This is how it goes.
- Plane ticket to Vientien, the capital of Laos: $100.
- Late fee: $15.
- Lao Visa: $30
- Bus back: $30
- The privalige of staying in thailand up to 3 more months: Priceless.
Ok week in review.
Lets quinten terintino this shit. (Dad: that means I will start at the end and work backwards)
I lay in bed a little drunk and and wondering why I went home alone?
Went to a small bar with good music and hot bartenders and fell in love with a lady boy. Hey, I am open minded, and I am in thailand after all... And if my friend didn't tell me I wouldn't have even known.
Compleatly trashed dancing on the back of a songthao with 8 of my friends watching and now understanding why I don't drink ;)
The ITM goodbye dinner was a night I will never forget and I am glad I didn't miss... I was late and I almost missed it. Rumors as to why flew about... One being I had a date with the King and I didn't want to disapoint him, I had to let him know in person, very gentely. Others were I did an astrological chart and before coming I had to appease the malaligned planets before hell rained upon the party. The truth may never be known.
In my room scrubing the inside of my head of all negitivity so that I could drink that night.
Graduation!
Retaking the written exam because they were going to fail me because the first time I wrote things like. Symptom of sen sumana blockage: "Life sucks".
I remember when Dad was doing a take home exam he wrote "cakes are square, Pie are round". Let this be a lesson. Bad example.
Pissed Off... I get upset maybe a few hours a year these days... This was it.
And for this I start at the beginning.
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool...
Well even before that...
And the lord said let there be light...
Too far back.
I have always been somewhat of a rebel, no? I have always had general distaste for the government, schools, religions, polite society. You know, "The world". Any hint of greed, dishonesty, or inequity and I want to burn the whole place to the ground. I have curbed this tendency tremendously as I have understood more about "the world". Still when it comes to my involvement in it I have always been distant. I have quit more then one job over moral disagreements because I have never been in need and have forced those who needed me to comply with my moral standards when I had the upper hand. Now I have nothing but desire, I want to be a masseur. First let me say how much I respect ITM and how thankful I am for the school and teachers. Now let me say that I have seen people get certificates for massage who were not at all qualified, my friend was offered lvl 2 certificate If he paid even though he did not attend but half of the course... This is not ITM, this is need and fear of need. Morality is a luxury because "the world" does not share our since of morality and it's sink or swim. I am a constant stream of jokes, why? I can live in the world as long as I don't give it legitimacy. If I always say, this is bullshit, not in a mean way but in a small funny way, it makes most people happy because some part of them remembers the truth in the delusion.
So, I was sitting, waiting... for my final review. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick, Bad Energy. That's ok, I am letting it pass, and it is getting stronger. By the time I go to see Kate I am ready to fight. Kate was surprised, she had never seen me serious, much less upset before. When she told me that I would fail if I didn't re due the exam, the exam that almost everyone cheated on, either by copying their neighbor or because the teachers would tell them the answers. I was pissed. I was being asked the most difficult thing I could imagine, in a fairly subtle form. To acknowledge that wanted a piece of paper, and that I would bow before the gods of society, not really because I needed to know the info. I could have used my books or anything to cheat the first time remember... I had to do it because those are the rules. Thinking about the stinky Russian guy with the personality of a log (he slept through almost every class for 2 weeks, that's if he stayed in class) that never helped a single student... Thinking that he got a level 5 teaching certificate. And I wouldn't get nothing after 3 months and allot of work! I was so close to telling Kate to shove her certificate up her ass! I thought about it all night. Studied for the exam so that my options were open and I wouldn't have to cheat if I decided to take it. Eventually I was day dreaming about Hindu mythology, mostly Shiva and destruction and anger and the self being separate... and the self being separate... Living as an ascetic apart from the world Shiva worships his wife, the creative force. Who is getting a certificate? Who is taking the test? What am I doing? I am worshiping the goddess. Wealth and truth have different forms but certainly they the same. The world that supports one of the most beautiful women I have met can not be bad if I worship beauty. Wow. I am still thinking in good and bad!?!?! Holy shit.
I apologised to Kate for my attitude, told her I was looking forward to taking the test, and tried to be super respectful for a couple of hours... How long could that really last though. Even my most profound respect shows like a clown at a funeral.
Now to the beginning of the week:
We had a one day meditation retreat, many of the students couldn't follow the basic guidelines. No talking (or at least whispering), no eating after noon, and a few others... Most of you know how little difficulty I would have with these things. It is quite fun that people here don't know me so I say things like "I can't shut up for 5 min, you expect me to be quite for a day!". Anyway, It was great, about 8 hours of meditation in 24 hours I have not been on a schedule like that for years! I will be going back for longer soon.
Long one huh? To long to edit me thinks. Sorry.
3 comments:
Daniel! Have you thought about going to India, not Laos! You're a wannabe Hindu, remember? Get on that long boat, sillypants! You can come back to Thailand later, can't you?
Theres no indians in india.
I had dreamt of exploring mountains with a sexy/spiritual native american girl high on peyote but I dont know anyone like that. The most spiritual person that I know is you.
I dont know if you know about mountaineering or hunting or living the land but you know the spirit and where it can take us. I dream of getting back to nature and living in harmony if even for a short period of time in the wilderness living free.
Dont you understand?! I want to feel powerful and peaceful and not feel like a man in a sea of men trying to reach the top of an unknown obstacle but just a creature that is living to live.
Well what do you think?
You're right, I don't know anything about living off the land. I do however know about living as a creature that is "just living". I also know how it is to live in the sea of men trying to reach that unknown goal, or overcome that unknown obstacle. And at the hights and depths of life I have know the resolution of these opposites, briefly and dimly. I often look at the trees and for just a moment I join them on that plane, sometimes I marvel at the simplisity of there being, sometimes I ask for guidence, sometimes I want to shout at people "the trees are alive too!". I wouldn't actualy say that, people would think I was crazy! I also want to feel powerful and peaceful. Is that the goal that creates the obstacle that I fight to overcome?
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