不到长城非好汉

He who has never been to the Great Wall is not a true man.

Since ancient times the great wall has been a symbol of China. The First Emperor of China was quite a bad ass. Among other crucial unifying edicts, he forced the recently emasculated warlords to tear down the walls between the seven regions and to strengthen the northern wall that protected the new empire from the Huns. The vision of the First Emperor was profound, and very controversial. He pioneered the necessary administrative and logistical practices that would allow for what has now become the Peoples Republic of China, and he did it by many of the same means the current administration has. Land reform, censorship, and strong rule by a central government have never been popular practices. As similarly echoed by a recent predecessor he said "A thousand may die so that a million may live."

After three assassination attempts he died on a search for a magical elixir of life. As you may know he was buried with an impressive entourage of clay soldiers near his capital, now called Xi'an. As forebode by the sentiments of the great Chinese philosopher poet Chuang Tzu the empire lasted but a day as his son and conniving advisers were not able to keep the empire from falling apart, even through their cruelest efforts. My summation of his poem follows: 'In our greed we tend to bundle and lock our things up... This just allows a bigger stronger thief to come and take the whole wad.'

All told, the moral of the story is that China one awesome wrapping along what in earlier times was it's northern border.

The moral I guess is pretty weak, flimsily leading into me telling you about my most recent trip to the great wall…

It is currently exam season for Chinese students. Here in China suicide is the leading cause of death in young adults so I can't be sure that I had almost no classes this weekend because my students were actually taking tests... but the fact of the matter is that I had Sunday off! With my free time I decided to join two fellow teachers and one awesome couch-surfing traveler on a leisurely stroll along the great wall. We arrived a little late due to general disorganization, and had to pay double our normal rate with our normal driver due to lack of communication on our part. For the whole trip little snags kept tripping us up, but nothing big, nothing bad.

Once we hit the trail we quickly discovered that one of our companions has asthma, because of this Bryan, David, and I took most of her weight between us. In order to do this David had to use her pack because his was too small. Unfortunately the girls pack was very uncomfortable on his hips so Bryan and I took some of his weight.

When we arrived at the wall we found there a pretty chill Chinese dude up there selling bottles of tea, beer, water and ice cream. After a little rest we decided on our way, towards the tourist trap. This way we would have one fairly tough day and then an easy day ending up where there would be many taxis, buses, etc. The other direction would take us along a more difficult path towards a small town where we would have to call a taxi all the way from Beijing because I had lost all of our taxi numbers. That would be very expensive. Additionally, the route we chose took us past my favorite part of the wall!

Just before the most beautiful part there are two difficult climbs. Bryan has the greatest stamina among the four of us so he was in the lead. I am often in the back so that I can watch everyone, especially on the hard parts.

The strap on Bryan's new DSLR camera case (made in China) had just broken, but he tied it securely without a hitch. It would hardly be worth mentioning if not for the fact that during the first complicated climb the snap snagged and popped open flinging Bryan's new DSLR camera out and down the mountain. David, right behind him, thought it was a rock and ducked out of the way. Tanya could not catch it from where she was. And I caught it "on the bounce".

After close inspection we turned it on and discovered that the camera, though falling, rolling, and crashing down 40 ft of the great wall still worked! After wiping the very large white spot left by smashing against the limestone off the lens we discovered only a very small scratch. Aside from superficial damage the only other injury was the loss of an easily replaceable dial.

Two minutes later we came to the really difficult part. It is really not that difficult for me, but the others find it so. At this place we took off our packs and daisy chained them up the mountain. "We" being everyone but me. I kept my pack on for an extra challenge. Next I did something that was very stupid, and a little embarrassing. We were near the top of the cliff when Bryan passed up his pack again and instead of asking him to take it down and pass it back up in a different way I grabbed it by the strap that holds his sleeping pad on. Once I was holding the entire weight the strap broke. Luckily Bryan caught the pack, and luckily he did not fall off! I still feel really bad about that. Once I had the pack, partially out of humiliation and partially because I was really frustrated with the obstacles in my way, I threw it on my shoulder and climbed the rest of the way with one hand. Tanya was very impressed, "Wow! How did he do that?" She asked. Bryan, with unruffled class responded "It's all about the finesse." I don't think he intended to sardonically point out my brutish emotional response to a difficulty that may have been better handled with patience, and that's certainly not how Tanya perceived his comment, but I thought it poignant.

Soon we all forgot about both the camera and the pack, for once we turned the next corner we had entered into a magical wonderland where the wall sweeps round a great jolt of rock from out of the mountain, and bends again following the edge of a deep fissure, leading us all the while towards the ruins of a simple yet exceptional guard tower aside spires of limestone garnished with delicate trees struggling for life. At some point along this route Tanya mused on the fact that the wall was built for war, and wondered if the laborers could appreciate the beauty of what they were doing, or if they could imagine foreigners coming from worlds away to see at once the power off man and the grandeur of nature. Writing this I have to imagine that many of them could, even if they were far from their home and loved ones facing on one of the most difficult tasks man has ever confronted.

As they say "after the ecstasy, the laundry.", and so it goes. We had a quick conference to asses whether we were going to make it to our desired camp spot, decided we could if we busted ass, and prepared for the hump.

We kept a steady pace for the next two hours and arrived just before sunset. At the entrance to the tower there was an old Chinese lady charging five kuai for the use of a wooden ladder. When I heard this I was indigent. I decided to climb in threw the window. It took me a good few minutes to fully asses the situation; two people yelling at me not to do it, one in English and one in Chinese; A pack with food and water weight for two; and A 30 ft drop to my certain doom... No problem. After groping around for all the hand holds necessary while still standing on the wall I pulled myself over the nothingness and found my way into the tower with ease.

I will not forget the next two sights for all my life. First, David and this Chinese woman glaring at me with wonder, and then an exceptionally hot foreign girl telling me she would be changing cloths in the next room over! Walking up to the roof of the tower I was very disappointed to find a crowd of people. On every other hike we had done we had met at most five people, and never camped near anyone. Never the less, there we were at our camp spot with no less then 15 people! The difference this time is that we are now in peak tourist season, and Zhengbeilou (our camp site) is the most famous place to take pictures of the great wall. My disappointment was only slightly mediated by the fact that almost half of them were very attractive young women, but it soon completely disappeared when I discovered that all of them were very friendly and fun. I talked and joked with the group of photography students as my friends snuck off into the darkness to do what ever sneaky things happen in the darkness...

Food is always the best part of camping. Sure, the beauty of the scenery and the intensity of exertion can both lead to almost spiritual experiences… but the food is always divine.

The Mexican photographers shared some of their extra food as we waited for Bryan to finish cooking our meal. It was presented to me by seriously one of the most beautiful women I have ever met in my life! I was so very disappointed to find that the whole group was on a whirlwind tour of China and I would likely never see her again. No big deal, the odds that the most beautiful girl I ever meet is going to find me attractive enough to do more then a little flirting are low.

As we started preparing for bed we found that Bryan's sleeping bag had disappeared. Assuming that it had fallen off the wall I offered him to share my bag. I was slightly amused and slightly saddened that I was surrounded by such beautiful women and I was cuddling up next to a dude. Really cuddling too, the wind was quite strong and any space between us let cold air come in. I tried to spoon him for a few minutes for warmth and to reduce wind exposure but I couldn't stand his smell, I preferred being a little cold to sleeping with his BO. In the morning I found that though a little cold, I may have gotten the best rest. Among the common complaints of rocks on the hard floor there were more serious complaints coming from David. All he brought was a blanket and a poncho; he was not at all prepared for the wind and did not get a wink of sleep. He spent the whole night pacing up and down the wall to keep himself warm.

Once the Mexicans started waking up David scouted around their sleeping area and found Bryan's bag. The had not even slept under it, hey had slept on it. At first I was pissed, but once I realized that they had no idea what was going on or whose equipment was whose I could only laugh. Bryan, who hardly slept at all, then happily curled up in his new found comfort to catch a little sleep, I wrapped my bag around me and sat up for a little meditation, and David continued his pacing...

While waiting for Bryan to cook breakfast I offered massage clinic. David was very sore from his ill fated attempts at sleep, and Tanya has a persistent shoulder problem. David had never had a massage from a man before but was tempted by Tanya's endorsement, and was of course urged on by pain and stiffness. He was of course very impressed to find that massage can be more then just a great way to get into girls pants, it can also occasionally offer almost instantaneous if not complete alleviation of common discomforts.

Not believing in but hoping for a way into some Mexican pants I of course offered a massage to any of the photographers. After breakfast one of the guys apologized for wanting some work done on his shoulder. I was happy to help him and gave it all the attention it deserved. A little while into the massage the one amazing woman came to watch and told me that the man I was massaging was her brother. In retrospect I am very happy that I am never shy around women I like. Though I can only think of 4 or 5 other women I have ever thought were so beautiful I did not feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable. I felt strong and capable, yet completely rapt in her beauty. After the massage the Mexicans left as my group continued to lazily prepare for our day.

The second day's hike was very short and fairly easy with only a few steep areas, none requiring actual climbing. The only tricky part is the Ox Horn. The Ox Horn is very peculiar for two reasons, the first being it's shape and the second being its construction. It looks like it would have been easier to fill in the valley with stone then to run along the ridges used to connect this part of the wall. Bryan thinks the only reason they did it this way was because it is totally bad ass to have a section called "The Ox Horn". It is long and unreasonably steep, and worst of all... They did not build in steps! Flat pavers at around a 75% grade could not be easy for anyone, let alone an army! I imagine one of them falling and the troop of them tumbling like dominoes!

After the Ox Horn we quickly got to Mutianyu, the second most visited part of the wall. It is pretty bad. If you think the Chinese can fuck up anything you just wait to see this; the views are unspectacular, the wall is completely 'restored' to better then new condition, and the place is swamped with people. Of course, the closer you get to the cable car the fatter they get, and the more it looks like a Disney theme park waiting queue. I don't think you can understand how amazing the wall is when it looks like it was built a few years ago, just another project sold to the lowest bidder...

Luckily, as bewildering as it is, David waited to get to the freshly paved wall to injure his foot. At first it was just uncomfortable and he refused my offer to carry some of his stuff, but before long he could hardly walk and so I carried his pack slung across my chest like a girl carries a purse. Just like that. Many of the Chinese I passed commented “啊你很厉害!” (wow, you are very powerful.) It was quite cute really.

When we made it to the parking lot our old taxi driver found us! He is pretty lucky for us. We first met him on the bus one day on our way to the wall. As I was talking to him Bryan was told me not to waste my time talking to him. Bryan has, as have I, that one can rarely trust the advice of locals. Once we got off the bus my new Chinese friend told me he could take us to the wall for well under the best price Bryan had gotten before! Anyway, he recognized us this day and asked us if we wanted a ride to the bus into the nearby town!

I was very Happy to take off my pack and start the long journey back home Wudaokou.

A journey not worth recounting.