Another day in paradise

In the sleepy little town of Vientiane nothing ever happens, or so it seems... Yet somehow I have had more fun here, meet more people and see more in one and a half days then I did in a week in Thailand.

Upon awakening my first goal of the day was to rent a bike. Easy enough, but within 30 min it had already broken twice. I was fairly upset, still smiling and cheerful but I could feel something deep inside saying "FUCK! FUCK! DAMN SHIT ASS BITCH MUTHER FUCKIN FUCK FUCK..." I just felt it and let it go. I got lost on the way to return the bike the first time, and some nice car mechanics who fixed the bike for free. The second time it broke I was thoroughly lost, but I was able prevent it from jamming to badly and with some effort I fixed it myself. When it happened I was in front of a large monument with no English explanation. I took a picture of it and thought "Check". Then I laughed out loud.
I found that nothing in life really matters, then I wanted to kill myself, then I was afraid of pain, and death, so I decided to try to make life bearable. That was, what? Age 16? One of the things I came up with more recently was to act like everyone else, to see if that helps. People like to go to monuments and take pictures of them right? I always thought it rather silly... "Check, OK, mission accomplished, what else can I do to fill the deep hole in my heart? to fill the time?" I could imagine them thinking. Maybe there is more to life then this...
Like I mentioned last blog I now feel a desire to go and see these monuments. This is distinctly new. I have enjoyed my traveling, enjoyed seeing beautiful things, but desire to see beautiful things was not really there. I just knew what I needed to do to stay happy and unfortunately I often moved from place to place to run from more then to run to. The past little while I have felt less of a desire to move. I was very content at the Himalayan Institute for many many months, a completely new feeling. I left mostly because I said I would on a day when I was filled with restless discontent, but days like that were few and far between. At the time I felt the need to keep my word to be stronger then my attachment to the high level of comfort I had settled into. The other main factor was a a fear that the comfort was changing into ungratefulness. Last time I was in Sarasota I had adopted the attitude and appearance of one who was just passing through . Leaving came from a need to keep up appearances as anything else.

I was talking to Mike the other day.
I said I have done life backwards. First I wanted freedom (moksha). Then I wanted pleasure (kama). Only now can I see the value of things (artha). My desire was simple I wanted food, sex, sleep and safety. Every thing else was arbitrary. The devil was in the details, and I could live with or without the details. Recently I met a woman who upon first meeting asked to look at my hand. "Wow, your a very simple person" she said. Over the past few years I have started to understand the complexity I see in other people. A complexity I tried to mirror for the purpose of "fitting in".

So, I went to see a temple that has a pillar with the Buddha's breastbone in it. It was a nice temple, but I was expecting fire works. I did not know where the bone was and managed to find it by feel, but the feeling was like that of any holy object, not what I would expect from an object made with a man who is compared to Jesus... I was much more impressed with the Jar I saw at the museum. I walked up to it and was blown away, I wanted to die and jump in. Apparently there is a field of these jars filled with human remains. I hope to go. Oh, and there was an old linga in the museum. These objects struck me like a ton of bricks... I felt what maybe an innate human need to connect with something timeless. Or at least reach into time beyond my tiny existence. Now I am rambling...

Out of my head and back to my life. At the Buddha temple I ate with some nice Laotians. By now I have discovered that English maybe more prevalent (then in Thailand), but by no means common. I was flirting with one of the girls at the table next to me and was invited to drink with them. I thought long and hard about it, not really wanting to drink, but wanting company. The group was comprised of 2 lesbos, a really cute/nice boy, an attractive English speaking girl, the girl I was flirting with and her best friend. We were soon joined by Ching, a cool gay/bi guy who was trying to pick me up, or set me up with the girl of my choosing. Tink had the most beautiful eyes, the kind of eyes you don't find on a girl your likely to seduce over lunch... Indeed, she was wearing a wedding ring her mother had given to her, and wanted to introduce me to her father before going out. After I expressed my fear of meeting her father she moved to the other side of the table. :(

Time to move on.