Family

If home is where the heart is then my heart is spread across the globe. Ben just got back to France, Mike is still in SE Asia, FL F&F (Friends and Family), John in PA... I could fill a whole blogspot with a list of people that I think about regularly and where they are living now. But the Largest parts of my life, the most complete home I have resided in for years was in a little cottage in Black Mountain NC for the past 3 days. At first I was upset because 3 of the party couldn't make it. Once we all got there however it turned out well and I was happy for the time I had with each person. All together it was Bud (dad), Mary Frances (mom), Jack (step brother), Holt (ditto), Merrin (sister), Nevada (Jack's Daughter) and I (me). On Thursday Dad and I drove up together. The trip was good, but less then perfect. Dad had no complaints but I thought that my attitude was slightly shitty. I behaved myself well enough but I didn't keep my thoughts well in order. The root of the problem was that I could not release my attachment to dad's health. He can hardly walk, he can't bend over to tie his shoes. his breathing is labored, he now has diabetes, and takes a handful of pills every day for everything from gout to blood pressure. Not to mention that his mental faculties are slipping a little, not so much but a little there is more scary then allot of fat. All of this can be fairly easily traced to poor body/mind maintenance. Example A: When we lived together I saw him go 3 days eating nothing but donuts and drinking nothing but coffee, no kidding. Example B: His Idea of exercises is getting out of bed. Well the point of this is not to condemn him. I find no right for moral indignation, it is his life and he is not hurting anyone but himself. The point is to illustrate how much difficulty I have being detached from family. I'll tell a story I told my dad the other day. It's about a friend of mine who does allot of drugs and has generally poor life maintenance skills. I when I went to visit and he and is girl friend had lost some drugs. He was OK about it, already fucked up on who knows what, but she wanted more. The whole time I was there she was in a tissy for one reason or other. Her behavior was caused by the drugs of course because when sober she is quite socially capable and emotionally balanced. However different his lifestyle is from mine and however destructive it is to himself I respect him greatly. I think taking part in mainstream American society is destructive to a point past redemption and I do that myself. How can I presume any moral high ground? Haven't you heard the story about the saint who tells a thief how to become a better thief? My friend is aware of life in a way that few people I know are. I don't know how to write about it. As long as I can I will go back to him and look in his eyes and ask him what he has learned that I could not, and he will listen to mine. With my father I have trouble though. When I see my friend I see someone different that can share with me. When I see my dad I see myself. I don't want to suffer. I know I will of course. Any one who takes a look at themselves and the world can see that suffering is built into the structure of life. Still, when I see my father suffering, or more aptly when I see my father in a state that would cause me suffering I try to stop it. Here is the problem. For myself I think; if I am comfortable then I can concentrate and shift my mind,and in shifting my mind I can see what is not me. From here I gain more control and suffer less already. The hope is eventually maybe I will arrive at my true self or abandon the concept of self entirely attaining some sort of ultimate freedom. If that turns out to be a crock of shit then at least I have suffered less and enjoyed myself more. Oh yeah, back to the point. For the year before going to Thailand I never brought up my fathers health and when it was brought up I tried to be as kind as possible. After coming back I started heckling him. I thought maybe constantly pointing it out might bring about some action. Nope. It just hurt his feelings and caused him to be slightly more critical of me. No good. That plan failed so I apologized and told him what I was thinking. He excepted my apology and I am moving back to the former course of action. If neither course will change the situation then I will act in a way that causes the least suffering for both of us.
Mom also arrived on Thursday. Driving to Salsas for lunch there was a comment that I have turned into "such a mama's boy", and a forgetful comment "always been a mama's boy". An easy off handed reminder that we couldn't stand to be near each other for almost my entire life up until 20 saw an equally light hearted retreat from the second comment. However rough our past had been the present holds no resentment or regrets. Excepting some TYT we didn't get any alone time this trip but we very pleasantly revolved around the center of the social solar system.
Merrin's graduation itself was as boring as sin. Nevada and I played together all morning and got in a little trouble here and there. Once we arrived at the graduation we quickly slipped off into the woods to explore. She showed me a tulip poplar bud and I took her to the castle just past the arched foot bridge. When we heard loud cheering we thought maybe it was for the band, but it kept going and so we thought we had better head back. We were planing on sneaking around the back of the crowd so that if the ceremony was boring we could get away without being seen and if it was interesting we could go in and sit. Unfortunately Jack has eyes on the back of his head and he saw us before I even saw him. We had missed the processional and Nevada was in trouble... I practiced Vipassana for most of the ceremony so it wasn't waisted time. Nevada and I became quite good friends over the weekend, she is becoming a wonderful person! I was very happy that the other 3 kids didn't come because I wouldn't have gotten to know any of them as well if they were playing mostly amongst themselves. While I was wandering campus with Nevada I thought of my friend Rachel and remembered how wonderful she was with kids. Nevada and Rachel got to meet and I was happy to see her, and sorry I didn't have time to catch up at all.
Merrin is doing exceptionally well! I was really proud of her on many levels. Most obviously for the fact that she completed her Bachelors in Education, which was a great signpost in her career, social, and personal development. Merrin had often played the role of the weak sister of a manipulative and emotionally violent family. She played down her status and deferred responsibility to others as a matter of course. We have all had to step out of the strange roles we created for ourselves growing up. For me, I accomplished that most fully with my vow of silence. You could say I was fucked up, you could say I was strange, but everyone would admit that I had changed. In my eyes this was that kind of step for Merrin. Of course there is continuity of personality, and the change in my mind comes from seeing the cumulative change that she has grown over 3 years. I wonder if the rest of the family views the trip in a similar way? Maybe I have read to much sociology and think to much thereby create completely artificial ideas of social dynamics based on ideas that can't accurately describe reality? (jump) I had a really fun game of 20 questions with Nevada. After I lost I began to dispute some of the answers she had given me. When I think that somebody else might be wrong in something I try to use the habit of first looking at their point of view. It is a very practical thing to do. I might realize how to fix the problem, or that I can not fix it so I don't try which would make things worse in the process, or I might realize that there is no problem. In this case I realized that there was no problem. I could not say that she was wrong or that I was wrong. All I could say was that from years of looking at the world in one way I could not realize that it could be viewed with equal validity in another. Not only would both views correctly model what I experience both views could be used profitably interact with the world. (jump back) Merrin relates to the world differently then I do is some pretty fundamental ways. I have had difficulty with that in the past, mostly with being critical of her way, condemning her path and dooming her to failure. Now she has proved me wrong and is thriving on almost all levels of life.
Jack and Holt are a pair. We grew up apart, both in age and in distance, and the fact that they don't share my fathers genes caused me to always think of them as apart. I met Holt really for the first time in '02 I think. I moved in with Leah and him for a little while and we became friends and brothers. I don't know what he thought of me before that, but I didn't think much about him at all. I realized then how much we have in common and how blood connects us on such a profound level. This weekend Holt had some kind of stomach bug on graduation day but despite the fact that he was up all night in the bathroom he was pleasant and we spent some time together.
Jack and I got to know each other really for the first time when I had to move out to NV to take care of mom after her heart attack. Jack is a super busy person and although I developed allot of respect for him we had very little time together and I only began to feel the connection between us. It wasn't until two years ago when we spent a week in Yosemite that I felt a strong brotherly connection with Jack. I didn't even see it coming, all of a sudden it was there full grown. That was the last time we had seen each other and I was almost surprised by my feelings when he showed up. On of the highlights of this weekend was hanging out with Jack and Holt on Saturday night. We stayed up until we were exhausted telling stories and discussing life's little issues. Just before bed I TYT'ed Jack a little, pressing, twisting, and stretching him for a few minutes. Some how he reminded me that I needed a picture ID to fly and I realized that I lost mine in Tampa and I might not be able to help mom move. The last thing he said before falling asleep was "sorry for getting you all worked up after you put me in such a relaxed state." But of course it was my fault entirely.
The next morning we said our good byes and Jack, Nevada and I drove to Elkins WV. It seems like a nice place, and I look forward to exploring it while I am here. Jack called the airline and they said that I should be able to fly with a copy of my passport... I go Pittsburgh tomorrow to try, wish me luck!