I have never had a jornal. I guess that is what this blog is. An open jornal there are things in life that we want everyone to know, and things in life we don't want to admit even to ourselves. I don't like it when people don't like me. I imagine that is a pretty universal human characteristic. I especially don't like it if I don't know exactly why they don't like me. If I know why I can change if I don't like that part of me, or I can let it go. Not knowing I feel lost and helpless. Today I woke up and checking the time on my phone noticed 6 missed calls from Jane. I sms'ed her this morning to ask whats up. Yesterday she stopped replying to my sms's after lunch. Lunch must have been awkward, everybody was telling her to take me to her room so that we could "exercise" before I left. I didn't encourage this. She got more and more distant from me until I decided to go somewhere else. I needed an excuse so I said I would go to lunch. She convinced me to eat there and brought food for us both. Then she decided not to eat with me, so I sat outside and ate alone. Then I found out I couldn't catch the bus... I mentioned that. Anyway this morning she responded to my sms calling me a "LOSER"... A little childish. I don't mind if she doesn't want to sleep with me. I don't even mind if she doesn't want to be my friend, that's life I know I won't get along with everyone. Usually in the past when someone didn't like me I could look at our interactions and point out a reason. Here I can find no good reason. I can think of a couple reasons that would imply malicious intent or acting out of fear of liking me and me leaving... but any reason that does not divide blame to both parties is almost always the wrong answer. Anyway like Sor has said many times "No drama mate". I cannot be bothered. I can't think of a single time when I thought "Yes, getting myself involved with that drama was a good idea!". Sometimes involvement is necessary to arrive at an end, but not often. In my mind and in my life I find suffering best left to dissolve by it's own transitory nature rather then by my effort. The simple solution is to continue with the flow of action, trying to behave the best I know how, and staying out of negative mind states.
So where has the flow of life taken me this morning? To the coffee shop for Bfast where I was asked by the owners to copy my music onto their computer. The other highlight of the day was a good conversation with a profesor from England about psycology and the social sciences. Now I am in the photo studio of the coffee shop's owners sister. Nice place with Aircon and everything!
BTW. I decided I would rather take a plane home. Here's the math.
Bus: 16hours and 30 bucks. $1.88 per hr .53 hours per $
Plane: 4 hours and 120 bucks. $30 per hr .03 hours per $
If I take the plane I am only paying $7.50 for each hour hour not in transport taking out the $30 I have to pay either way.
P.S. There has been some confusion about how long I am staying... I will be coming back as scheduled on the 24th of April. Merrin's graduation will be the first time both my mother and fathers side of the family will all be in one place. I would be the biggest ass hole in the world if I didn't show up.
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4 comments:
RE: being an asshole means you think you are being perceived... this day isnt about you... its about merrin. and then dad and mom... its not all about you daniel. its not all about you.
I'm not sure I understood a lot of your post. Whats this "exercise" business all about? I've known a lot of whores my friend. None of them wanted to be known as such.
Go to this girl and apologize. For you or for your friends or hers or for whoever. For her. You may not have encouraged this but not discouraging is just as wrong.
Umm... It IS all about me. :)
Like Sor said "here it's not like your country, we can touch eachother and be naughty and it's all right". Basicly he said the same thing that my french friends were always joking about. Americans are prudes. What they were saying was not far out of line, and it was certinly not my place to impose "American" social mores. Of course unwanted sexual talk is not good anywhere. The question was why the change from unwanted to wanted. I think I found the answer the next night.
Did you learn erotic or sensual massage techniques in your class?
Where would one learn that in the Tampa Bay area?
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