Happy Fathers Day

After six months of not owning a computer and using my telephone, or the work computers, for occasional email access I have finally broken down and bought a little netbook. My telephone does most everything that a computer can, but using it is terribly slow and awkward. I found myself rarely answering emails, and almost never calling home. After not calling home for mothers day and Merrin's birthday I felt sufficiently guilty to go out and buy a damned computer. It has been nothing but a royal pain in the ass since I got it, of course. First of all it was all in Chinese, and the microphone would not work. After several attempts at installing an English version of Windows I gave up and put in Linux. That flew like a rock for a few days, but I still couldn't get the microphone working. I installed Skype and had a silent chat with Merrin for about an hour. Quite like the good old days, she remarked.

Now, in what seems to me to be a fairly mainstream mind state, it blows my fucking mind that I stopped talking for so long... But that's another story.

I finally broke down and went to 中关村 the biggest tech district here in Beijing and overpaid for some guy to install Windows. Now it works... Mostly.

Oh shit.

I worry that I have almost lost your attention and I haven't even said anything interesting yet.

Ok, the last time I checked in was about three months ago. I had just left my job with the au pair company and was starting my new glamorous life as an English teacher. That's right, English with a Capital T. Lculily you hardly need to be able to speak English to get a job here in Beijing. I have met Nigerians teaching here who are incomprehensible over the clammer of your average bar. These dedicated young men, when not selling drugs at said local bars, are teaching children how to be misunderstood by English speakers everywhere.

The moral of the story is: I can teach English like a Bad Ass even though I can not spell, have no idea what the difference between a gerund and a participle is, or where to put my prepositions at.

I don't work very much of course. I spend most of my time loafing and moaning about how much my life sucks, but all and all I can't complain... If I did nobody would listen...

The little work that I do do however is pretty fun.

Let me lay it out for you. (You smell'n what I'm step'n in?)

On Monday I teach 5-7 little brats. They're kinda cute really, but their behavior is almost as bad as mine was when I was a child, haha, jk.

This last week my teachers assistant, who does most of the work but gets paid shit, was not there... Wholly shit. Fuck that. I need to learn something about discipline or I might as well jump out a fucking window. The owner of the company had to come in to help me control the kids for the first half of the class period. I was so embarrassed! Well about as embarrassed as I could get. All that yoga and meditation I used to do hasn't left me with a calm mind per se, but it has left me with a general sense of apathy. I can only really give a shit about what someone thinks until habit makes remember my breath for a few stray seconds, then I remember that everything is comprised of utter bullshit, or emptiness, depending on how you look at it.

Luckily I'm not stupid, after the break I had them straightened right up. They were tip top for when the boss came in to check on me the next time. Little fuckers. I also teach them on Wednesday (a word that I can't remember how to spell for the life of me).

Aside from the occasional substitute class for that school all of my other work is on the weekend.

As some kind of divine punishment for my terminal laziness all of my free time is when the rest of the world is working, and vice versa. On top of that, I have to wake up ass early in the morning on Saturday and Sunday after a night of partying to go to work. My old definition of ass early was around 4am at which time I would wake up and thoroughly clean my every orifice before doing yoga and meditation. Now, I often don't go to bed until around that time on a Friday or Saturday night in preparation for my 8 o'clock wake up call. I hardly do yoga or meditation anymore and my mood and body both suffer heavily for it.

Anyway, When I get to work I sit in a little box and talk to (usually) interesting people about a variety of topics for a set period of time. It's all one on one, it's all pretty chill, the job is insanely easy, but it makes me feel somewhat like a prostitute. After their time is up I get my tickets and they leave.

So, that's a quick look into my current life... Stay tuned, I'll be writing more.

In fact for my fathers day present I am going to start writing much more often. Maybe not blogging everything, but I would like to start writing almost everyday. The only thing Dad has asked of me for a long time is to write. As the shitty son that I am I of course have not been writing, but maybe I can do a little more?

Well, in the words of some old dead guy...

     Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before

   I swore---but was I sober when I swore?

   And then and then came Spring, and Rose-in-hand

   My thread-bare Penitence apieces tore. 

My Third week with a Chinese Family.

One of my main goals with my Blog posts that I wrote for HHS was to introduce some of the difficult aspects of being an au pair while still giving it a positive feeling. This is the post where I get to be brutally honest. In the next post I will have to resolve the tensions further and make it more fluffy then I actually feel in order to convey the proper feeling. As you may well know, I have difficulty doing anything that seems to me to be dishonest, and you may ask yourself "how can he feel ok with that?". The answer is has two aspects. On the one hand I am becoming Jaded and less principled. After all at the time of writing this I had practicably no money, and more then half of that no money was my deposit at HHS... On the other hand I feel like although the au pair program is not for me it would be great for the right person. By being less then perfectly honest maybe I can help that person find what is right for them? There is a story in the Mahabharata of a man who after telling the truth to thieves is now roasting in hell. We "must be like the swan who can drink only the milk out of a bowl of milk and water". It is ridiculous of course to believe that swans can do this demonstrating that Indian people are just as silly as Chinese people...

Third Week:

Now, cultural shock has begun to permeate my entire life. I woke up in the morning and wondered why I didn’t move to Hawaii with 3 of my close friends. I was longing not just for the warmth and beauty. I was sad not just because I missed my friends. I was missing “home” not just because life in the United States is so easy, but also because I hate this place. I hate that everything is so dirty and loud. I have never been in such an unfriendly place. When I tried to ask for directions on the street yesterday people walked wide around me. It seems like the only time they are not staring at me is when I need help. I have been immersed in three languages that I could not speak well, or at all, before coming to China, and I have never had this experience. In my orientation I was told, “Your Chinese friends will be the nicest people you have ever met, but never expect anything from someone who you don’t know.”

Things with the family are also starting to be less pleasant. Bob and Sam often argue at dinner and the other day the mother yelled at Bob almost continually while kicking his things around the house all morning until I brought him out to the mall for his English lesson. I told my friend and she referred me to the book Tiger Mom. Of course not all families will be the same and I am told that the way children are treated will be different if they are boys or girls and also depending on their age. I recommend looking at it or at least reading a synopsis and asking the family about how they discipline their child. Discipline notwithstanding, Bob often acts like a spoiled brat. He is always trying to tell me what to do, and he no longer likes to study English. During class he covers his face, pretends to sleep, or doesn’t say anything at all. I told Sam, who told the mother, that I am not an English teacher and I am not going to try to teach him English if he refuses to learn. I was told not to play with him for the rest of the day and he spent all day doing his school homework. He has also stopped practicing yoga and kung fu with me. He thinks it is too hard. Since he can’t do what I can after 10 years of practice he won’t try. I told him to take it slow but he is too proud.

I also had my first personal experience of Chinese communication extremes with the family. In the second week I was told that the internet is only 4 hours a day and for more time we pay extra. I was told not to worry about it as long as I turn the computer off at night. Just the other day Sam got home and walked directly into my room and started yelling at me about the internet. I calmly reminded him of what I was told and after some “discussion” with me talking and him yelling I decided to take a walk. After 3 hours of walking I ended up at the university. I walked by a group of people hoping that they would notice me, they didn’t. I walked around for a while and decide to join the group. Immediately they started talking to me in English! I spent an hour talking until I got to cold and hungry. I got home just before midnight. The mother answered the door with a note from Sam saying she was sorry for Sam’s yelling at me. The next day I told my friend about it. She has not spoken to Sam since the fifth day of my stay. “He was yelling at you!?! In English!?! When I met him he could hardly say “hello”. Sam, like many young Chinese, know a lot of English; they just can’t speak very well. I have been amazed at how fast Sam’ English has improved. I wish my Chinese was improving so quickly.

This event marks roughly marks the end of my third week, and also a positive turning point in my stay. I was not upset about the internet of course. I would not even have been able to use the internet much if they had not bought a computer for my room. Even though they said it is for Sam he rarely uses it. I was only upset because if using the internet was a big deal why couldn’t they say that? Why did they have to wait until they got so frustrated that they had to yell at me about it? Maybe the yelling is a sign that I am now really part of the family.

Another week in paradise.

Here is another Blog I wrote for HHS and below is an excerpt from an email to a friend.

On the au pair emotional chart the au pair is expected to have a sharp decline in happiness during the second week. I would like to think that I would be an exception to this, but as predicted things are beginning to be more difficult for me. Things are still going really well with the family, and I have even met some friends here in town, but other things are beginning to drag on me. I find culture shock is like an earthquake, you may feel a tremor here and there, but underground where you can’t see it there is a tension building, and all of a sudden something shifts and then the roof falls in on you as if you were in a Sichuanese schoolhouse.

Chinese people don’t seem to have the same value for plans that I do, and when all my plans got thrown out the window without my consent I got very angry. My Chinese friend said she has never thought about it before. “Maybe it’s because we don’t have tenses expressed in our language in the way you do? Anyway there is nothing we can do about it.” Luckily none of these problems were in my family so at least my home life is still going well. I spent the first week largely in the house with the family. Now I spend more time out, both with the family and with friends. My host mother, Bob, my new 9 year old brother, and I went to a really cool art and drama museum. I went to another museum with my friend and learned about the local Chinese history. I know very little about Chinese art, and my knowledge of history is confined to politics so I found it all very interesting. Bob is now on break from school so we spend a lot of time together. Sam, the 18 year old son is in his last year of high school. His uncle said, “The life of a pig is better then the life of a last year student.” I agree. He goes to school early in the morning, even on weekends and comes home for dinner and then after my English lesson he studies until late at night when he goes to sleep. Since it is winter Bob and I spend most of our time inside playing cards, soccer, or tag. I am not used to spending so much time inside and I feel like I am wasting away. I never really liked cold winters in the city. Lan Zhou is very cold, not like Florida where I grew up.
I am also beginning to miss my freedom. There is no key to the door, the grandmother is always home to open it, so I can’t go out at night. It is not that big of a deal since I don’t go out that much anyway. I was really surprised when, in the middle of the night, Sam came into my room and told me it was too late and I have to go to sleep. I opened Google Translator an invaluable, however limited, tool and asked him if I was keeping him awake. He said no, so I told him that I would not be told when to go to sleep. He tried to argue but decided that he would rather sleep. I have not been told when to go to sleep again. Also, the pollution is wearing on me, it is a little worse here than in Beijing. I have been coughing every day. When I lived in Thailand I coughed every day for a month but I got over it. I expect to get over it soon; pollution is a small price to pay to see a whole new world. The coughing only really started after I got really sick. After dinner the grandmother got sick and puked up all of her food. I didn’t think much about it and the next night I ate all the leftovers. It was Jiao zi, one of my favorite dishes. I didn’t think about the grandmother getting sick, or the fact that they don’t refrigerate leftovers. I spent that night in severe discomfort. The next day, after the pain stopped all I did was sleep and go to the bathroom. I hardly ate for the next three days.

First of all: I was told that I would spend the weekend in a hotel, but I got picked up by the mother and the HHS translator at the airport. I did not mind this because I knew the whole thing was being arranged spontaneously. The translator hardly speaks any English and comes off as a very odd person. (Later a Chinese friend I met here independently commented that he was very strange). After we arrived at the house everything was great for the first few days. Of course the family expects me to be a live in English teacher and doesn't understand why I would want to leave the house with out them, but I was planning on dealing with each of these issues in turn.

"Before I could finish addressing the first issue about having my own free time I found out that HHS had signed a 1 month contract with the family. My agreement with Michael was that I would only be here for 15 days. I went to the office with the mother to address the issue. I spoke with Michael (on the phone) and the Lan Zhou officers and agreed to stay for at least 18 days and possibly for the entire contract. Before I was done making this arrangement with Michael the manager left the room and told the mother that I would be staying for longer then the contracted month. After my agreement with Michael was settled he spoke with the translator and told him our arrangement. Immediately after speaking to Michael the translator also told the family that I would be in Lan Zhou for longer then the contracted month. A few days later during dinner the family mentioned "our plans" for the spring festival. I told them that I would not be here for spring festival. They told me that I would. I called my translator friend so that I could understand what happened (accounted above) and spoke with Michael again. He said that the translator did not admit to telling the family that I would be here until after the spring festival. I then asked the mother to record her account of the meeting so that I could share it with Michael because he said that he was too busy to deal with it and I should solve it and get back to him. I will speak to him with my translator tomorrow."

In the end I figured out who was responsible, the regional manager, and he got fired.

:P

Ok, now for a history lesson. The topic of todays lesson will be "The life and times of Daniel Clough". Oh, wait...

You will all be glad to hear that I am doing very well in my search for employment and stable living in China. (I can say this because I am sure my enemies do not bother reading my blog)

In a stroke of fortune a friend knew of a place that was opening up the day before I had to move out of my apartment. Not only am I lucky to have found a place on such short notice for a good price, the landlord is her friend and she talked him into letting me pay only for the first month instead of the normal 3 months plus deposit. This is crucial because I do not have money for 3 months plus the deposit.

The search for gainful employment is also going well. So far I have one class teaching in a kindergarten so far and an endless stream of people calling, texting, emailing, msning, qqing or offering me work at random restaurants. I have 1 interview and 3 sample classes this week. Each sample class is pretty much a guaranteed placement, but they are all one on one classes once or twice a week. The interviewer seems desperate. It's a kindergarten looking for a full time morning placement. They were offering 100/hr and I said "No way! I wouldn't wake up ass early in the morning for less then 150/hr!" The next day they called me and said they could pay more!

On top of all that I am also doing piece work for HHS in exchange for Free Chinese Classes. Well really the lessons are free conditional on my friendship with the boss and the piece work is free offered as a condition of my desire to hang out in the office, use the internet and chat with my friends there...

Ok. Here is a blog I wrote for HHS and posted today.

My month as an au pair.

In preparation for HHS sending au pairs to Lan Zhou I have been given the unique opportunity of staying with a family for one month!

I was picked up at the air port by the mother and the customer service representative from HHS. The drive from the airport was surprisingly long. As we drove I got briefed on the town, the family, and the local HHS branch. When we arrived at the house workers were setting up my room. The family had to buy a bed and a desk to convert a hallway ‘room’ into a bedroom. It is a nice room, a little small, but big enough. I usually practice yoga and kung fu before bed and when I wake up and Bob, the 9 year old son comes into my room to practice with me. There is enough room for the two of us and it is so cute.

If have not seen the chart of the au pair adjustment chart I suggest you take a look at it. The first week is called the Pink Cloud Phase, or something like that. Having traveled and adjusted myself to many new situations I am well aware of this curve. The pink cloud phase is great. My first week was perfect, as expected. The family was so excited that I was here and the kids were excited to practice their English and learn! Walking around town everything is new, and being in a smaller city people always look at me and often shout “Hello!” as I pass by, and the family is so happy to show me their home. We ate out every day, trying all of the best foods that Lan Zhou has to offer, and let me tell you, Lan Zhou has a lot to offer. The most famous food is Beef Noodles or 牛肉面. All of my friends in Beijing have asked me, “Have you tried the noodles!?!” Yes, they are that good. I look forward to trying them when I get back to Beijing to taste the difference. Apparently it’s the water here that makes them so good. The best beef noodle shop in town is not that impressive, not like the fancy restaurant that we went to the next night. We met some friends and sat around a traditional round table with a spinning center piece. The food is set in the center and everyone eats either directly from the center or loads their plates from there. The setting was exquisite, the food was divine, and we had three waitresses to fill our cups and care for our every need. After dinner I ran around the restaurant with Bob, Sam, and their friend from school. We played hide and seek and other games as the adults talked.

Good food, nice people, interesting life… What more could I ask for?

P.S. I tried the beef noodles here in Beijing at two restaurants... Not so good.

After three months.

I have been in China for three months now. I have been fairly lazy about writing blogs. I have written several articles that I will post over the next few weeks. Some of them have been written for the company I work for and are fairly toned down when compared with my usual or at least often sardonic tone.

Today is my last day of work at HHS Center. I have decided to teach English instead. For almost half the amount of work I can make Double what I can make at HHS. I do not have a job yet but I am told that it will not be difficult to find one. Actually I have an offer in Xi'an but the pay is only mediocre. I really liked the guy who runs the place. He is a Frenchman who has been in China for 9 years.

I guess I will post the upcoming blogs in Chronological order. Today I will put up two short ones.

The first is one that I wrote for the HHS website. HHS tries to portray a sweetness and light image of the program. All of my blogs for them are attempts to show a more realistic difficult but positive side of China. I wrote the second post immediately after the first because I had to water down my feeling and experience so much during the first post.

I have been traveling for years, for my whole life in a way. Like so many Americans I moved a lot when I was younger. As my mother went to school and looked for work and a good place to raise children my sister and I came along for the ride. Due to moving, or some other strange circumstance, I was constantly changing schools until high school. I learned that moving - traveling - is largely about people. A move across town can be almost as large of a move as to a new country, if they speak the same language and have similar cultural heritage.

A friend asked me the other day, “Why do westerners like to travel so much?” This was after a long discussion about world politics and American vs. Chinese views on foreign affairs. Having been in China for only 3 weeks my mind was (is) still opened to wonder, and thoroughly confused. This openness is why a travel. At the time however I could only think of superficial reasons for travel, the reasons I had thought of before. None of those reasons seemed adequate. The question was like a koan. It has been like a koan to be sure. I have asked myself many times in the past 10 years, “I love this place, I love these people. Why not stay?” In the past few days, every time my mind had a chance to rest the question comes back. This time it was not just for me, but for my people. “Why do ‘Westerners’ like to travel so much?” I have come up with so many new answers; but none of the answers have been as profound as the openness I felt on the subway, about an hour after she asked me that question. Going home, looking around, and wondering “Who am I, and what the hell am I doing here?”

China is an interesting place.

I mean, it’s on the other side of the world, and everybody walks around upside down! Everything is backwards... They drive the wrong way on one way streets, constantly weaving around traffic, and then they park on the side walk. That’s why I don’t drive. I take the subway to work. When I get on the subway someone behind me will always think there is room for one more person. I have learned here in China how much people can squish. The Chinese concept of personal space is very interesting. I have never been so close to people I don’t know before. On top of all that everyone speaks gibberish. No one knows how to talk properly and their writing is just as bad, or worse. They don’t even know the alphabet! Trying to buy food is nearly impossible. I go into a restaurant and point at something on the menu. Then they start with their nonsense. Eventually they realize that I don’t speak gibberish and they bring me some food. The food is OK, I guess. Chicken necks and bugs are not my idea of a good meal, but everyone is starving here and my only other option is rice.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I am happy to be here...

After all…

I could be in Africa.

So Busy!

I am going to cheat here. This is an abridged email that I sent to Merrin my first week here. I would like to write more, but I spend all day at a computer for work. I don't want to spend my free time anywhere near a computer! I can't avoid it though; I am using Rosetta Stone to learn Chinese, on top of the classes I take twice a week, but language is the most important factor in my life right now so it must be excused.

I had a dream last night about living at New College. It was more of a slightly fictionalized remembering. I am not sure why the characters in the dream were who they were, but it was remembering the feeling, and the feeling was what the dream was about.

I woke up and laid in my bed and thought about my life and how lucky I have been. Thought about how and why I was who I was. Then I thought about 'Karma'. Now that Communism has collapsed here the economy is thriving but the poor people aren't doing so well again. There is a lot of homelessness, and I don't think social services are so good. In the US I never give poor people money. Here the poor are not just poor in spirit but actually destitute, with no possibilities of getting better. 'Karma'. I can not know why, and I can not change it.

I thought about dad and what I know of his life and where he is now. I felt so much peace and sadness. I am so happy that we are doing well, and doing things that he can be proud of. I think that we have become everything he could have hoped for and more.

Then I thought about the future. Holding onto what I have valued and moving into the future with freshness.

Yoga has given me so much. What was it that created that 'me' who lived with no thought of the future or past. Can I have that intensity of presence and a normal life? I don't know what 'yoga' is even though I have been looking at it for 10 years! Now I will start practicing martial arts. It has been the Buddhist yoga of the far east.

I got up. My hot water is still broken. I washed my balls and arm pits in the sink, spiked up my hawk, did 6 sun salutations and took off for work. I walked to the food stall under the foot bridge and threw my money into a bucket. If I am their only white customer or not they still recognize me. I don't know if they had my breakfast ready for me or if it was a coincidence, but I did not have to wait for them to make it, only heat the parts and put it together. I get an egg filled pita type bread with some sauce painted on wrapped around a piece of lettuce and some mystery meat. Two of them only cost 7 kuai, about 1 dollar. No words were exchanged until I left "xie xie" (thank you), "bu ke qi" (don't worry about it). That's about all the Chinese I know at this point any way. Pleased as anything I smiled as I walked to the subway station. I love the subway, and hate it. I love it because it is so cheap and useful. I hate it because it is an hour of my life to and from work. I don't know if it will bother me by the end of the year, but right now I think it is funny how crowded it is. I get to the station and race to the train. Rushing around and jockeying for position. When you get on the train you have to push and shove so that people will squish together and you do not get smashed by the closing door. I was tempted to try to lift my feet from under me to see if the pressure from the people would hold me up... I didn't. When the train starts and stops we all move like a wave and if you are up against a pole or wall you get squished. I really need to get an MP3 player so that I can listen to Chinese lessons on the train. For now I meditate and do energy practices. It is good because I am very out of practice with both, especially the energy practices. I have just arrived at work. Someone came in and was introduced. People clapped for him and I didn't understand what was going on. Now that my personal emails are taken care of it is time to do some work. I have to write a "What's Up" column for the web page. It is not very good, or serious. I am going to try to get rid of that task. Nobody who lives here would use it and we might as well send potential au pairs to useful sites so that they can get a full range of what is actually happening. Aside from that I have some interviews to asses the English of potential outbound au pairs and my personal project to attend to. Oh! I get to listen to music at work here! I put in headphones and dance in my seat and nobody cares! Using my computer is a pain in the ass though. I can not read the words in the menus etc. They said they would fix it last night but it is the same, all Chinese.

China!

Life has been busy! Writing this I wish I had kept up more. I can only brief the past 6 months when so many interesting things have happened. So many thoughts and experiences. So many people I would like to introduce. This will have to do.

The end of my stay in Alaska was a lot better then the begging. It turns out that I like office work just fine and that I liked the attitude in the office better then on the boats. After a month answering phones I moved downstairs to the front counter. That was great. I could interact with people again! I liked it better then the boat work even, except for the fact that I was no longer on the water. The best part was the camaraderie.

Outside of work I started going to Resurrection Art Coffee Shop instead of the mountains every day. I met a few really great people. Most notably Brianna and Jo who would become my adventure partners. Brianna and I took a surprise train trip to Anchorage to sleep in a cardboard box and hitch hike back the next day; and Jo came back to the lower 48 with me.

The weekend before leaving was the Seward Music Festival. I didn't expect much but much to my surprise it was pretty awesome. Great music and a great scene. Best part was that all the tourists had left for the season so most everybody knew everyone else. The most notable band was the "Flying Hearts". I was chatting a very pleasant vendor when they started. Punk! I excused myself and walked over to the stage. When I arrived I broke into a hysterical fit of laughter that lasted for the entire rest of the song as I watched this kid scream into the mic. He was only 9 years old but Wow what an amazing voice! The audience was not as impressive. I think I was the only one who had ever been to a punk show before. They stood around nodding their heads at best.

After the festival I hopped into an RV with a few other people and rode to Anchorage to pick up 2 more. We were a motley crew: Jo, the young ex-morman artist; Jonathan, the middle aged traveler; Isaiah, the party animal; Emily, the hot teacher/massage therapist; Philip, the fisherman; and me. We had an incredible 10 days drive through Canada. The stop off in Haynes AK and meeting Marion and Sarah was the highlight.

I spent a month in Washington. I can't tell you how much I loved it. I think that when I move back to the states I will move to the North West somewhere. Maybe Port Townsend? To much happened for me to write about here. I had a perfect month. Everyday was full and beautiful. I was on the phone with Carlos one day at Evergreen State Collage, "I am still doing the same thing I was 10 years ago! I am living in a closet and partying with Collage kids." I was staying at with Dave Crager. Dave is like a younger punker version of me. We have the same taste in music, women, and fun. He drinks a little (lot) more then I do though. Dave, Uma and I got drunk and had a dance party almost every night! That was only about a third of my time though. I also partied in Seattle with kids my own age and relaxed in PT when I needed a break. I stayed up all night my last night in Seattle with Ali, the sister of Bri from Alaska. We biked around and scavenged dumpsters, made beer with Garth, and talked about politics and philosophy until I had to go. In the morning I went to the airport and passed out. I woke about 20 minutes after my plane left... Fucked. The next day I finally made it out. The plane was delayed 6 hours but I did make it to

CHINA!