook for her (Kelsey) and her roommates. The 5 of us eat together and joke and listen to music and then we go to school. If I made extra I bring it and give it out at school. Our food is 90% dumpstered and they offer me the 10% since I cook and clean for B-fast and lunch. It works out well for everyone. Last week there was a young Dutch woman staying there and she gave me the greatest complement. "You could be European". Speaking of being, I still don't feel at home. Last night I went to a comedy show and since we got home late and Kelsey was away I decided to crash in her bed for the night. I didn't think of the eventuality of being woken up buy 4 half dressed fully drunken people. I thought it was pretty great at the time but it stirred some conflict in myself. I decided to go down and watch the party for a bit. When 2 friends ran off to have sex it was like watering my little seeds of discontent. I hung out with Jessy (a big attractive really drunk guy) and Sarah (a cute girl) while Jessy told me everything from the fact that he hated me asked me why I hated him, to the fact that I am a freak, to the fact that he respected me for how I handled my space and that he couldn't control me. The first statement I think has little significance and was accompanied by a fib about a gift I gave to him being a poor gift. The second statement highlights the fact that I don't really fit in. The third is part and parcel with the second. Anyway, after he passed out I asked Sarah if she wanted to cuddle with me, which she didn't, and I went off to bed. Leading to the discontent I was talking about. I feel alone on many levels. The persona I chose here is going to be great for getting work done but not one which will likely lead to sexual affairs. I choose this very intentionally so that I don't get distracted from school but it's difficult none the less. Other levels of intimacy are being quelled by calling family and friends more often.
Speaking of family. I just had a great conversation with Merrin. In the last part we talked about change. I have realized that although I have changed the superficial aspects of myself many times in many ways there are parts of myself that have hardly changed or not changed at all in my life. This is an important thought for me because change has always been a major focus of my life. We also spoke of priorities and the difference between "setting" priorities and observing priorities. I have previously mentioned that I am not really believing in a free will a such so much. In the A&P world apparently there is a big debate about what "controls" cells. It has been traditionally held that the nucleus controls the cell but now people are saying that the cell membrane controls the cell... Where is the self of the cell? Can I say that "I" am the self of the cell? Excepting mitochondria it is my DNA after all is it not? (did you know that the "power plant" of your cells is not even made of your DNA?) What's my point? I don't know.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Peace and blessings manifest
Peace and blessings manifest with every lesson learned,
If your knowledge were your wealth then it will be well earned.
-Erykah Badu
What a day. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "what were the 8 functions of an organism?" Went through them in my head, and thought about some more A&P as I drifted back to sleep...
Woke again around 5.30 to cook and stretch and what not before leaving on my bike at 7.00 to make it to the social services dept. by 8.00. I took off like a bat out of hell with a feeling of being on top of the world. That was until I realized that I could not shift gears. Then in a panic I realized that my breaks were also frozen solid... That's where I put my foot down! I won't go into all the details but my breaks were terribly problematic the whole morning. I was starting to feel as if the whole world was against me when Erykah popped into my head my entire attitude shifted and immediately afterwards I met a nice epileptic man on the side of the road and had a nice chat about his son in WA and daughter in After many delays I made it to be the first in line for food stamps. I was very pleased to find that they had bad coffee waiting for me.
The woman that helped me was not a very happy woman, and she explained to me why I could not get food stamps but I insisted on going through with the process. Since then I have found out how I can get food stamps and I am happy I choose to do the whole process. "The process" as I am affectionately calling it ended up taking about 45 minutes which meant that if I didn't get a car ride to school I would be over 30 minutes late and be counted absent. Luckily Eileen gave me a ride making us both only 15 minutes late costing only 2% of my grade... With my bad timing I am wondering if that will be the sole reason I don't get A's? I apologized to my shiatsu teacher for being late and told her I would learn to be on time. Class was great. We started off playing with Chi, I haven't done much of that in years but my sensitivity came back immediately. Very fun. The rest of the school day was kinda whatever.
My after school chore was scouting a good place to squat. I think I found an awesome spot! More on that to come.
Lastly, I asked a guy for directions and ended up riding with him for a mile or so which led to a long conversation about practice and philosophy. I won't go into details but it was cool how it all happened.
If your knowledge were your wealth then it will be well earned.
-Erykah Badu
What a day. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "what were the 8 functions of an organism?" Went through them in my head, and thought about some more A&P as I drifted back to sleep...
Woke again around 5.30 to cook and stretch and what not before leaving on my bike at 7.00 to make it to the social services dept. by 8.00. I took off like a bat out of hell with a feeling of being on top of the world. That was until I realized that I could not shift gears. Then in a panic I realized that my breaks were also frozen solid... That's where I put my foot down! I won't go into all the details but my breaks were terribly problematic the whole morning. I was starting to feel as if the whole world was against me when Erykah popped into my head my entire attitude shifted and immediately afterwards I met a nice epileptic man on the side of the road and had a nice chat about his son in WA and daughter in After many delays I made it to be the first in line for food stamps. I was very pleased to find that they had bad coffee waiting for me.
The woman that helped me was not a very happy woman, and she explained to me why I could not get food stamps but I insisted on going through with the process. Since then I have found out how I can get food stamps and I am happy I choose to do the whole process. "The process" as I am affectionately calling it ended up taking about 45 minutes which meant that if I didn't get a car ride to school I would be over 30 minutes late and be counted absent. Luckily Eileen gave me a ride making us both only 15 minutes late costing only 2% of my grade... With my bad timing I am wondering if that will be the sole reason I don't get A's? I apologized to my shiatsu teacher for being late and told her I would learn to be on time. Class was great. We started off playing with Chi, I haven't done much of that in years but my sensitivity came back immediately. Very fun. The rest of the school day was kinda whatever.
My after school chore was scouting a good place to squat. I think I found an awesome spot! More on that to come.
Lastly, I asked a guy for directions and ended up riding with him for a mile or so which led to a long conversation about practice and philosophy. I won't go into details but it was cool how it all happened.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Fortunate Friday.
Everyday in shiatsu we have a "student of the day". Since people were reluctant to volunteer I put myself out there. Yesterday was my big day. In the morning I still didn't know what I was going to do, something to do with yoga... My first thought was to stand on my head for 5 minutes but in the days since I volunteered I have heard allot of ignorant talk about yoga that standing on my head might encourage. My next idea was to give a talk on what yoga is, but that seemed to boring. I asked Eileen and she suggested that I teach the sun salutations. Thinking that everyone must know the sun salutations I decided to do a round and talk about yoga in pose. I started out saying that yoga is not about the body and then into hatha or "forceful" yoga. I was nervous and thought I did a really poor job when Sarah F the teacher asked me if I would lead the class in a round. I did and still felt like I did a terrible job. Afterwards 3 people gave me high fives and several people thanked me. Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.
I am starting to feel comfortable working on the table and excited to learn a little Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)
Fridays are great, I only have one class!
After class I met one of the Kenyan Olympic team massage therapists. He was a very nice. I asked him if I could do an internship with the Kenyan team and he gave me his contact info both here and in Kenya. It sounds like I can do some volunteer work with them and figure it out from there. What a cool idea!
Our conversation was cut short because I had a massage. As a student I get $15 student massages! It's not quite as good as a professional massage but it's definitely good. There were also a few unexpected benefits. He talked to me about different muscles and helped me understand where they were, and his teacher came in and I got to listen to her sort of 1 on 1 lesson with him. Besides that she also worked on me a little, and helped me understand what's up with my back.
Due to yoga I have allot of mobility, which is good and much to the dismay of Jacob I can also take a tremendous amount of pressure. She said I need orthopedic massage to help my alignment. I felt awesome afterward!
My bike ride home was great! My posture was so different that I fell like I need to readjust my bike to fit the new posture!
Speaking of bikes... I am doing the Community Cycles "earn a bike program". I put in 10 hours and they will give me a frame and parts to work on! I should get my new frame today! I am bringing in some treats today as well so that I get extra help working on my bike! Thanks for the tip Dad, and you thought I never learned anything from you!
Next I went to Shambala to sit. I only had about 30 min but it I felt some nice emotional releases.
I am starting to feel comfortable working on the table and excited to learn a little Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)
Fridays are great, I only have one class!
After class I met one of the Kenyan Olympic team massage therapists. He was a very nice. I asked him if I could do an internship with the Kenyan team and he gave me his contact info both here and in Kenya. It sounds like I can do some volunteer work with them and figure it out from there. What a cool idea!
Our conversation was cut short because I had a massage. As a student I get $15 student massages! It's not quite as good as a professional massage but it's definitely good. There were also a few unexpected benefits. He talked to me about different muscles and helped me understand where they were, and his teacher came in and I got to listen to her sort of 1 on 1 lesson with him. Besides that she also worked on me a little, and helped me understand what's up with my back.
Due to yoga I have allot of mobility, which is good and much to the dismay of Jacob I can also take a tremendous amount of pressure. She said I need orthopedic massage to help my alignment. I felt awesome afterward!
My bike ride home was great! My posture was so different that I fell like I need to readjust my bike to fit the new posture!
Speaking of bikes... I am doing the Community Cycles "earn a bike program". I put in 10 hours and they will give me a frame and parts to work on! I should get my new frame today! I am bringing in some treats today as well so that I get extra help working on my bike! Thanks for the tip Dad, and you thought I never learned anything from you!
Next I went to Shambala to sit. I only had about 30 min but it I felt some nice emotional releases.
Bad Dream
I was just over sleeping a little and having a very strange dream with Mom and Merrin in it when Merrin called and said "I don't have any time to talk but I wanted to call and say I love you."
The dream was first that I was camping with two other people, the kind of dream morphous people that are sortof Bob but sortof Dad... I accidently left something at the camp site with a reporter from a forign land who didn't speak much english. We left without my knowing we were going too. I felt guilty both for leaving the thing and for leaving the guy without saying good bye, but I didn't stop us from leaving. Later we were stoped and they were looking for the thing, I went out side and they pulled off. I walked around the corner to the bookstore coffee shop they moved to when I saw a man harrasing people with swords in the parking lot on the other side of a fence. I got his attention and he tried to threaten me. I wasn't afraid so he asked me if I was afraid of him. I told him I knew who he was and he tried to threaten me one more time before breaking into dance. I danced with him and everyone started to dance. I danced into the bookstore, into the cafe where I stopped. The casheir asked if I wanted something and I said someing to excuse myself from buying anything. Dad/Bob and merrin were there.
Next thing I know I am on a road with a little girl/Merrin and another Crazy guy. The crazy walks into the road and stops that lane stops at first and then they go around him. He is mad at the road. He starts yelling at a walker about it and they tell him that it was his Idea to "do the 2 lane road" and he said "Oh, yeah" and calmed down. I didn't know what they were talking about, we were on a three lane road so it must have been something else influensing that road. We climbed up a hill and found Mom. Details get fuzzy but we are at an airport disscusing how Merrin and I can get there easily in the futrure. Mom starts dangeling herself on the pipe that hangs over a ~30 foot drop. If I was doing it, which I would as a child but not any more I would feel safe but I thought about how odd it was for Mom and felt unsafe. Then a little girl touched her shirt and she started to wobble and got sacred. I freaked out. I grabed a hold of her legs with a hug. I wondered if I should be doing that for 2 reasons. 1 I would be more safe without help and 2 it makes getting off more complicated. That's when Merrin called.
The dream was first that I was camping with two other people, the kind of dream morphous people that are sortof Bob but sortof Dad... I accidently left something at the camp site with a reporter from a forign land who didn't speak much english. We left without my knowing we were going too. I felt guilty both for leaving the thing and for leaving the guy without saying good bye, but I didn't stop us from leaving. Later we were stoped and they were looking for the thing, I went out side and they pulled off. I walked around the corner to the bookstore coffee shop they moved to when I saw a man harrasing people with swords in the parking lot on the other side of a fence. I got his attention and he tried to threaten me. I wasn't afraid so he asked me if I was afraid of him. I told him I knew who he was and he tried to threaten me one more time before breaking into dance. I danced with him and everyone started to dance. I danced into the bookstore, into the cafe where I stopped. The casheir asked if I wanted something and I said someing to excuse myself from buying anything. Dad/Bob and merrin were there.
Next thing I know I am on a road with a little girl/Merrin and another Crazy guy. The crazy walks into the road and stops that lane stops at first and then they go around him. He is mad at the road. He starts yelling at a walker about it and they tell him that it was his Idea to "do the 2 lane road" and he said "Oh, yeah" and calmed down. I didn't know what they were talking about, we were on a three lane road so it must have been something else influensing that road. We climbed up a hill and found Mom. Details get fuzzy but we are at an airport disscusing how Merrin and I can get there easily in the futrure. Mom starts dangeling herself on the pipe that hangs over a ~30 foot drop. If I was doing it, which I would as a child but not any more I would feel safe but I thought about how odd it was for Mom and felt unsafe. Then a little girl touched her shirt and she started to wobble and got sacred. I freaked out. I grabed a hold of her legs with a hug. I wondered if I should be doing that for 2 reasons. 1 I would be more safe without help and 2 it makes getting off more complicated. That's when Merrin called.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
